tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75148909958237303292024-03-05T04:04:09.219-08:00A Traveler's Charmabrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.comBlogger432125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-18551677394457984142021-07-07T00:01:00.005-07:002021-07-07T00:01:38.096-07:00hi Hi Jess,I’m writing to you here because I used to spill my guts here a lot. This used to be my sacred place where I sorted my thoughts, dreams, emotions, and traumas. For the most part, I write here as though the reader believes that they are the only one in the world who noticed that I published a new post. In reality, for the most part, my entries have 0 views. Sometimes, though, an entryabrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-15909879997251421322021-07-06T23:39:00.001-07:002021-07-06T23:39:31.528-07:00Meet You at the Intersection of...Everything is impermanent; attachment leads to suffering. Nine years ago, I packed two suitcases and moved to another state. Six months later, I repacked those two suitcases and moved to another country. I stayed on the go for two years thereafter. I never brought much with me; I often lived out of a backpack for days or weeks at a time. Anything I had collected over my two-year stint in Japan, Iabrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-69413347682448484722021-07-06T23:39:00.000-07:002021-07-06T23:39:04.763-07:00-still about once a week (anxious)-reading: safe enough, mental unwellness more risk to self and baby than medication-I miss weekly sessions with the group... but virtual prenatal yoga with a group has been very helpful-more weary of what is to come than what is. abrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-3857340232204493302021-07-06T23:38:00.001-07:002021-07-06T23:38:47.340-07:00Need to process.Medication has worked so far, my baseline feels calm and normal. I feel appreciative of my baby. I feel energized to take care of him, I feel able to solve problems and block out stressors.I experienced a lot of traumatic events from the night of May 29-June 1.I will list these out later.Good:Dr. Allyse Ishino The nursesBrianGetting medication People who calmed me down: abrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-10833725967054003832021-07-06T23:38:00.000-07:002021-07-06T23:38:18.312-07:00I'm super late on my birthday tradition. I have a lot of excuses: 1) Taking care of tb, 2) Getting surprise after surprise after surprise by my loving family, 3) Spending quality time with family and phone conversations with friends in the days that followed, 4) Many ailments, including a COVID scare and the stress of isolation that kept me from wanting to do anything other than lay in bed, sleepabrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-45911331543277836282021-03-17T07:34:00.004-07:002021-03-17T07:34:58.381-07:00One Year Today marks one year since the Bay Area entered Shelter in Place.March 15th, 2020, BC and I were worried that we wouldn’t be able to get home from Iceland.March 16th, 2020 BC and I begin what we thought would be our two-week quarantine.March 17th, 2020 The Bay Area enters Shelter in Place for what we think will be 21 days.March 17th, 2021 I finished my graduate program, K birthday, K&P abrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-57464462186290963352020-05-08T14:26:00.000-07:002020-05-08T14:26:03.044-07:00First Letter; Begins with...May 8, 2020Hello, my baby.It is 2pm on a Friday afternoon. Today marks 54 day since your dad and I started self-quarantining. We haven't been 100% caged up. I stepped out of the house after, I believe, 4 weeks of self-quarantining. Today also marks 36 weeks of you living in my belly. You are super active today! You are tiring me out. I wonder how much longer you will choose to stay in there--daysabrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-87642233361132329812020-04-21T10:20:00.004-07:002020-04-21T10:20:51.116-07:00Bending, Not Breaking; Slowing, Not Braking.I cracked last night.
I just cried and cried. It was everything and nothing. It's work, school, the pandemic, pregnancy, fear of an uncertain future. Sometimes my brain takes care of itself by blocking stressors when they aren't relevant, allowing me to focus on the present task. Sometimes that damn breaks, and every worry I've ever had come rushing through, one barely distinguishable from the abrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-68306159099194018422020-04-14T10:16:00.002-07:002020-04-14T10:16:39.530-07:007 Ways to Deal with Negative Thoughts1. Recognize thought distortions
Black and white thinking (seeing everything as one way or the other, without any in beween). I'm not either good at what I do, or bad at what I do; rather, I have strengths and I have areas of growth. She's not either mean/close-minded/judgemental or not those things. She has moments where I perceive her to be that way.
Personalizing (assuming I abrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-74290115086463857202020-04-08T14:47:00.004-07:002020-04-08T14:47:49.545-07:00Who Do I Want to be Today?
I came across this graphic on the interwebs and I found it to be quite powerful. Having an awareness of the mindset that you're in is crucial every day, not just during this global pandemic.
I also realize that the mindset that we're in can change daily, even at different times of the day. Right now, I'm in the Learning Zone. I'm identifying my emotions, I'm giving up what I can't controlabrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-41164846781814015082020-04-01T16:07:00.000-07:002020-04-01T16:07:15.673-07:00Cabin FeverMy therapist said to go ahead and journal even on the days that I don't feel like it. That we can sometimes set up this expectation of what a thought out journal entry should look like, to the point that when we feel crummy, that we're afraid that we won't be able to produce quite the entry that we wanted to produce.
So this is me doing that.
I woke up this morning at 3am after about 4 hours ofabrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-60999155351981951882020-03-14T07:22:00.000-07:002020-03-16T12:24:40.093-07:00Force Majeure
Closures and Hazardous Conditions
Today is Saturday. What a wild ride. BC and I are on our way back to the states from Iceland. We were able to hop onto our 5:05pm flight from Keflavik airport to San Francisco via Seattle. In the past 72 hours, I’ve woken up to a text message that Trump banned travel from Europe to the United States, that schools across the United States are shutting abrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-65005419676200626932020-01-24T11:44:00.001-08:002020-01-24T11:44:41.162-08:0021 Weeks flatWe've surpassed a major milestone: the 20-week ultrasound.
I've pushed myself to a lot of baby-preparation things in the two days since. I had been putting a lot of that off for a while. Folks have been asking me why I haven't bought my maternity matron of honor dress yet, why I hadn't booked my baby moon ticket yet, why I hadn't started thinking about my baby shower or baby registry yet... and abrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-30090057171996424322020-01-15T18:08:00.000-08:002020-01-15T18:08:31.028-08:0019 Weeks+5 DaysA month ago, I resolved to be better. Or rather, to do better. Since then, I've attended weekly yoga classes, dance class, and even a couple of spin classes. I've reached out to multiple friends and I've even shared with them what I've been going through, mentally/emotionally. I've kept up with work, even if with some procrastination. I've kept up with chores. I've worked at pulling people closerabrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-26011687618952867142020-01-02T16:15:00.001-08:002020-01-15T17:45:16.197-08:00NYRNew Year's Resolutions and Reflections
- - -
17 Weeks and 6 Days
It's so hard to keep up with journaling when you're not paying close attention to your thoughts or what's going on around you. However, resolving to write a post made me pay more attention to the present in order to think about what I'll want to look back on in the future.
Today marks day 5(-ish) of being in San Diego, on our abrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-50693190395439574862019-12-27T18:31:00.001-08:002020-01-15T17:45:04.286-08:0017 WeeksWhat a whirlwind.
BC and I have spent a lot of time over the break going through old family photos. Seeing pre-pregnancy photos of my mom has been really eye-opening. When my mom would tell me stories about her life before children, I just copied and pasted my current image of my mom onto a new background: in the Philippines, in a computer chip manufacturing company, hanging out with other abrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-87956871349864016182019-12-20T16:37:00.000-08:002020-01-15T17:44:53.379-08:00Looking UpOMG a diagnosis! Wonky thyroid! I'm not imagining things, I'm not dooming myself to negative thoughts, I'm not creating depressive symptoms in myself by not exercising enough/being ungrateful/eating badly/not sleeping...! It's my thyroid's fault, YAY!
- - -
I am so relieved to have received a diagnosis, even though my worst symptoms are behind me (or have taken a pause). With that, an update:
abrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-17684705148004277792019-12-06T10:44:00.004-08:002020-01-15T17:44:37.195-08:00Just Pretend / Be BetterI stumbled across a video clip today of a young boy jamming out on an ukulele, singing his heart out. I was transported back to every time that my heart leapt, stopped, wept at the curious combination of sweet notes and soulful vocal cords.
In my wanderings, I decided to dive into a rabbit hole of my old journal entries and blog posts. I'm not ashamed to say that I admire the person that I used abrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-11143648753419950562019-12-04T18:17:00.000-08:002020-01-15T17:43:29.051-08:0013+5 WeeksOK, I'm now 13 weeks and 5 days into pregnancy.
I'm relieved to have shaken off that depression. I literally woke up one day, and it was gone. I could hardly believe it when I opened my eyes. I didn't feel happy per se, but I just felt regular tired, regular nauseous, and even regular not-bouncy-happy-not-empty-or-sobby, just-kinda-neutral.
Sharing the news with the abrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-55749417104915218052019-10-28T17:43:00.000-07:002020-01-15T17:43:11.992-08:00CRFirst Perinatal Depression Appointment
It's been about three weeks since I started feeling low. Saturday and Sunday, I felt like I was maybe on the upswing. I even ventured out of the house for non-mandatory activities.
And then I got the news that hit me like a punch in the gut. CR, a former student of mine, committed suicide.
No, no, no... of all the kids... no, not that any kid deserves abrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-14284073642868402622019-10-23T16:22:00.001-07:002020-03-16T18:57:05.803-07:00First Prenatal AppointmentI had my first prenatal appointment today. I saw the baby.
This also marks three weeks of feeling like this. Horrible. Terrible. Miserable. Grief-stricken.
I feel bad even saying it because by all accounts, we are lucky to have gotten pregnant so quickly and for everyone to be in good health. We are in a fantastic time in our lives to be welcoming such a long awaited change.
Yet I feel like abrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-41994263077044300642019-10-09T19:51:00.001-07:002020-01-15T17:43:57.404-08:00Tracking9/30 - First day of missed period
10/1 - Second day of missed period
10/2 - Third day of missed period
10/3 - Feeling depressed. Feeling empty. Crying. Wondering if I'm pregnant. Thinking I probably am. Not wanting to check quite yet. After all, if a pregnancy test would tell the truth next week, so why take it now? Sitting in an empty apartment. Not knowing what to do with myself. Feeling deep, abrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-21996014543609176602019-09-27T09:10:00.000-07:002020-01-15T17:42:43.115-08:00Thank YouHi Dr. ---,
I just want to thank you for all of your help this past year and a half. I was holding off on sending this email because I wanted to wait and see if if I had indeed gotten any better since we first met.
Well, since we last met, I started my new part-time role at work and have picked up hours on the side working for myself (consulting, tutoring, curriculum writing, and abrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-85111280146920196742019-07-22T19:51:00.000-07:002019-08-06T19:54:49.318-07:00Life Lesson Learned after 30This is a tradition that I've kept up on my birthday for the past few years (26th, 27th, 28th, 29th, 30th). I hope you find something useful in the following list: if not something to agree with, then at least something of some small entertainment value.
Lessons learned in my 31st year of life:
1. How to let go of worry
I’ve spent the past year and a half receiving mental health therapy (abrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7514890995823730329.post-81589072234960031202019-04-09T19:56:00.002-07:002019-04-09T19:56:43.713-07:00Getting Better: Smarter, Not HappierI'm getting better.
Feelings are alarm signals. Emotions try to tell us something. It's up to us to listen to our feelings and respond.
Let's say I wake up one morning, tense, cranky, pessimistic, and just generally feeling sorry for myself. Then, I have two options:
Dwell on these feelings and thoughts, chase each negative thought down the rabbit hole, get caught in a spiral all the way down,abrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05070087824790299460noreply@blogger.com0