2017/09/20

from negative space to a positive place

man, tell me why all the complaints that i ever have when i'm feeling down and out and sorry for myself are tired-ass complaints that every teacher that's ever walked the earth has ever had.

-minimal bathroom breaks
-endless hours of planning, prepping, and grading
-work-life imbalance
-physical exhaustion from "lecturing", "coaching", "disciplining", "reminding", "reminding" again, "circulating", "reinforcing", "facilitating", motivating? inspiring?
-forgetting to eat lunch or not having a chance to sit down and eat lunch
-too many students to keep track of
-"asks" from "above" to keep track of
-not enough funding
-little to no technology
-playing catch up with students after years of falling behind in math, writing, etc.

like, why hasn't anyone solved any of these problems yet.

ok, i just really needed to get that out of the way, and now it is, so.

= ==

Lately, I've been intentionally trying to carve out time to focus on getting inspired. If I were to paint my first few years in education with broad strokes, it'd go something like-

Entering education: idealism
First year: survival, questioning my abilities, and then proud of getting through it
Second year: survival, at my wit's end, relief
Third year: getting into routine, overworked, looking for direction
Fourth year: right back into routine, bored by tedium despite knowing that i'm never realistically going to get through my to-do list, more desperately looking for direction

Back to looking for inspiration: I've found that ideas only come to me when I step away from my desk and away from the classroom. I get inspired when I take a walk around the lake at sunset, when I sit in silence in the living room, and when I open a tab for a new blog post and start typing. I get inspired when I'm at a new environment, when I'm interacting with people I admire, and when I'm in the presence of art. I get inspired when I exercise, when I read a good book, and when I write and draw in my journal.

I've lately been making time for myself in any of these various ways. Besides stepping away from work, I've found it useful to unplug from social media, watch less TV, read less of the news, and (sorry friends) see friends less. That last piece was actually not intentional, but in the accident of letting too much time slip by between meet ups with friends, I've found time to clear my head and search around for what's in there. With the constant stream of media and interactions, it's nice to be able to take a time out, regroup, and make sense of everything going on around me.

What am I hoping to learn in these times? Nothing in particular. But here are some ideas that have surfaced, some of which have already come to fruition:

  • get into grad school and take on a slightly different role at work (check)
  • use playing cards to identify desks in my classroom in order to mixup student groupings (group by number, assign roles by suit, make partners according to color, even/odd pairings and mixups, etc.) (check)
  • get recruited by the Peace Corps as professionals so B and I can get placed abroad and learn a new language while still continuing to grow in our career
  • various weekend/long weekend/seasonal break travels (check, check, and check)
  • make unit folders and a unit anticipation guide for students to help organize their understanding of the content (check)
  • go to grad school in Iceland and then in NYC one day
  • creative strategies to better support certain students with particular emotional or academic needs (ongoing)
I wonder what my future has in store for me. I want to step up but I also want to chill out. I want to continue doing meaningful work. Eventually, I'll want a change of pace and a change of environment. I want more time to read and write. I want to feel successful in my work. I want room to grow and the stepping stones to get there.

Onward.

you're making it

This is it. You've made it. Not that it's all downhill from here, and yes, things will get better still. And, right now, you've made it.

2017/09/12

what happens in Vegas

work all day, work all night, sleep late, wake up early, repeat, and repeat. B is in Vegas for a work trip. i tried calling yesterday, but he was out drinking/eating with friends. we chatted for a bit late last night, but i was so tired, i was legitimately afraid i would doze off while driving home from State. forget having any energy by the time i was in bed.

today: work all day, work all night, try calling again, no reply... finally try calling again at 11:30pm, but he's partying it up with coworkers. so, off to bed i go. time to sleep so that I can work all day and work all night tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.

suffice to say, i am having a solo pity party right now.

one day, i will look back on this blogpost and think one of the following:
a) how was i ever a teacher, i'm so glad i'm no longer a teacher
b) why am i still a teacher, the work was killing me then and it's still killing me now
c) dear past self, it will get easier, but not any time soon, you will suffer for a bit longer, at least unless you lower your expectations for yourself and/or your students
d) dear past self, you broke your back over tons of work that week, and for what? it wasn't worth it.

and i will definitely thing the following:
stop going to bed past 10pm. you need a full 8 hours of sleep to be ready for the beast of each day that each day is.

UGH.

i suppose i should attempt escaping the negative place my mind has taken me.

= = =

i ran into J, former student of mine, at SFSU today. i taught him Health his sophomore year, Chemistry his junior year, and Algebra 2 his senior year. now, he's training to become an EMT and is working towards becoming a nurse.

are my back-breaking hours of work worth it? idk.

for now, i'll freeze frame the image of J in his SFSU jacket in my mind as I try to get some sleep and tell myself, "yes".