I am experiencing and have experienced a lot of emotions over the past 10 weeks at my school and 1 week of officially having resigned. My current net feeling is relief. No regrets. The only thing I feel guilty about is the lack of regret which I feel.
I did not blog during my period of resigning because I did feel guilty and, to be honest, pretty depressed, ashamed, and fully of self-pity. I worried over my kids and my former coworkers. I worried about my own future and questioned my capabilities.
It's impossible to package and write about my 10-week teaching experience at my school in such a way that explains an inevitable decision to quit. Those ten weeks do not have a single, traceable story line with a conflict, climax, and resolution. Rather:
- I had some students who loved me and said I was their favorite teacher
- I had many days that I called in sick because I either genuinely fell ill due to the stresses of work or I was too stressed/tired to show up to work
- I had many coworkers with whom I developed very close relationships
- There were many, many days that I cried after schools. Some days I cried before school and in between classes. I always stressed out on Sundays. There were also some days when I felt so-so.
- I found a lot of systems that did not work, and a few which I was slowly honing and refining
Well, I did quit. I needed to get out of the space. I did not stop to hash out a plan for what comes next. I'm trying to get myself invigorated by the open-endedness of my life right now. I will keep moving and I will resist the urge to define myself by my failures. I need to keep moving in order to continue creating opportunities for myself.