Family in Hawaii.
Sister in San Diego.
Family in the Philippines.
And I'm all alone.
Nowhere is home anymore.

abandoned

Nowhere is home anymore.

It's a crying shame is what it is

All this love to give...
No one to give it to.

Maybe I'll always remember that it was 10.29.09 20:59.Probably not, so I guess I will write it in here in order to... idk. Do dates like those matter?

This is an emo post.
This is an emo list.

Regret.
Disappointment.
Funny how it's called heartache, because it really does.
I feel like I'm walking in a fog. Or in some kind of messed up dream. Or maybe it was a dream, and this is the waking up part.

I was never much of a morning person.

Part of me wants everyone to know and to know that he did it. But mostly I just want there to be nothing to know.

TFA

So far, I haven't been too happy with this process.

At first, I thought it was really cool that I was contacted and offered a one-on-one meeting about TFA from an outreach person. It told me that they care an individual's needs and concerns.

I met with the lady and I was very put off by the way that the meeting went. I understand that she's very busy, but she didn't greet me very warmly when I arrived and she barely made eye contact with me because she was reading text messages and sorting through papers while I asked her questions. She didn't smile even once during our 15-minute meeting.

I felt like I might as well had search the answers to my questions online because her answers were so impersonal and memorized. She is an outreach liaison person for the organization because she actually has experience with TFA, and yet she offered absolutely no personal insight or opinion -- good or bad. I didn't get the vibe that she was even trying to sell the organization at all; rather, I felt like I had been handed a thick information brochure of answers. And not like one of those pretty, colorful packets with pictures and anecdotes and graphs, but more like a big, fat, black & white, soft bound reader.

Points off for impersonal welcoming, TFA.

Secondly, I'm looking at this preliminary application thing, and it kind of sucks. Why? Because as I fill out each little detail about my college experience (not much else is asked about), I find that on paper, I suck as a teacher.

But you know what? I don't. OK, that was high and mighty of me to say, but really. No drop-down menu form or GPA breakdown by year and coursework will express my experience, willingness, and excitement in teaching. It's as if they just don't care about these things.

So far, my impression from the application and meeting that lady is that TFA is all about looking for the cream of the crop. The leaders and visionaries. Then, they want to take them in and give them a crash course on teaching just before sending them off into the real world.

Ugh.

Dear TFA,

You should hire me because I understand the meaning of struggling in academics. You should hire me because I have experience in the classroom. You should hire me because I'm good at what I do, even though there's nowhere in your application where I can prove that. You should hire me because even if you come across the most successful group of applicants in the entire country, you will not find a single person [woman] [person of color] harder working and more passionate about social justice than me.

Yours truly,
April

Lilian

The following is an unfinished draft from one year ago. I have no background information to provide about it -- I don't remember why I wrote it, what was going through my mind at the time, or how I intended for it to continue.

That being said... I hope that I haven't lost your interest and that you keep reading anyway!

Lilian

Her real name is Elizabeth, but when she was 4, she told her
parents to start calling her Lilian because she felt that that really should be
her name.

Lilian hates when things match. She has three piercings in one ear
but only two in the other; earrings don't come in fives and Lilian's earring
never match. Neither do her socks, for that matter. Her rule against
matching extends far but falls short of her shoes; she tried wearing a
different shoe on each foot once, and found it to be a very uncomfortable
ordeal. Her clothes never match.

Lilian always wears black clothes - skirts, turtlenecks, flood pants...
the list goes on. But Lilian loves colors; her body is a blank canvas for the
bright splashes of color she applies every morning in the form of baubles and
beads.

Lilian is an artist, but she doesn't know it yet.

*

Letter of Affirmation... aka Snaps.

Dear Google,

You rock.

Two days ago, I learned that when I type in something like "History of Education Google Timeline", you give me a timeline. Like, a real timeline. You broke down your search results in chronological order, organizable by decade, for me.

Yesterday, you reminded me of an assignment due date which I typed into my Google calendar by sending me a reminder text message.

Today, you made me smile while I was reading my Google reader, and I came across your sort options:

Sort by newest
Sort by oldest
Sort by magic

I love you, don't ever change.

April

Roses and Clovers

Ang rosas ay pula
Ang four-leaf clover ay berde
Ikaw ay mas maganda
At ako ay mas suerte

Para sa iyo itong halamanan
Nais ko'y iyong malaman
Na mamahalin kita, kaibigan,
Magpakailanman


***

Roses are red
Four-leaf clovers are green
But you are more beautiful
And I am luckier

This garden is for you
To remind you
That I love you, friend,
And I always will

-AIA

My Scattered Brain

Does anyone have any suggestions for me a to how to enforce rules in an effective and polite manner? ...My method always makes make me feel like the bad lady.

On that note, I understand the argument that "law enforcement" converts otherwise cooperative and peaceful environments into hostile communal areas, but right now, the way I see it:

1) There are folks that do not self-moderate for the sake of their neighbor; for one reason or another, many students have proven that their main concern is "#1"

2) The benefits of the rules which I enforce outweigh many of the excuses that I've come across

3) I'm not here to teach folks how to become law-abiding citizens, I'm here to help ensure a positive learning environment for the general public

I think that if folks took the time to understand the reasons for the some of these rules, they would be convinced of its importance.

I'm sorry that I only enforce rules and not persuade folks of the importance of the rules. I know that the latter would be much more helpful in the long run, but neither do I have the time of day nor do patrons.

Dear Patron,

Stop back-talking to me, rolling your eyes at me, ignoring me, and arguing with me. Please. I'm a student, too, just like you.

***

"Waking Life" - Is the search for total contentment an life phase, or is it life's driving force? Many times, I find that I'm telling myself that I just need to get through "this" (whatever "this" may be at a given moment) and it will pay off in the end.

I just need to get through this and we'll all be reunited soon.

I just need to get through this and I'll be better at my career.

I just need to get through this and I'll be more physically fit.

I just need to get through this to be financially independent.

I just need to get through this and I'll sleep tomorrow.

I just need to get through this in order to have more time for leisure later.

***

What seemed like his mistake 6 years ago now seems fitting. I didn't understand then and never thought I would, but... never say never. If six years from now, this all makes sense, then I'll be content.

***

Dear classmates in my Ed195C class,

I swear to you, I'm not in love with the sound of my own voice... but I do feel uncomfortable in long, drawn out silences. I'm tired of stepping up! I want to step back! Step UP, people!

***

I want my faux back.

***

I want to be famous one day.

***

I really enjoy singing with the choir at church.

***

Fin.

If I were more tired than I am right now, I'd be dead.

This is a dear-diary moment.

I'm beginning to realize now that it's not about the distance; it's about not knowing what you're doing, who you're with, or what you're going through.

I really, really miss my family.

By the way, I know that I'm emotional right now, but this made me laugh and cry at the same time:

1. http://maps.google.com/
2. >Get directions
3. >Berkeley, CA
4. >Honolulu, Hawaii

Do it!

= = =
NTS: Learn how to kayak.

Connections

You, as a living and breathing human, hold a great amount of power.

And you, as a living and breathing human, hold a great amount of power.

= = =
How to affect me as efficiently as possible:

One man berates strangers; for a long time, I ignored him. I promised to myself that he would not break me. After several weeks and several hours, he finally did.

Then, one girl took 15 seconds to tap me on the shoulder, ask me about my day, smile, and wish for me that my day would get better.

Sweet girl FTW.