2018/03/22

It's Thursday.

Today, I:
-overslept
-took an extra 5 minutes to make myself look pretty anyway
-tied up loose ends at work with my students after my two days of absence (I was touched that so many were happy to have me back; I was surprised at how much easier it was to teach than I had built up in my head over two days of absence)
-worked through my break to help some students
-worked through my lunch to meet with a colleague
-zoomed off to interview #3
-then zoomed off to interview #4
-then zoomed off to my tutoring job

...then, 12 hours later, arrived home.

And now it's time to do homework.

= = = =

God, the universe, my body, or something else is telling me to slow down. I'm getting many, many, many messages that I need to slow down. The most recent of which is this weird cough that I've had for 6 weeks now. It started as nausea, then a fever for 5 days, then diarrhea for 4 days, then a cough that just would not let up. Finally, I started having chest pains of some sort... not sure if it's a muscle strain from all the coughing, or a busted rib from all the coughing, or something else.

In the past month, I've called the doctor 4 times. Finally, on the last time, the doctor wrote me a prescription for a host of drugs... and a doctor's note to stay home for two days from work. Next week, I'm supposed to call (again) if symptoms persist in order for them to "check out my lungs".

OK, so all this, plus psychiatric appointments...

= = =

The people whose opinions I trust most tell me that I owe it to myself to slow down. Striving does not have to equate struggling or suffering. It's time to hit the breaks.

= = =

Today, I felt confident in myself for the first time in a long time. I knew that I would have a lot to do today and I didn't fell 100% prepared for any of it. But then, I figured, what do I have to lose? My students will be happy to have their teacher back, someone know they know and trust. After years and years of teaching, my worst teaching day with them is actually quite good. My meeting required no prep on my part--sure, I was nervous about being evaluated/judged/critiqued... but I mentally prepared myself to face the worst and reassured myself that no matter what's said, I know that I'm a decent teacher, regardless of what a boss or supervisor says or believes from the snippets of my teaching that is seen. I wanted to make a good impression at my two interviews today, but I realized there wasn't really anything I could do to prepare for it; all I could do is show up, be friendly, be curious, and try to glean as much information on each school as possible. Finally, for my tutoring session, I was nervous about being called out for not knowing my content (because I hadn't studied up on the content first), but I figured I'd just face the music if it came to that because, welp, I didn't have time to prepare.

AND LOOK! I got through it all. With some charm, even.

= = =

I love that my closest friends have been telling me that I "can" take a break from teaching next year. That is, they're not necessarily telling me that I should, they're just assuring me that if I do:

  1. the world will not end
  2. teaching will always be there
  3. my taking a break (or even leaving) is not a reflection on me as a person or on me as a teacher
  4. there are many ways to continue teaching in capacities different from what I do now
  5. if I choose to take up something else entirely, my years of experience up to this point was not all for nothing... the pieces of my life puzzle will all fit together and make sense later.
= = =

Is it ridiculously and out of this world crazy that I've recently had a pull in my heart to pursue writing? What would it even look like to "pursue" writing? Where would I put my writing? Who can I chat with about writing? What do writers' days (or nights) look like?

= = =

That's me right now. 'Til next time.


2018/03/09

It's Friday.

In re-reading old blog posts, one lesson my past self has taught me is: after weeks and weeks of inner turmoil, self doubt, and general fatigue, sit in silence, binge on popcorn and chocolate, and write.

So, here I am. Sponsored by Trader Joe's.

What am I doubting?

I'll get back to that.

What am I sure of?

I'm tired to my damn bones. I'm fed up. I'm burnt out. I want more time to read and write. I want more time to exercise. I want more time to spend on my marriage. I love reading and writing. I love learning. I love connecting with people who share my aspirations. I need to feel valued for what I have to offer. I've loved seeing my youth develop into mature young adults. I love routine and predictability and security and safety and coziness and organization, but I also love nuance, adventure, and new experiences. I need a change.

OK. So what am I doubting?

Do I love teaching... or am I simply deluded with an insatiable desire to want to be a "good" teacher without the self-confidence to ever actually one day believe that I am? What added value have I provided for my youth? Should I be a teacher? What does "should" mean? Why should I be a teacher? What does it mean to live a fulfilled life? When I strive to achieve, am I happy, or do I just think I'll be happy once I've achieved it?

= = =

What's new?

2018 thus far has been a mish-mash/large serving/deep dive into life coaching, therapy, and self-help books and workbooks and podcasts. My inner compass has been madly spinning as though my head and heart were in alternate dimensions while my body continued to stumble through life on Earth.

I've been re-orienting and re-centering. Here's what's stuck so far (my apologies for not attributing work to proper authors... I'm lazy and I don't want to lose my train of thought):

  • "Liking without wanting is heaven, but wanting without liking is hell."
  • How we experience life, in sum, is not necessarily based on what we do or how we spend our time; it's about our state of mind in every minute of every day. When we operate throughout our day, is our mind cluttered with problems to solve and challenges that are bringing us down, or is it focused on the good that's ever-present? As I sit here, on my couch, on a Friday night after many, many, many hard weeks, where is my mind? If I think about demands at work, my students, my part time job, my grad program, doctors appointments, my health, and on and on... my body becomes tense, I'm worried, I'm drained, my thoughts and my life is consumed. On the other hand, if instead I choose to notice how the hum of the refrigerator has stopped and I'm met with near complete-silence besides the hum of the freeway, and notice the soft couch cushion on my back, and notice the open expanse of a Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday ahead of me, and look forward to BC coming home from work, and look forward to our yummy dinner that he and my sister prepared the night before... then my muscles loosen, my body sinks deeper into my chair, the muscles in my face soften, my heart rate slows, and I remember that I am safe, I am cared for, I am content, and the universe has given me everything that I need. If life is nothing but the sum total of how we've experienced it, then how are we experiencing it? In a state of angst and anxiety or in a state of gratitude and contentment?
  • In the end, literally nobody is paying attention to how I choose to spend the hours of my day or what I do to earn money. Even if they are paying attention, it doesn't matter. So who am I trying to impress? What if I lived my life without any intention of impressing anybody? What would I do differently?
  • I've poured my heart into everything that I do not because that's who I am but because I've carefully selected the things that I do and the way that I spend my time. That being said, when you pour your heart into what you do, you're bound to get burned. When you falter, you question your competence and choice to expend so much time and energy. This has been true for me with teaching. It may be true for me with writing, in the future. Am I ready to pour my heart into a new realm where I will get torn apart by others? Will I have the confidence in myself to push forward? 
= = =

It's now an hour later. I've binged, drank hot soup, written, and even forced myself to cry by watching sappy, guaranteed tear-jerker YouTube videos. Nearly all my guilty pleasures have been accounted for. Last one on the list is disappearing into a book, so off I go.

'Til next time.