Feelings are alarm signals. Emotions try to tell us something. It's up to us to listen to our feelings and respond.
Let's say I wake up one morning, tense, cranky, pessimistic, and just generally feeling sorry for myself. Then, I have two options:
- Dwell on these feelings and thoughts, chase each negative thought down the rabbit hole, get caught in a spiral all the way down, or
- Identify what I'm feeling--in this case, stress--and then focus my attention elsewhere
Perhaps my stress is high because it is sending a warning signal that "there is important work to be done!" OK, then I have a few options for my response:
- "I'm so stressed, I'm going to go do something that relieves my stress"
- "I will work harder to make sure that I get all of this done, even if it means sacrificing meals, free time, or other obligations"
- "I'll just get done what I can get done within x amount of time (because I need to move on to do other things). I'll do what needs to get done first, first. I'll do what needs to get done second, second. If there's anything I fall behind on, I'll deal with those consequences when I get there."
After choosing my response, my stress may dissipate. Or my stress my linger. If my stress lingers, I have a new series of choices:
- "I'm still stressed. I'm going to go to something that relieves my stress"
- "I'm going to put my stress aside and keep working"
Sometimes my stress leads to panic attacks. Then, I have one choice:
- Have the panic attack; move on.
- - -
I'm getting better. I'm getting better mentally and I'm getting better at taking care of myself when life gets challenging.
Whereas I used to get stressed and feel trapped at the bottom of a pit, I now have tools to help get myself out of that pit every time I fall back in.
When I started therapy, I was hopeful that I would go and get cured of anxiety, sadness, and panic attacks. I didn't know if panic disorder was a lifelong sentence, a genetic defect, a curable disease, or something else. I wondered if "other" people who didn't "need" to go to therapy were anxiety-free or better had a higher stress threshold than me. I felt like I was kind of failing at being a functional human and I was hopeful that therapy would fix me.
Therapy has made worlds of a difference, but not in how I expected.
- - -
I started therapy after one panic attack too many. I've had panic attacks in a variety of situations, though I never really understood what was happening to my body, my thoughts, or my emotions with each panic attack. Luckily, one day, a panic attack occurred when I was with someone who had the foresight to recommend that I call Kaiser to tell them about my symptoms and see if I could receive some kind of support.
I called the advice nurse, who made an appointment for me to have a phone consultation. The person I spoke with for the phone consultation was extremely warm, understanding, and friendly. At the end of that phone consultation, she made a doctor's appointment for me.
When I showed up to my appointment, I was unpleasantly surprised to find out that I was referred to Psychiatry. That was scary for me. I thought that they were going to send me to a counselor or a psychologist or some kind of specialist of, well, thoughts and personal problems. Instead they sent me to a psychiatrist, a specialist of mental disorders who can write prescriptions for illnesses...
This has to be a mistake, I thought.
When I met with my doctor, he asked me to tell him about what brought me to call Kaiser and to just generally tell him about what I had going on in my life. He asked about how many times I've had panic attacks, how frequently I've had them, about what was stressing me out, and a bit about my history of stress. Then, he told me that I have panic disorder. Than, I had a panic attack.
I felt distraught. I wondered if I was misdiagnosed, if I'd always had panic disorder, if panic disorder goes away, or if I was doomed to live this way forever. I told some friends and family, but I mostly hid it because I was ashamed. I wondered if I was had panic attacks because I sucked at handling stress. I felt "less than" everyone else, but I didn't want others to see me as less than them.
After my first session, I went to therapy every two weeks for cognitive behavioral therapy. We talked about things that were stressing me out; he acted as an unbiased observer in my life by hearing out my side of an issue that was stressing me out and then offering other perspectives of the situation. He helped me see what my vulnerabilities are (perfectionism, an inferiority complex, fear of panic attacks) and how my vulnerabilities lead to stress when I'm forced to expose and confront these vulnerabilities. He educated me on what panic attacks are and what panic disorder is. When he spotted a pattern of thinking in me that was detrimental to my improvement (for example, if I don't do x, people will think I'm bad at y), he suggest alternatives ways of thinking (even if if I don't do x, I can still be a good y; if I can't do x, it might not be my fault, and I could still be a good y).
At one point, he suggested that I started attending panic disorder group sessions. I refused. I was judgmental of my diagnosis and was still suspicious of whether or not I was diagnosed correctly. I have had students with generalized anxiety disorder and who've had panic attacks, and I see how they are not able to leave their house or function in public. That's not me, I insisted. He responded, "look, it's not like the people in group therapy are like, a bunch of crazies in straight jackets, rocking back and forth in a padded room--they're people just like you, with jobs, and families, and just dealing with the same symptoms as you're dealing with."
I agreed to sign up with the caveat that I could drop before it started or even after one session if I decided that it wasn't for me.
A month or so later, when the class started and everyone went around introducing themselves, I freaked out. I shouldn't be here, I thought. This isn't me. First of all, I didn't identify with the demographic of the room--everyone was White. For some reason, this made me question my belonging in this group. Each person talked about their experience with panic attacks--when it would happen, why it would happen, things they were avoiding in order to not experience panic attacks--and I just felt uncomfortable. For whatever reason, I did not identify with that group of people and I did not think that the process would be helpful to me.
I did continue therapy with my doctor. Every two weeks, we talked about whatever happened to be plaguing me that week, or followed up on whatever was bothering me before. Each time that I returned, he helped me see how many of my stressors related back to one of my vulnerabilities. Each time that I left, I had a new way of approaching a stressful situation.
I eventually did start group therapy for panic attacks again. I was just sick of having panic attacks; I had to face the music and get the help that I needed. I learned that panic attacks are separate from anxiety, though anxiety can lead to an attack; my therapist was helping me with my anxiety, but I needed to learn and get treatment for panic attacks itself.
This time, I did identify with the panic disorder group. Every group member was a person of color and someone I identified with in some way (a Cal student, an alum of an Oakland high school, a parent of a high school student, an educator, an immigrant...). Meeting people with whom I identified helped me feel like a normal person with a normal ailment that other normal people have. In our group sessions, we learned everything there is to know about panic attacks, like how they are not dangerous or deadly, how they are as normal if not annoying of a bodily function as an allergic reaction, a cramp, or a sneeze. We learned how to use exposure therapy to help us decrease the frequency of panic attacks and try to catch them before they begin. Exposure therapy is pretty much exactly what you think it is: if you have a phobia of spiders, exposure therapy demands that you stick your hand in a spider tank; if you have panic disorder, exposure therapy demands that you simulate the symptoms of a panic attack for extended periods of time on daily basis until your body stops reading these signals as something to panic about.
Panic group has been very helpful for me. I've had significantly fewer panic attacks in the past 6 months because 1) I'm not wrapped up in fear that a panic attack is just around the corner anymore because I am no longer afraid of having a panic attack (ironically, the fear of having a panic attack can be so scary that the stress of having one can attack) and 2) I can sense when one is coming and know how to catch it and soothe myself before it becomes a full blown attack. Even if I do get panic attacks, I now know how to recover from it quickly and move on; a huge improvement from before, when I would have a panic attack and call out sick from work.
- - -
My therapist and I agreed that the actual panic attacks had become less of a problem in my life. However, I still had a lot to talk about in my sessions regarding other things I was worried about. I told him about my stresses at work, my worries of losing loved ones, the stress of living in an urban environment, the shock and grief of losing so many loved ones in the span of only a few years... we talked through a lot of my worries, but I still felt like I wasn't doing a great job of managing the every worries of life that everybody else on this world experiences. I noticed that often, I would wake up in the morning with my first thoughts being about something I was worried about. Rather than focusing on the present, worried thoughts would spin out of control while I ate, drove, showered, or laid down to go to bed at night. There was never one major problem that my therapist was helping me through--it was all of my problems, one after the other, as they would come up.
He referred me to another group. This time, for worry. I'm half way through the six-week program. I'm learning how to identify my lived values and my aspirational values, and how to let my values drive my actions, rather than allowing my worried thoughts and anxious feelings drive my actions. I've learned that passing thoughts are only that: passing thoughts. I can have irrational and fearful thoughts; the practice is not in wrestling with or dwelling on these thoughts, but rather in setting those thoughts aside or letting them pass by, and focusing on my task at hand. I still have much to learn.
- - -
I am really and truly getting better.
Panic group has been very helpful for me. I've had significantly fewer panic attacks in the past 6 months because 1) I'm not wrapped up in fear that a panic attack is just around the corner anymore because I am no longer afraid of having a panic attack (ironically, the fear of having a panic attack can be so scary that the stress of having one can attack) and 2) I can sense when one is coming and know how to catch it and soothe myself before it becomes a full blown attack. Even if I do get panic attacks, I now know how to recover from it quickly and move on; a huge improvement from before, when I would have a panic attack and call out sick from work.
- - -
My therapist and I agreed that the actual panic attacks had become less of a problem in my life. However, I still had a lot to talk about in my sessions regarding other things I was worried about. I told him about my stresses at work, my worries of losing loved ones, the stress of living in an urban environment, the shock and grief of losing so many loved ones in the span of only a few years... we talked through a lot of my worries, but I still felt like I wasn't doing a great job of managing the every worries of life that everybody else on this world experiences. I noticed that often, I would wake up in the morning with my first thoughts being about something I was worried about. Rather than focusing on the present, worried thoughts would spin out of control while I ate, drove, showered, or laid down to go to bed at night. There was never one major problem that my therapist was helping me through--it was all of my problems, one after the other, as they would come up.
He referred me to another group. This time, for worry. I'm half way through the six-week program. I'm learning how to identify my lived values and my aspirational values, and how to let my values drive my actions, rather than allowing my worried thoughts and anxious feelings drive my actions. I've learned that passing thoughts are only that: passing thoughts. I can have irrational and fearful thoughts; the practice is not in wrestling with or dwelling on these thoughts, but rather in setting those thoughts aside or letting them pass by, and focusing on my task at hand. I still have much to learn.
- - -
I am really and truly getting better.
