This was a rough year. Let the record show that the latter half of my 30th year of life was psychologically, emotionally, and eventually physically draining. I started going to therapy, I was a wreck, I stopped doing things that brought me comfort or joy and instead scrambled to find ways to survive. I went to the hospital many times. I gained weight. I felt distant from the people closest to me. I was always on edge. I felt helpless and hopeless.
I won't go into the "why" of it all here.
Without further ado, a list:
Life Lessons Learned in my 30th Year of Life
1. Panic attacks suck, a lot, but they are surmountable.
2. I am really good at what I do, I'm smart, and I am continually growing. I won't always get credit for that from people whose approval I misguidedly seek, but no matter--I have loads of experience and my heart is in the right place, so here I march to victory.
3. I won't ever be the best at one thing and I don't have one calling in life. I have many varied interests and it's less important that I become an expert at anything and more important that I commit to a few things and see how far I can take it. For me, these things have been teaching, writing, running, traveling, and reading. I'm no longer trying to become a fast runner, a rock star teacher, an award-winning author, a travel writer, or a critic or editor for some publishing company. I'm just trying to make sure that I am doing one of the above and that I learn some things along the way.
4. Sometimes, I just need to turn my brain off. I over think social situations, I'm self conscious, I'm critical to a fault, I expect the worst and plan every minute detail. And yet, in my most mentally fatigued moments when I was too dead tired to think anymore, life found a way to pleasantly work out for the better. Turning my the chatter in my head down is much easier said than done, but I'm learning to cope.
5. Loved ones are all that matter in life. Few of us leave a legacy postmortem. Reputation and public image are fickle. Goals and dreams are fun, but reaching them doesn't matter if you don't have your loved ones by your side in the end. What's most important is to relish the time spent with loved ones today and every day and to keep your heart open to new friends that life sends your way.
6. Mental health and self care can easily fall by the wayside, yet no one else can take charge besides yourself--so take care of your damn self. What's the point in pursuing your dreams if you're not fulfilled content along the way? Ambition is tricky because desire with pleasure is heaven, but desire without pleasure is hell. Stay hungry, but don't turn yourself into a martyr by starving to death.
7. Act braver than you are. Do what someone braver and smarter than you would do. For me, this year, that's meant traveling solo, joining social functions in which I don't know a single soul, going to group therapy, teaching, sharing my writing with others (to be critiqued!), and beginning the next chapter of my life.
8. Some people really, really suck, and OK, maybe they have their own story and have their own good intentions and you don't have it all figured out, but you don't need to give everyone the time of day to figure them out so that they don't suck in your head any more. Just move on.
9. Just because someone is talking, doesn't mean they have any idea what they're talking about. I read a great book about imposter syndrome called The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women by Valerie Young. I learned about all the ways that I experience imposter syndrome--I second-guess my decisions, I always assume that I am the least experienced person in the room without much to offer, I attempt to compensate by my perceived lack of competence with hard work, research, and planning, I analyze and accept as truth every critique of my own work, and I just generally think I do a crap job at anything I attempt... however, after reading her book, I started to realize 1) I am more competent than I think and 2) not everyone around me is as competent as they want me to think.
Here's to a new decade.
