Bending, Not Breaking; Slowing, Not Braking.

I cracked last night.

I just cried and cried. It was everything and nothing. It's work, school, the pandemic, pregnancy, fear of an uncertain future. Sometimes my brain takes care of itself by blocking stressors when they aren't relevant, allowing me to focus on the present task. Sometimes that damn breaks, and every worry I've ever had come rushing through, one barely distinguishable from the next.

What helped last night was letting some of those thoughts run its course. An image I held onto was my thoughts as clouds and my mind as the clear blue sky just beyond the clouds. The clouds were there, but I let those clouds blur in the background while I concentrated on the hue of the sky. Eventually, I stopped noticing the clouds. Eventually, the clouds drifted away.

I noticed that my body was tense and in pain. I figured this was due to the pregnancy, lack of sleep, and not having time to exercise today. I asked BC to massage my back. The pressure of his hands on my back gave me a new focus. I tried to make my attention laser sharp on the sensation of the knots in my back being pressed away.

We all have ups and downs. What's helpful is having a way to get out of those 'downs'. Sometimes we feel too exhausted to help ourselves. I'm grateful to have BC be there with me when I start to fall apart. Knowing that he's rock steady and by my side is what helps me from falling into an infinite pit. Then, moments when I falter feels more like when we're on one of our walks and we sit to take a break, rather than feeling like a car crash. I just let the panicked feeling run its course until it subsides. Afterwards, we move on.

7 Ways to Deal with Negative Thoughts

1. Recognize thought distortions

• Black and white thinking (seeing everything as one way or the other, without any in beween). I'm not either good at what I do, or bad at what I do; rather, I have strengths and I have areas of growth. She's not either mean/close-minded/judgemental or not those things. She has moments where I perceive her to be that way.

• Personalizing (assuming I am to blame for anything that goes wrong). If a students doesn't learn 'everything that they were supposed to learn with me', it may be because they started behind in my class, they have other priorities outside of my class, they forgot things that they learned with me, or they do know their stuff, but later are being unfairly judged as not knowing their stuff.

• Filter thinking (choosing to see only the negative side of a situation). Let me remember students who I've assessed as knowing their stuff (A, G, S, V, R) and students who seem to trust my skills as a teacher (G, S, V, R, V, M, V, J, Y, A). I can't please 'em all and I can't be the perfect teacher that every single student needs, but I am doing a decent job for many of my students. I need to remember those students and not just focus on the students whom I feel that I am failing.

• Catastrophizing (assuming the worst possible outcome is going to happen). Without thinking too deeply about what I am fearing, I know that there is an underlying fear beneath the stress. Let me parse out what some of these irrational fears are: getting fired, being seen as doing an insufficient job and thus not only getting fired, but also not able to acquire a recommendation, getting antagonized by a parent or admin, being forced to defend myself and being unable to do so... Now, let me try to reason through these fears. For all of the fears: if it happens, it happens, and I get through it. For the most part, if any of the fears actualize, it would still be based on others have insufficient information and having unrealistic standards--that's they're problem, and one that wouldn't have been able to be realistically resolved anyway, even if I could feasibly be the perfect teacher that they were looking for.

2. Challenge negative thoughts. 

• Stop and evaluate what is accurate. (check)
• Think about how you would respond if a friend spoke about herself that way. I would know that my friend is a smart and capable person who will ultimately be OK in the long run. I would know that there are a lot of things out of her control, including negative impact. For example, I would tell her that she had her odds stacked against her in trying to be some perfect teacher: students aren't coming to her as perfect students, she herself is a new teacher, she's measuring herself up to try to be an "A" teacher rather than even at "B" teacher, when in reality, every day that she makes progress and doesn't call it quits, she's an "A" teacher... oh, and of course, now we have these school closures! She can't teach everything that would be expected to be taught otherwise nor will students be able to learn and retain everything that they "should" learn and retain in the course (this is the case under normal circumstance, but even more so right now!).
• Think about other possible outcomes. I become a seasoned precalculus teacher who is familiar with not only the prerequisite knowledge of my course, but also the prerequisite knowledge of the courses that follow. I establish myself so much so that students who excel in my course recognize my added value and students who struggle know that I am doing all that I can and that they need to turn inwardly and look at others for blame (not me!). I establish myself so much so that other teachers trust my knowledge, expertise, and experience. I establish myself so much so that I trust my knowledge, expertise, and experience.

3. Take a break from negative thoughts. 

• Allow yourself to have the thoughts (for maybe five minutes), then take a break from those those thoughts and move on with your day. I want to stop dwelling on these thoughts and take care of what I need to take care of: lesson planning and thesis writing.

4. Release judgement.

• We all judge ourselves and others, usually unconsciously [sic]. Yes, these negative thoughts are a manifestation of me judging myself and holding resentment toward her.
• Constantly comparing ourselves to other people or comparing our lives to some ideal breeds dissatisfaction. Yes, I am comparing my whole self as a teacher to specific strengths of other teachers whom I admire. I have strengths and areas of growth that are my own, as to other teachers. I can't only be an amalgamation of all the best qualities that I see in different people--not only is this not realistic, but all of these qualities would probably come to head with each other: I can't be strict and laid back, calm and enthusiastic, hyper organized and creative AND have life balance... I can only be some of those things some of the time. What I can do is observe when I am being some of those things (and when I am not), recognize it, and acknowledge myself (or forgive myself) and let it go. If I do catch myself in a negative space, I will counteract that thought by finding something to praise myself for.

5. Practice gratitude.

• Right now, I am so grateful for "room to think", à la shelter-in-place. I am grateful to have BC practically at my elbow at all times when I need emotional support or reassurance. I am grateful to be on Spring Break. I am grateful to have work sessions with like-minded individuals. I am grateful to have a comparatively non-stressful job. I am thankful for my (and my baby's) health. I am grateful to have a job and to be in school. I am grateful to be in abundance with food and wealth.

6. Focus on your strengths.

• I am smart, I am capable, I am hard working, I have experience, I am willing to improve, I do improve, I am creative, I am thoughtful and organized, I am empathetic, I am adaptable, I am compassionate.

7. Seek out professional support.

• I usually do have professional support on a weekly basis as well as individual professional support on a monthly (if not bi-weekly) basis. I am nearing my limit as far as what I've been able to shoulder without that support (weekly sessions cancelled and nearing the one-month mark for individual support). 'Til then, I'll use the coping mechanisms that I learned to keep myself afloat: take a daily shower, stay well-fed and hydrated, keep physically active, keep socially engaged, and journal.

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Who Do I Want to be Today?

I came across this graphic on the interwebs and I found it to be quite powerful. Having an awareness of the mindset that you're in is crucial every day, not just during this global pandemic.

I also realize that the mindset that we're in can change daily, even at different times of the day. Right now, I'm in the Learning Zone. I'm identifying my emotions, I'm giving up what I can't control, and I'm recognizing that I am doing my best (as are others).

I'm out of sorts today. I think this has to do with insomnia (which is, in turn, is due to...?). I've been having all kinds of nightmares lately. These nightmares have not been a mystery--my fears have been playing themselves out in my dreams. I feel like every night, someone new dies in my sleep. 

My body feels tense. There's an incessant drone that's driving me up the wall. I've learned a lot about low frequency noise (LFN) and how there's nothing you can do to stop it except for write to your local elected official to do something(??) about the source of the noise (e.g., mandate only certain types of industry and construction in certain neighborhoods) or to straight up move house. LFN cuts through nearly all types of building materials, certainly including whatever materials our centurion residence is comprised.

I know that I'm doing what I can. I'm taking breaks, I did yoga, I went for a walk (while steering clear of annoying people who just haaaaad to walk right up and behind me, making sure not to touch anything, using a face mask, and washing up after getting home), I ate healthy stuff, I ate guilty pleasure stuff, I'm drinking water, I spent a teensy bit of time doing things that usually bring me pleasure like write, draw, and read... I'm listening to music that usually calms me, I'm taking deep breaths, and I talked a bit to my doctor today. So yeah. There's not much else I can do besides all of that, except to let this mood pass.

My doctor brought up medication again. She said that she supports me in my decision to "stay the course" and using CBT and workshops to learn coping mechanisms for depression and anxiety, but that she also wants to make sure that I'm aware that taking medication for mental health also be safe for me and for the baby. She said that she also wanted to bring it up because medication can take time to adjust and to get working, and that in that time, I would be having the baby and going through an extra stressful time with lost sleep, etc. Basically, if I were to consider taking medicine, I might as well start taking it now before things get really bad and while I have some time to get it up and running. She also assured me that taking medication wouldn't have to be some kind of life sentence, that I could take medication for six months, a year, or however long or short I wanted (with doctor supervision). I guess I'm hesitant because I know that there are times that I pull out of these moods without medication and because the coping mechanisms that I've learned usually also help pull me out of these moods. I just want all of that to keep working. I don't like being in this position of trying to decide whether or not I'm in "bad enough" of a state to resort to medicine. My doctor said that she believes in the importance treating mental health with medication just as much as she believes that someone with diabetes needs to take insulin. And yeah, I get that... I would be an idiot if I were diagnosed with diabetes but refused to take insulin. Is this the same thing? Do I feel ashamed about feeling anxious and depressed at times, to the point of possibly needing medicine? Am I being unnecessarily stubborn? I don't know why, but my first thought about starting medication goes to my parents. Without ever asking them about there take on this, I imagine them advising me to change something about my lifestyle if I'm feeling anxious or depressed, or praying, or just... I don't know, fixing something about my actions or mindset rather than reaching for a bottle of pills. That doesn't make them right, but I guess it would leave me wondering if there just is still something that I'm not doing or overdoing or thinking or overthinking that's getting me into these moods.

I can't always help how I feel, but I can try to take action. Sometimes, taking action helps influence how I feel. So right now, that's what I'll do. I'll think about the medication thing more. And I guess, til then, I should also try to do a better job of tracking my moods.

"Seek fulfillment, not productivity." OK, that's what I'll do.

Cabin Fever

My therapist said to go ahead and journal even on the days that I don't feel like it. That we can sometimes set up this expectation of what a thought out journal entry should look like, to the point that when we feel crummy, that we're afraid that we won't be able to produce quite the entry that we wanted to produce.

So this is me doing that.

I woke up this morning at 3am after about 4 hours of sleep. Today is Wednesday, April 1st. I've been self-quarantining since March 15th. Seventeen days ago. I could have stopped a the 14-day mark because that was all that was required of me, but I think that the uncertainty of the times has got me feeling a little agoraphobic and a lot germaphobic. I notice every cough, every sniffle, every moment of shortness of breath, every achy joint, and every time my cheeks feel flush. I don't know if I've been infected with COVID-19 yet, so I don't know if I have the antibodies for it yet. And in turn... I don't know how severe my symptoms would be if I got it.

So I lay in wait. Sheltering in place.

I felt pretty good for the first couple of weeks, personally. I like having people home with me all the time. I like not having to wake up so early, I like not having to commute, I like having a full hour for lunch and being able to take breaks on my couch. I like not having to be anywhere, I like not feeling like I'm missing out on something going on out there.

But today, I woke up anxious. I don't know why. I don't know what's on my mind. I keep tearing up randomly. My body feels tense and sad at the same time.

Let me focus on some positives. I just had a great tutoring session. I feel like a competent human being who got some things done today. I am taking advantage of my opportunity to rest and restore my body right now. I am going through my checklist of getting myself out of these funks: I connected with friends, I exercised, I meditated, I finished the book I was reading, I made sure to eat at regular intervals, I took a shower, and now I'm journaling. Later, I'm going to do a home project and make a yummy dinner with BC. I'm doing what I can.

One thing that I learned in therapy is that moods just come and happen to us. They just do. I didn't cause this. Then, thoughts follow moods. In my case, my thoughts started to trail off to worried thoughts about our future amidst this crisis. It's a lot. I'm trying to reign those thoughts back in and notice that my mood just is my mood and my thoughts are fears, not reality.

My reality is I get to be home right now, continue getting paid for easier work, and rest my pregnant body. I am so very fortunate.

I'm also very tired. I think I'll rest now.