Cabin Fever

My therapist said to go ahead and journal even on the days that I don't feel like it. That we can sometimes set up this expectation of what a thought out journal entry should look like, to the point that when we feel crummy, that we're afraid that we won't be able to produce quite the entry that we wanted to produce.

So this is me doing that.

I woke up this morning at 3am after about 4 hours of sleep. Today is Wednesday, April 1st. I've been self-quarantining since March 15th. Seventeen days ago. I could have stopped a the 14-day mark because that was all that was required of me, but I think that the uncertainty of the times has got me feeling a little agoraphobic and a lot germaphobic. I notice every cough, every sniffle, every moment of shortness of breath, every achy joint, and every time my cheeks feel flush. I don't know if I've been infected with COVID-19 yet, so I don't know if I have the antibodies for it yet. And in turn... I don't know how severe my symptoms would be if I got it.

So I lay in wait. Sheltering in place.

I felt pretty good for the first couple of weeks, personally. I like having people home with me all the time. I like not having to wake up so early, I like not having to commute, I like having a full hour for lunch and being able to take breaks on my couch. I like not having to be anywhere, I like not feeling like I'm missing out on something going on out there.

But today, I woke up anxious. I don't know why. I don't know what's on my mind. I keep tearing up randomly. My body feels tense and sad at the same time.

Let me focus on some positives. I just had a great tutoring session. I feel like a competent human being who got some things done today. I am taking advantage of my opportunity to rest and restore my body right now. I am going through my checklist of getting myself out of these funks: I connected with friends, I exercised, I meditated, I finished the book I was reading, I made sure to eat at regular intervals, I took a shower, and now I'm journaling. Later, I'm going to do a home project and make a yummy dinner with BC. I'm doing what I can.

One thing that I learned in therapy is that moods just come and happen to us. They just do. I didn't cause this. Then, thoughts follow moods. In my case, my thoughts started to trail off to worried thoughts about our future amidst this crisis. It's a lot. I'm trying to reign those thoughts back in and notice that my mood just is my mood and my thoughts are fears, not reality.

My reality is I get to be home right now, continue getting paid for easier work, and rest my pregnant body. I am so very fortunate.

I'm also very tired. I think I'll rest now.