First Perinatal Depression Appointment
It's been about three weeks since I started feeling low. Saturday and Sunday, I felt like I was maybe on the upswing. I even ventured out of the house for non-mandatory activities.
And then I got the news that hit me like a punch in the gut. CR, a former student of mine, committed suicide.
No, no, no... of all the kids... no, not that any kid deserves anything like this more than another kid, but not CR. He's the sweetest kid around. Kind, smart, helpful, and just a pleasure to serve.
I feel low again. I don't know how to process CR's death.
Doctor said that I could be suffering from a hormonal imbalance, or from unresolved worries, or from unacknowledged environmental stressors. I've chosen to hop back on the talk therapy train. Maybe there are coping mechanisms for depression that are different from coping mechanisms for anxiety. Maybe what I'm experiencing is an off-shoot of anxiety, and that I have buried fears that are hindering me from feel peace, hope, or optimism, like my subconscious is trying to be extra cautious in case danger lies ahead.
When I was feeling anxious, I felt dread, fatigue, restlessness. Depression feels like grief, insomnia, tiredness, nothing, sadness, and emptiness.
I feel lonely, like I'm in hole and don't know how to get myself out. I feel like I need help, but I don't know where to turn.
2019/10/28
2019/10/23
First Prenatal Appointment
I had my first prenatal appointment today. I saw the baby.
This also marks three weeks of feeling like this. Horrible. Terrible. Miserable. Grief-stricken.
I feel bad even saying it because by all accounts, we are lucky to have gotten pregnant so quickly and for everyone to be in good health. We are in a fantastic time in our lives to be welcoming such a long awaited change.
Yet I feel like shit. I feel like someone died and I'm left trying to cope. I go to bed wide awake. I wake up tired. I am not motivated to do anything. I let all of my responsibilities fall by the way side because I cannot bring myself to care. Whereas everything used to put me on edge, I now find myself not worrying about any consequences. My mind is blank. My energy is low. I have no drive.
I felt blank when the doctor showed us the ultrasound. The only difference that I feel now is that I now have zero doubt that I am pregnant. I wondered before if I just happened to have all the symptoms of pregnancy without an actual pregnancy. But now, I, BC, and my doctor have all seen the baby.
My mind won't think to the future. My mind will barely think past one minute from now. I know that I need to get work done for tomorrow. I know that I need to get ready for tonight. I know that my former self would start making lists and planning and dreaming. But my brain feels broken. The "think ahead" section of my brain feels switched off.
At best, I feel flat. I felt no anticipation going into this appointment, except to finally tell a doctor that I've been feeling depressed. I felt nothing when seeing the ultrasound. I felt nothing in the car afterwards.
I finally cried when telling my doctor that I've felt like this for three weeks now. I say 'finally' because I wouldn't describe how I am feeling as sadness. I just feel emptiness. It feels like the emotional version of physical exhaustion. I told her that I have no motivation to do anything. I told her that I don't even know what to tell her because my thoughts feel empty. I don't have any worried thoughts. The only thoughts I have lately is, "I should probably eat... oh well," and "what was I supposed to do today? ...oh well."
After she and I wrapped up our conversation, we moved on to the ultrasound part of the appointment. I switched off the tears easily, like a faucet. Then, I pretended to feel happy when I saw the ultrasound. I came up with questions to ask so as not to appear totally checked out. "That's crazy," I heard myself react. But I felt like I was passively watching a commercial break interrupt a show I was watching, or like I was pretending to watch a flight attendant explain the safety features of a Boeing 747. My mind was blank and my heart felt elsewhere.
Three weeks now, of feeling like this.
This also marks three weeks of feeling like this. Horrible. Terrible. Miserable. Grief-stricken.
I feel bad even saying it because by all accounts, we are lucky to have gotten pregnant so quickly and for everyone to be in good health. We are in a fantastic time in our lives to be welcoming such a long awaited change.
Yet I feel like shit. I feel like someone died and I'm left trying to cope. I go to bed wide awake. I wake up tired. I am not motivated to do anything. I let all of my responsibilities fall by the way side because I cannot bring myself to care. Whereas everything used to put me on edge, I now find myself not worrying about any consequences. My mind is blank. My energy is low. I have no drive.
I felt blank when the doctor showed us the ultrasound. The only difference that I feel now is that I now have zero doubt that I am pregnant. I wondered before if I just happened to have all the symptoms of pregnancy without an actual pregnancy. But now, I, BC, and my doctor have all seen the baby.
My mind won't think to the future. My mind will barely think past one minute from now. I know that I need to get work done for tomorrow. I know that I need to get ready for tonight. I know that my former self would start making lists and planning and dreaming. But my brain feels broken. The "think ahead" section of my brain feels switched off.
At best, I feel flat. I felt no anticipation going into this appointment, except to finally tell a doctor that I've been feeling depressed. I felt nothing when seeing the ultrasound. I felt nothing in the car afterwards.
I finally cried when telling my doctor that I've felt like this for three weeks now. I say 'finally' because I wouldn't describe how I am feeling as sadness. I just feel emptiness. It feels like the emotional version of physical exhaustion. I told her that I have no motivation to do anything. I told her that I don't even know what to tell her because my thoughts feel empty. I don't have any worried thoughts. The only thoughts I have lately is, "I should probably eat... oh well," and "what was I supposed to do today? ...oh well."
After she and I wrapped up our conversation, we moved on to the ultrasound part of the appointment. I switched off the tears easily, like a faucet. Then, I pretended to feel happy when I saw the ultrasound. I came up with questions to ask so as not to appear totally checked out. "That's crazy," I heard myself react. But I felt like I was passively watching a commercial break interrupt a show I was watching, or like I was pretending to watch a flight attendant explain the safety features of a Boeing 747. My mind was blank and my heart felt elsewhere.
Three weeks now, of feeling like this.
2019/10/09
Tracking
9/30 - First day of missed period
10/1 - Second day of missed period
10/2 - Third day of missed period
10/3 - Feeling depressed. Feeling empty. Crying. Wondering if I'm pregnant. Thinking I probably am. Not wanting to check quite yet. After all, if a pregnancy test would tell the truth next week, so why take it now? Sitting in an empty apartment. Not knowing what to do with myself. Feeling deep, deep emptiness. Needing to get up and do something, not wanting to do anything. Letting the minutes pass. Letting the hours pass. Time to pack. Time to go. Fine, I'll take the test.
Positive.
Sob.
Cry.
Sob.
Pull myself together.
Scramble to find a blank card and empty gift bag. Sneak out the house.
Meet Brian. Tell him I have a gift for him. Record. React, somewhat. Drive to the airport. Leave.
At the airport. Thoughts of 'don't get my hopes up' quickly fade away. I start calculating, planning, writing down dates. I'm probably five weeks along. Due date might be June 5th. First trimester might be around Thanksgiving. Third trimester might be around Spring Break. When to reveal to family? How? And friends? What will we do about work and child care next year?
10/4 - Tired. Four hours of sleep. Breakfast with Kuya Z. I have a secret. Work day at home. Try to stay focused. Mostly just feel depressed. Work out. Feel better. But still feel depressed. Go out for dinner with Alby. Now, distracted. Better.
10/5 - Tired. Tossing and turning all night. Breakfast with Kuya Z, Alby, Tin, and Paul. I have a big, big secret. Try to stay distracted. Deflect the conversation away from me. Ask lots of questions. Listen intently. Joke. Say good bye. Secret kept. Fast forward. Cory's first birthday. Childhood friends. I have a big, big, big, secret. Conversation centers around who is having kids and when. "April, do you want kids? When?" Shrug. "We'll see." Fast forward. Reunited with BC. We have a secret.
10/6 - Tired, but awake again. I've seen 3 A.M. three nights in a row. Food festival with Edo and Nikki. Stay distracted. Don't spill the beans. Depression starting to fade. Optimism settling in. Alertness kicking in. I'm exhausted, but feel like I've had six cups of coffee.
10/7 - Work. Try to discreetly call the doctor. First time spilling the beans. First time hearing "congratulations!". Exhausted. Starting to feel excited and happy and optimistic. So tired. Fell asleep while watching a show.
10/8 - Work. Cramps. Fatigue. Moodiness. Fortitude. Talk to Gia on the phone. Lots to catch up on; lots to keep me distracted. Lots to divert and steer the conversation with. So tired. Work from 7:30 A.M., to sitting in traffic, to sitting in class at SFSU, to sitting in traffic, to getting home at 8:30 P.M. Rosiness fading. Fell asleep sitting up with my phone in my hand.
10/9 - Depression coming back. Lots to do. Work at AIA, work at home, drive to SFSU, meet with Evie, meet with Judy, check in with Ash, sit in traffic... collapse on the couch. Force myself to get off the couch to make myself a snack. Tired. Empty. Unmotivated.
10/1 - Second day of missed period
10/2 - Third day of missed period
10/3 - Feeling depressed. Feeling empty. Crying. Wondering if I'm pregnant. Thinking I probably am. Not wanting to check quite yet. After all, if a pregnancy test would tell the truth next week, so why take it now? Sitting in an empty apartment. Not knowing what to do with myself. Feeling deep, deep emptiness. Needing to get up and do something, not wanting to do anything. Letting the minutes pass. Letting the hours pass. Time to pack. Time to go. Fine, I'll take the test.
Positive.
Sob.
Cry.
Sob.
Pull myself together.
Scramble to find a blank card and empty gift bag. Sneak out the house.
Meet Brian. Tell him I have a gift for him. Record. React, somewhat. Drive to the airport. Leave.
At the airport. Thoughts of 'don't get my hopes up' quickly fade away. I start calculating, planning, writing down dates. I'm probably five weeks along. Due date might be June 5th. First trimester might be around Thanksgiving. Third trimester might be around Spring Break. When to reveal to family? How? And friends? What will we do about work and child care next year?
10/4 - Tired. Four hours of sleep. Breakfast with Kuya Z. I have a secret. Work day at home. Try to stay focused. Mostly just feel depressed. Work out. Feel better. But still feel depressed. Go out for dinner with Alby. Now, distracted. Better.
10/5 - Tired. Tossing and turning all night. Breakfast with Kuya Z, Alby, Tin, and Paul. I have a big, big secret. Try to stay distracted. Deflect the conversation away from me. Ask lots of questions. Listen intently. Joke. Say good bye. Secret kept. Fast forward. Cory's first birthday. Childhood friends. I have a big, big, big, secret. Conversation centers around who is having kids and when. "April, do you want kids? When?" Shrug. "We'll see." Fast forward. Reunited with BC. We have a secret.
10/6 - Tired, but awake again. I've seen 3 A.M. three nights in a row. Food festival with Edo and Nikki. Stay distracted. Don't spill the beans. Depression starting to fade. Optimism settling in. Alertness kicking in. I'm exhausted, but feel like I've had six cups of coffee.
10/7 - Work. Try to discreetly call the doctor. First time spilling the beans. First time hearing "congratulations!". Exhausted. Starting to feel excited and happy and optimistic. So tired. Fell asleep while watching a show.
10/8 - Work. Cramps. Fatigue. Moodiness. Fortitude. Talk to Gia on the phone. Lots to catch up on; lots to keep me distracted. Lots to divert and steer the conversation with. So tired. Work from 7:30 A.M., to sitting in traffic, to sitting in class at SFSU, to sitting in traffic, to getting home at 8:30 P.M. Rosiness fading. Fell asleep sitting up with my phone in my hand.
10/9 - Depression coming back. Lots to do. Work at AIA, work at home, drive to SFSU, meet with Evie, meet with Judy, check in with Ash, sit in traffic... collapse on the couch. Force myself to get off the couch to make myself a snack. Tired. Empty. Unmotivated.
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