First Prenatal Appointment

I had my first prenatal appointment today. I saw the baby.

This also marks three weeks of feeling like this. Horrible. Terrible. Miserable. Grief-stricken.

I feel bad even saying it because by all accounts, we are lucky to have gotten pregnant so quickly and for everyone to be in good health. We are in a fantastic time in our lives to be welcoming such a long awaited change.

Yet I feel like shit. I feel like someone died and I'm left trying to cope. I go to bed wide awake. I wake up tired. I am not motivated to do anything. I let all of my responsibilities fall by the way side because I cannot bring myself to care. Whereas everything used to put me on edge, I now find myself not worrying about any consequences. My mind is blank. My energy is low. I have no drive.

I felt blank when the doctor showed us the ultrasound. The only difference that I feel now is that I now have zero doubt that I am pregnant. I wondered before if I just happened to have all the symptoms of pregnancy without an actual pregnancy. But now, I, BC, and my doctor have all seen the baby.

My mind won't think to the future. My mind will barely think past one minute from now. I know that I need to get work done for tomorrow. I know that I need to get ready for tonight. I know that my former self would start making lists and planning and dreaming. But my brain feels broken. The "think ahead" section of my brain feels switched off.

At best, I feel flat. I felt no anticipation going into this appointment, except to finally tell a doctor that I've been feeling depressed. I felt nothing when seeing the ultrasound. I felt nothing in the car afterwards.

I finally cried when telling my doctor that I've felt like this for three weeks now. I say 'finally' because I wouldn't describe how I am feeling as sadness. I just feel emptiness. It feels like the emotional version of physical exhaustion. I told her that I have no motivation to do anything. I told her that I don't even know what to tell her because my thoughts feel empty. I don't have any worried thoughts. The only thoughts I have lately is, "I should probably eat... oh well," and "what was I supposed to do today? ...oh well."

After she and I wrapped up our conversation, we moved on to the ultrasound part of the appointment. I switched off the tears easily, like a faucet. Then, I pretended to feel happy when I saw the ultrasound. I came up with questions to ask so as not to appear totally checked out. "That's crazy," I heard myself react. But I felt like I was passively watching a commercial break interrupt a show I was watching, or like I was pretending to watch a flight attendant explain the safety features of a Boeing 747. My mind was blank and my heart felt elsewhere.

Three weeks now, of feeling like this.