CR

First Perinatal Depression Appointment

It's been about three weeks since I started feeling low. Saturday and Sunday, I felt like I was maybe on the upswing. I even ventured out of the house for non-mandatory activities.

And then I got the news that hit me like a punch in the gut. CR, a former student of mine, committed suicide.

No, no, no... of all the kids... no, not that any kid deserves anything like this more than another kid, but not CR. He's the sweetest kid around. Kind, smart, helpful, and just a pleasure to serve.

I feel low again. I don't know how to process CR's death.

Doctor said that I could be suffering from a hormonal imbalance, or from unresolved worries, or from unacknowledged environmental stressors. I've chosen to hop back on the talk therapy train. Maybe there are coping mechanisms for depression that are different from coping mechanisms for anxiety. Maybe what I'm experiencing is an off-shoot of anxiety, and that I have buried fears that are hindering me from feel peace, hope, or optimism, like my subconscious is trying to be extra cautious in case danger lies ahead.

When I was feeling anxious, I felt dread, fatigue, restlessness. Depression feels like grief, insomnia, tiredness, nothing, sadness, and emptiness.

I feel lonely, like I'm in hole and don't know how to get myself out. I feel like I need help, but I don't know where to turn.