2018/05/30

Progress

What have I learned?

Anxiety is normal, healthy, and necessary.
Anxiety and panic disorder is the fear of said anxiety.
To hope for health does not mean to hope never to feel anxious again.

Anxiety shouldn't go away and neither should the things that currently make me anxious. Instead, I can learn how to deal with anxiety as it comes and I can learn take on a new perspective with the things that make me anxious. This is my path to good health.

Cheers.

2018/05/18

Tailspin

I know that I need to do something restorative--I know this with my mind, but my body disagrees. I feel empty and withdrawn.

I'm so tired.

I'm feeling beaten down. I'm not performing at my best because I don't have enough left to give. Then, I feel crappy about doing a crappy job. Then, I have to face the consequences of doing a crappy job.

A student asked me today, "do you ever smile?"

Damn.

I'm on a tailspin right now. What am I doing? What's it all for? I try to hold high standards, and then I lose kids along the way. I try to offer supports everywhere necessary, and then I burn myself out. I build and rely on routine to make my job easier, to make class run smoother, and to have clear expectations, but youth (and I) get bored of the monotony. I try to mix it up and do something new, and then I face revolt and confusion and spend way too much time shopping for materials, managing materials, and wondering what to do with the aftermath of the chaos.

In my first year, I faced more hardships but had more optimism. Now, at the end of my fourth year, I wonder where I'm going with all this. I want to teach well, and I teach better now than I did back then, but I want to teach even better. That said, I don't want to work this hard anymore. I work all day Sunday and many evenings until 11pm--and those are the easier hours. The school day itself feels ridden with lost battles.

I love my kids. So much. I want them to have a better teacher than me. I want to be better. I'm not going to get better at this rate... I'm only becoming bitter.

This is why I'm starting a new chapter. I'm leaving not with my tail between my legs, but with my head held high. I'm re-sparking my curiosity and am in search of a little more optimism.