2018/02/25

A Letter to Heal My Inner Child

I've done this before, but my present self needs to do this exercise again. This time, my present self needs me need to dig deeper.

Dear inner child,

You are 16 going on 17. You have spent many sleepless nights riddled with anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or just burning the midnight oil grinding and working. You're stressed out. You have huge goals in mind. You have people whom you want to please. You need to hear from me.

You are working at 200%. You don't know your worth and you don't pause for accolades. Remember that book your wrote? The collection of short stories? It was good. It made your mom cry (in a good way). Where is it now?  Take pride in your writing. You didn't pause after you finished it. You submitted it and moved on to the next thing. You treat school and work and learning as a conveyor belt - input, output, input, output. Sometimes, you're like Lucy at the pie factory: the pies come at your faster than you can process them and suddenly you're in a big mess of whipped cream, pie crumbs, and tears.

You are smart. You are talented. You are hardworking. You care about people.

Take care of yourself. Take stock of what's around you. Your high school days with your high school friends will be over before you know it; those days will be gone forever. Know that life is a gift meant for you to appreciate and enjoy, not an obstacle course to be suffered through and eventually conquered.

Taking time to pause does not make you a slacker; it makes you balanced and human. Congratulating yourself does not make you conceited; it makes you confident and convinces you that you are capable of the Next Big Thing.

You think that you have to please your parents by convincing them that you are a Good Girl. You think that you have to impress everyone else by convincing them that you can get straight As, be the presidents of everything, play every instrument, and get into the best colleges to major in the hardest disciplines and to go on to graduate in the top-paid fields. You don't. You don't have to race to the top. Not if it's burning you out.

You're asking me, "what should I do instead?"

Support others through teaching, mentorship, coaching, and championing. Do what interests you--that is, do what gets you excited because it gets your excited. You're a lifelong learner, you're a leader, you're a coach and a mentor, you're a teacher, you're a reader, and you're a writer. This is who you are at your core. Move at a human pace, not at a super-human pace. Do what you can, do what you want, and know that you are more than enough for the world.

You've always loaded your plate with more than you can handle because you're Next Big Thing is always actually three steps away yet you're eager to get there now. Doing so got you as far as it got you. Have you enjoyed the journey? You think that when you "get there" you'll finally be happy and enjoy your achievement, but actually, you don't stop and take stock. You keep pushing. Pushing is fine if you enjoy pushing, but you don't always enjoy it. In fact, it usually drives you insane.

Slow down. Put away the work. Breathe.

You are hardworking. You are brave. You are smart. I know this with or without that the things you have achieved and will achieve in the future. This is you, at your core. When you stumble, it's not evidence that you are incapable; it's evidence that you are growing.

Listen to me because I know you better than anyone else and because I am smarter and wiser than you, past self.

Enjoy your life because life is a gift to you. You only get one. Cherish it.

Best,
April-at-29.