Every now and then, I have a haunted dream. One I can’t shake. One I want to return to, escape back into, slip away and fall back into, so that I can resolve something and feel more fully what I felt so completely in my sleep. By morning, an unsettled feeling follows me like a ghost. I try to hang on to wisps of a world that feels so real that the only convincing explanation for it’s vividness is that I peeked into a portal of another dimension—an alternate reality.
For now, I’ll send out a smoke signal: I’m here. Let’s talk. I hope you’re well. Take care.
2019/02/19
2019/02/13
I had a kind of revelation today. I'm trying to nail it down.
What if I just start accepting myself? What if I stop blaming myself for having a hard time and just believe that I am who I am supposed to be? What if it's OK to have hard days and to take breaks? What if the work is outsized to be done to perfection, so then I just do what I can and move on?
What if I am perfect the way I am? What if Got has equipped me with everything that I need to thrive and grow in life? What if I am a success story? What if I just started having fun and started being proud of myself?
What if the goal is not to not break down? What if it was OK to break down every once in a while? What if I found out that everyone breaks down every once in a while? What if my circumstances need to change, not me? What if it wasn't my fault? What if instead of being too sensitive, I knew that I was just sensitive enough? What if instead of being too impatient, I knew that my patience was just enough and that everything else is what got my patience spent?
What if I'm not too delicate? What if I'm not too depressed or anxious? What if I were right, just the way I am? What if I weren't overreacting, and just reacting in the way that is uniquely me?
They prayed over me today. They prayed that I would know and hear that God has given me the confidence that I need to succeed and excel in my life. They showered me in praises that I needed and filled me with love and healing protection.
Today was just another hiccup. I will always, always, always have hiccups. But with each, I get stronger, wiser, and more capable. I love who I am. I love me. That's why I need to prioritize me. I come before school, work, and anything else that I'm running back and forth from. Unfortunately I don't always get to schedule myself in and my "self" come crashing through the door demanding attention before all else. Sorry work, school, all else--I guess you'll just have to wait.
What if I just start accepting myself? What if I stop blaming myself for having a hard time and just believe that I am who I am supposed to be? What if it's OK to have hard days and to take breaks? What if the work is outsized to be done to perfection, so then I just do what I can and move on?
What if I am perfect the way I am? What if Got has equipped me with everything that I need to thrive and grow in life? What if I am a success story? What if I just started having fun and started being proud of myself?
What if the goal is not to not break down? What if it was OK to break down every once in a while? What if I found out that everyone breaks down every once in a while? What if my circumstances need to change, not me? What if it wasn't my fault? What if instead of being too sensitive, I knew that I was just sensitive enough? What if instead of being too impatient, I knew that my patience was just enough and that everything else is what got my patience spent?
What if I'm not too delicate? What if I'm not too depressed or anxious? What if I were right, just the way I am? What if I weren't overreacting, and just reacting in the way that is uniquely me?
They prayed over me today. They prayed that I would know and hear that God has given me the confidence that I need to succeed and excel in my life. They showered me in praises that I needed and filled me with love and healing protection.
Today was just another hiccup. I will always, always, always have hiccups. But with each, I get stronger, wiser, and more capable. I love who I am. I love me. That's why I need to prioritize me. I come before school, work, and anything else that I'm running back and forth from. Unfortunately I don't always get to schedule myself in and my "self" come crashing through the door demanding attention before all else. Sorry work, school, all else--I guess you'll just have to wait.
2019/02/08
I'm getting better, I think. Better at surviving. Better at floating along. Better at persisting, at bouncing back, at catching myself before I fall down endless pits.
I'm trying to prove something to myself. I'm starting to talk a bigger game. I'm learning to call the shots. I'm learning to sniff out the B.S. I'm starting to self-indulge, explore my tastes, and do things for the sake of granting myself a stolen moment of happiness.
Sometimes I just cry and cry. But now, I know how to kick it into high gear--take a break, meditate, hydrate, release steam, name the emotion, accept the emotion, accept myself. These moments happen and will probably continue to happen. What's important is that I'm getter better at knowing how to self soothe.
I'm trying to prove something to myself. I'm starting to talk a bigger game. I'm learning to call the shots. I'm learning to sniff out the B.S. I'm starting to self-indulge, explore my tastes, and do things for the sake of granting myself a stolen moment of happiness.
Sometimes I just cry and cry. But now, I know how to kick it into high gear--take a break, meditate, hydrate, release steam, name the emotion, accept the emotion, accept myself. These moments happen and will probably continue to happen. What's important is that I'm getter better at knowing how to self soothe.
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