21 Weeks flat

We've surpassed a major milestone: the 20-week ultrasound.

I've pushed myself to a lot of baby-preparation things in the two days since. I had been putting a lot of that off for a while. Folks have been asking me why I haven't bought my maternity matron of honor dress yet, why I hadn't booked my baby moon ticket yet, why I hadn't started thinking about my baby shower or baby registry yet... and I don't know. Something inside me wasn't ready for that.

I finally went in and talked to my therapist. Funny how anxiety feels like a crisis, but depression feels like... nothing. My doctor said that it's important that I'm sharing with him that I feel that way and that it can get better. I don't have to feel like this.

"At first, though, the invulnerability that accompanied the detachment was exhilarating. At least as exhilarating as something can be without involving real emotions." - Allie Brosh, Hyperbole and a Half

I wouldn't say I feel "better" after my appointment, but I am more informed. To that end, I'm keeping up with work and work outs. I'm making plans and making moves for future events. I invited family to come visit in February. BC and I booked our tickets to our happy place: Iceland. That'll be in March: only one month and one week from today. BC and I made a guest list and picked a theme for our SoCal baby shower to hand off to my besties (they are truly the best) and I'll book my ticket for SD tonight. That'll be in April. I'm gonna decide this weekend if I'll also attend her bachelorette party, which will be in April. I ordered my matron of honor dress; I have no idea what size I will be come the day of the wedding (or what state I'll be in), but I suppose I can improve and adjust as necessary. That'll be for May 29th. The baby is due June 5th. I've even gone shopping for myself. This sounds minuscule, but I didn't realize until buying these items that I had been putting off shopping because I truly felt like, "what's the point?". Now, I feel like the 'point' is to have clothes that will fit my new body and the body that I'm going to have in the coming months... or even years. I've started looking for baby things and am building our collection of random baby hand-me-downs. I've reached out to more and more friends to tell them the news. We're looking at houses this weekend, for move-in some time around when/after the baby is here.

I'm going through the motions as though yes, this is actually happening rather than "waiting to see".

So yeah... I'm making moves for future things. This is a step up from not even bothering to plan as far ahead as dinner time.

= = =

Physical updates: Baby is 13 oz., is probably about 10.5 inches in length, and so far totally on schedule for our June 5th due date. Everything is accounted for and looking healthy. Baby has a bright spot on his/her heart, which is a little nerve-racking, but somewhat common for babies of Asian descent. I think I've been feeling more activity in my belly lately, though it's still hard to tell *what* exactly I'm feeling. Like, are those kicks? Or indigestion?

Yoga and dance has been a god-send. Prenatal yoga has been helpful for being around other pregnant women of various due dates and lifestyles, for learning about my pregnant body, for having somewhere nice to go three times a week, and for what is essentially a cheap-o self-massage. Hip hop has been great for cardio, fun, music, and meeting people outside of my friend/family/coworker/student circle.

Spicy food has been no fun. Baby seems to love sweet and salty. I thought that my childhood days of candy and milk chocolate were long gone as my palette switched to beer, black coffee, and dark chocolate, but baby does not like bitter things at all. Nothing seems to be sweet enough! I would eat french fries and burgers all day every day if I could. My body seems to be rejecting my usual favorites, like spicy ramen. Baby loves bland, greasy, hot, salty, and sweet. I'm trying to trick my body into eating sweet popsicles and fruit rather than candy and hot, salted veggies and grains rather than fries and bread. I've switched to sweet protein bars (cookies and cream flavored) rather than my usual morning bowl of oatmeal because what once tasted refreshing and just-sweet-enough now tastes like horse feed.

I get winded more easily now. Finding a comfortable and safe sleeping position is confusing, but since I ain't trippin one way or another about getting enough sleep, I haven't minded just lying there in bed until I finally catch a few hours of sleep. Work has been easy enough (and perhaps not enough of a priority) that I don't *need* a full night's worth of sleep to function. I just go about my day at half-charge, I don't mind.

Anyway, my next moves is to get a little ahead in work, to clean and organize the apartment, and to continue thrifting for baby items. Even though it feels hard to prepare for baby, it feels familiar to dive into consumer-savvy practices, like looking for free and re-useable resources. That's fun enough :)

19 Weeks+5 Days

A month ago, I resolved to be better. Or rather, to do better. Since then, I've attended weekly yoga classes, dance class, and even a couple of spin classes. I've reached out to multiple friends and I've even shared with them what I've been going through, mentally/emotionally. I've kept up with work, even if with some procrastination. I've kept up with chores. I've worked at pulling people closer, even when I don't know what to say, rather than isolating myself.

Despite it all, my mood has come around and has been taking a dive again. I'm trying to ignore it, to not engage with it, to move past it. I reached out to doctors and just got a ton of lab work done. We'll see what the results are soon.

- - -

We've finally told nearly all friends and family. A few out-of-town friends have still yet to hear from us, but I need a break. Folks' range of reactions have been really surprising to me. Some people were surprised, others full of I-knew-its, some excited to ask me what I've been going through, others asking way more "future" questions than we're ready to answer ("what are you having? will you have a gender reveal? where will you live? will you want more kids?"), and, still surprisingly, others who had nearly no reaction. Though this news is huge for us, one more baby announcement may be trite news at this stage of my friends' lives.

I caught a cold a few days ago. This has been tough to tolerate since I can't take cold medicine. I've opted instead for Tylenol and sleeping pills. Other than that, I haven't been too bothered by symptoms. I get crazy hungry at times now, so I'm just trying to feed myself healthy things despite sudden desperate desired for junk food. My belly is getting in the way of things; I'm learning how to move about the world in a brand new body. Laying down, sitting up, running, bending over--everything is so strange and new. I'm still awaiting baby's movements. I think that I've been gaining weight successfully, though in itty bitty increments.

Friends have been so supportive in innumerable ways. We've started a collection of hand-me-downs: maternity clothes, baby things, books, tea, medicine... Friends have also been super helpful in pointing us in the right direction for (hopefully) buying a house soon. We even found out that two other friends are pregnant and due in the same month!

I have been doing a lot of soul searching amidst and pursuit of betterment. I'm in limbo right now. What kind of life do I want for myself in the near future? I'm closer to something that I had wanted. I'm finally working less and facing less stress in my life. Now, I want more purpose, I want to contribute more to my family, and I want to use my talents more. What does that point to?

NYR

New Year's Resolutions and Reflections

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17 Weeks and 6 Days

It's so hard to keep up with journaling when you're not paying close attention to your thoughts or what's going on around you. However, resolving to write a post made me pay more attention to the present in order to think about what I'll want to look back on in the future.

Today marks day 5(-ish) of being in San Diego, on our baby announcement tour. Sunday, we shared the news with Cat. Monday, we shared the news with Sam, the band friends and BC's parents. Tuesday, the cousins. Wednesday, BC's auntie on his dad's side and the rest of the fam on his mom's side (everyone who was at the party, anyway). Today will be Aizel and Jae. Friday, BC's high school friends. Saturday, Kris. Perhaps throughout the week, my coworkers. And finally on Saturday, our Bay Area friends (whoever comes to BC's birthday celebration).

I'm still trying to ground myself with every time that we share the news. People are asking me a lot of questions that make me feel like they are getting way ahead of where I want to be ("do you know the sex yet?", "natural or epidural?", "have you picked out a name?") as well as foreboding warnings of a stressful road ahead. These questions drive me crazy. I suppose no one has any idea how many times I've already fielded these questions by the time they ask me their question, so I try to give folks the benefit of the doubt.

My next step is trying to answer honestly rather than side-stepping questions that make me uncomfortable. I've been "told" (lectured, it felt like) that if I have a girl, that she will love her dad more. Umm... thanks... for the... warning? I listen to friends complain that having a girl is so much worse than having a boy because "girls are more expensive... you'll have to pay for her prom dress, for her to get hair nails and eyebrows done... boys are so much more laid back and easy!" Sure my mom took me with her to get her nails done, but I think she just wanted us to spend time together. I was never allowed to do my eyebrows growing up, I didn't care much (though I did get made fun of a lot for wearing my eyebrows natural, even by my supposed best friends). I am curious as to why the first question for many after our pregnancy announcement is "are you going to have a gender reveal party?" Are they wondering what the sex of the baby is? Are they curious about my stance on gender reveal parties? Are they looking for an invite? Why don't they ask about a plain old baby shower? In any case, I have side-stepped a lot of these questions, but I want to try answering more honestly from now on. No, we don't plan on telling anyone the sex of the baby before their birth. No, we will not have a sex reveal party. We haven't picked out a name yet. I don't know how I will give birth yet, how could I possibly know at the point? No, I'm not craving anything. My first trimester sucked ass, I was depressed, not eating, and lost 8 pounds. I found out I was pregnant because I took a pregnancy test, just as I had done every month at my scheduled time for the previous six months when we were trying to conceive and not conceiving. I will be very, extremely, over-the-moon whether we have a boy or a girl. We don't want to waste money on an influx of unnecessary, brand new baby things. We would love support from loved ones, but we much prefer help in the form of hand-me-downs or cash.

None of these things have been easy to say for me. BC reminded me that nobody is trying to be malicious, that they are just trying to express interest, and that some people may even just be asking questions that they're used to hearing others ask without thinking about the consequences of their questions. I'm trying to be patient while still expressing my views.

Oh, another thing. I really hate when people touch my belly (except BC). I feel so spineless for not saying anything. I supposed it hasn't quite come up enough that my disdain for it has surpassed my unwillingness to stick up for myself.

Cruising through my second semester (five weeks down, nine to go). From what I've read by other pregnant women, it's quite common to experience no symptoms in the second semester, to forget that you're pregnant, and to worry that you've lost the baby. This all does not mean that you've lost the baby. I'm trying to remind myself of this and also trying to be thankful and mindful of the fact that I don't have any negative symptoms right now.

Anyway, I think that's enough about this pregnancy.

- - -

10 years ago, I set new decade's resolutions. Did I meet them?

• Start a personal library

Yes! Goodness, my personal library is a bit out of control. My upcoming goal should probably be "read all the books in my library". Woven in there should also probably be a goal of culling my collection, but it's just so hard to let go. What books should I carry with me into my future? Who will read these books in the future if they stay on my shelf? What purpose do these books serve when they sit on my shelf?

• Work on a new wardrobe

This has happened naturally, out of necessity. Ten years ago, I was in my teaching credential program; I was 21 years old, fresh out of college, without any need to differentiate work-wear from play-wear, day from night, or weekend from weekday. Now, I have work clothes, workout clothes, weekend clothes, wedding clothes, clothes for traveling in tropical weather, clothes for hiking in cold weather, and finally, maternity clothes. I've tried to be mindful of quality and style along the way. My frugal nature has ensured that my shopping hasn't gotten away from me. So yes, mission accomplished.

• Get better at singing

Well, I don't really remember what I used to sound like, and looking back, this was a vague goal, but I will say that I am more confident in my singing now than I was before. I care less what others things, I realize that I have a unique voice (as we all do) that does not sound like any recording artist I know, and I have learned a lot about music in the past years by hanging around enough musicians. So yes, I think I've made some progress in this vague category.

• Become an avid writer

I went through periods of prolific writing and of lulls, but I'm happy with where I am. I will continue to write in the future.

• Win an award

Sooort of. I achieved an accomplishment that I am extremely proud of (getting a paper accepted to a conference in South Korea). That was fun. I should set out to do something like this again.

• Be able to understand a little bit of another language

Yes! Japanese! I had no idea that my life would head in that direction as of 2009 going into 2010, but from 2012-2014 I lived in and got accustomed to (more or less) life in the Japanese rural countryside. I also spent a couple of months (combined) studying and practicing Spanish in Peru and Spain in 2015-2016.

• Be married. Maybe. I don't know, never mind.

Yep. Married three and a half years now with one on the way. I thought that I wanted to get married after I turned 30. I ended up getting married when I was 28, going on 29, after five years of dating and four years of living together with BC. We could have waited a year or two, but in the end, it made so much more sense financially to close the deal. I was very surprised by my own eagerness to tie the knot; whereas I once craved an open-endedness to my future, I found myself yearning for steadiness and commitment while looking forward to a lifetime of adventure.

I figured that we would wait several (five?) years after getting married to start having children, but that changed as well. I thought that I wanted to fill our childless years with travel--and I did! We did! After last summer though, something inside of me just clicked. If I'm being honest, traveling was getting a bit stale. Something in my life was missing. I realized that I really wanted for us to start a family, even if it meant slowing down, pausing, or even stopping traveling altogether. Getting pregnant was not as easy as I thought it would be. I came to despise the incessant pressure by others asking why we didn't have kids yet. What a personal question to ask someone who you aren't having sex with, let alone planning to raise a child with. Each month that passed without conceiving when people were asking "where's the baby?" brought me down a little more. Is that due to a desire to please? For perfection? My discomfort with discussing sex? Or may it's not my problem at all, but everyone else's. So, consider this a PSA: stop asking people why they don't have a baby yet. They might not tell you to your face "I guess we're not having sex enough" or "We found out that we are infertile and have yet to save up thousands of dollars on our salaries for fertility treatments" or "I've already had three miscarriages and have gone through depression each time", but know that you might be breaking their heart anyway.

• Travel a lot... even if that includes not leaving the country much.

YES. In the past 10 years I travelled a lot, within and beyond the United States. I've been to nearly 50 countries (I've lost track), and over a dozen states. I've made so many friends, I've gained independence and confidence, and have a different perspective than I did ten years ago. I travelled on a budget, which allowed me to pay off my student loans, travel even more, and save up for my future. I did things that scared me, like go on excursions on my own, sky dive, paraglide, zip line, canyoneer,  summit many mountains, go backpacking, and swim with whale sharks. I've learned to live on minimal necessities in order to stay on the move. I learned about other cultures and intertwining histories, and thanks to that, am able to connect with many different people I meet from all over the globe. I am the person I am today thanks to my travels.

• Make sure that my sisters graduate from a respectable college and each have good jobs

I am so proud of who my sisters have become, though I can't say that I've had much of a hand in it. By the time I came back to the U.S. from my travels, K had finished college, and one year later, was working a stable, good job when N graduated as well. They have surpassed me professionally.

- - -

What next? Time for some new new decade resolutions.

• Have 3-4 kids
• Finish my M.A., finish the last half of my math credential, get nationally certified(?), continue to pick up other side gigs along the way (coaching? tutoring? research?), be in (finish?) a PhD program
• Be a homeowner
• Take my kids abroad
• Stay in shape by continuing to go to dance and yoga classes (and maybe spin class and maybe other forms of exercise that I've temporarily abandoned or have yet to discover)
• Start new traditions with my family: evenings, weekends, summer, birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year...
• Take my kids to the Philippines so that they will have the same relationship with their cousins and elders that I had with mine as a kid
• Keep up with hobbies that are just for fun without any end goal in mind--reading, needle work, writing, camping...

I think that'll do for now.

- - -

Reflections

What in the world happened in this past year? When I would try to reflect in 2019 with BC, my sisters, or with friends, again and again I'd be corrected: "that was in 2018!" or "that was two years ago!". Time is running away from me and out of control. What did I actually do this year?

Jan - Came back from Patagonia after having seen many parks, two countries, many, many airports, and a failed attempt at seeing penguins or Antarctica. Co-led a cooking class for students. Visiting SD to see friends and family, including going hiking and seeing a movie with Ate Kate. Celebrated BC's birthday at Original Pattern with many, many shiba inus.

Feb - Hosted a board game night at our place and attended Mills TTS reunion.

Mar - Attended a BMAS reunion jam at Angel & Ben's place in Alameda, hosted Edward, Kevin, and Ate Kate in the bay (on separate trips), and started weekly lake walks with Ash.

Apr - Philippines trip, including a trip to Cebu, with the family

May - Hosted Tin, caught up with Noey in the Bay, closed out my first year at HNHS, closed out my last semester of classes at SFSU, attended AIA grad

Jun - Summer trip to HI, bum around Orange County with my sister (lots of good eats), quick stop in SD for Julie & Adam's wedding, then back to Oakland for two short days

Jul - Euro-trip for five weeks with BC (met up with Aki), then with BC and Ate Kate, then solo, then with Nikki to the Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg, Germany, Poland, the Czech Republic, Hungary, and Croatia. Celebrated my birthday by treating myself to a multi-course dinner.

Aug - Started my new role as a part-timer, finally getting to repeat a prep, start consulting gig, celebrate Row's birthday as the Presidio, mourn with a friend over the loss of her loved one, hang out with Aki,

Sept - Camp at Angel Island, Lights Out Festival, try out a boxing class, trip to Salt Lake City for hiking, beautiful landscapes, food, and beer. Beginning meeting with research group, meet with Heather and eventually Alan to learn more about a PhD in education at Berkeley

Oct - Found out I'm pregnant, Cory's 1st birthday, met with Evie, trip to L.A. to support Edward for his half marathon in Long Beach, got diagnosed with perinatal depression, celebrated 8-year dating anniversary, dinner at Chez Pannise, shared the news with N

Nov - Celebrated N's birthday in the Bay with all the sibs (and shared the news with them), Thanksgiving in SD (shared the news with Ate Kate, Paul, and Edward, but otherwise fought to keep my mouth shut when hanging out with the in-laws, the extended family, and high school friends)

Dec - Tried out ClassPass: 3 different yoga studios, a spin class, dance class thrice a week for two weeks, first Centering Pregnancy class, got diagnosed with (benign(?)) hypothyroidism, gave final exams for the semester, HI trip (hung out with the sibs and their SOs, including Paul's surprise visit, and shared the new with mom and dad and extended family over video chat), SD trip (shared the news with SD friends, in-laws, and extended family), hung out with high school friends once again.

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That's all for now. Thanks for the memories, 2019. I'm ready for you, new decade.