21 Weeks flat

We've surpassed a major milestone: the 20-week ultrasound.

I've pushed myself to a lot of baby-preparation things in the two days since. I had been putting a lot of that off for a while. Folks have been asking me why I haven't bought my maternity matron of honor dress yet, why I hadn't booked my baby moon ticket yet, why I hadn't started thinking about my baby shower or baby registry yet... and I don't know. Something inside me wasn't ready for that.

I finally went in and talked to my therapist. Funny how anxiety feels like a crisis, but depression feels like... nothing. My doctor said that it's important that I'm sharing with him that I feel that way and that it can get better. I don't have to feel like this.

"At first, though, the invulnerability that accompanied the detachment was exhilarating. At least as exhilarating as something can be without involving real emotions." - Allie Brosh, Hyperbole and a Half

I wouldn't say I feel "better" after my appointment, but I am more informed. To that end, I'm keeping up with work and work outs. I'm making plans and making moves for future events. I invited family to come visit in February. BC and I booked our tickets to our happy place: Iceland. That'll be in March: only one month and one week from today. BC and I made a guest list and picked a theme for our SoCal baby shower to hand off to my besties (they are truly the best) and I'll book my ticket for SD tonight. That'll be in April. I'm gonna decide this weekend if I'll also attend her bachelorette party, which will be in April. I ordered my matron of honor dress; I have no idea what size I will be come the day of the wedding (or what state I'll be in), but I suppose I can improve and adjust as necessary. That'll be for May 29th. The baby is due June 5th. I've even gone shopping for myself. This sounds minuscule, but I didn't realize until buying these items that I had been putting off shopping because I truly felt like, "what's the point?". Now, I feel like the 'point' is to have clothes that will fit my new body and the body that I'm going to have in the coming months... or even years. I've started looking for baby things and am building our collection of random baby hand-me-downs. I've reached out to more and more friends to tell them the news. We're looking at houses this weekend, for move-in some time around when/after the baby is here.

I'm going through the motions as though yes, this is actually happening rather than "waiting to see".

So yeah... I'm making moves for future things. This is a step up from not even bothering to plan as far ahead as dinner time.

= = =

Physical updates: Baby is 13 oz., is probably about 10.5 inches in length, and so far totally on schedule for our June 5th due date. Everything is accounted for and looking healthy. Baby has a bright spot on his/her heart, which is a little nerve-racking, but somewhat common for babies of Asian descent. I think I've been feeling more activity in my belly lately, though it's still hard to tell *what* exactly I'm feeling. Like, are those kicks? Or indigestion?

Yoga and dance has been a god-send. Prenatal yoga has been helpful for being around other pregnant women of various due dates and lifestyles, for learning about my pregnant body, for having somewhere nice to go three times a week, and for what is essentially a cheap-o self-massage. Hip hop has been great for cardio, fun, music, and meeting people outside of my friend/family/coworker/student circle.

Spicy food has been no fun. Baby seems to love sweet and salty. I thought that my childhood days of candy and milk chocolate were long gone as my palette switched to beer, black coffee, and dark chocolate, but baby does not like bitter things at all. Nothing seems to be sweet enough! I would eat french fries and burgers all day every day if I could. My body seems to be rejecting my usual favorites, like spicy ramen. Baby loves bland, greasy, hot, salty, and sweet. I'm trying to trick my body into eating sweet popsicles and fruit rather than candy and hot, salted veggies and grains rather than fries and bread. I've switched to sweet protein bars (cookies and cream flavored) rather than my usual morning bowl of oatmeal because what once tasted refreshing and just-sweet-enough now tastes like horse feed.

I get winded more easily now. Finding a comfortable and safe sleeping position is confusing, but since I ain't trippin one way or another about getting enough sleep, I haven't minded just lying there in bed until I finally catch a few hours of sleep. Work has been easy enough (and perhaps not enough of a priority) that I don't *need* a full night's worth of sleep to function. I just go about my day at half-charge, I don't mind.

Anyway, my next moves is to get a little ahead in work, to clean and organize the apartment, and to continue thrifting for baby items. Even though it feels hard to prepare for baby, it feels familiar to dive into consumer-savvy practices, like looking for free and re-useable resources. That's fun enough :)