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17 Weeks and 6 Days
It's so hard to keep up with journaling when you're not paying close attention to your thoughts or what's going on around you. However, resolving to write a post made me pay more attention to the present in order to think about what I'll want to look back on in the future.
Today marks day 5(-ish) of being in San Diego, on our baby announcement tour. Sunday, we shared the news with Cat. Monday, we shared the news with Sam, the band friends and BC's parents. Tuesday, the cousins. Wednesday, BC's auntie on his dad's side and the rest of the fam on his mom's side (everyone who was at the party, anyway). Today will be Aizel and Jae. Friday, BC's high school friends. Saturday, Kris. Perhaps throughout the week, my coworkers. And finally on Saturday, our Bay Area friends (whoever comes to BC's birthday celebration).
I'm still trying to ground myself with every time that we share the news. People are asking me a lot of questions that make me feel like they are getting way ahead of where I want to be ("do you know the sex yet?", "natural or epidural?", "have you picked out a name?") as well as foreboding warnings of a stressful road ahead. These questions drive me crazy. I suppose no one has any idea how many times I've already fielded these questions by the time they ask me their question, so I try to give folks the benefit of the doubt.
My next step is trying to answer honestly rather than side-stepping questions that make me uncomfortable. I've been "told" (lectured, it felt like) that if I have a girl, that she will love her dad more. Umm... thanks... for the... warning? I listen to friends complain that having a girl is so much worse than having a boy because "girls are more expensive... you'll have to pay for her prom dress, for her to get hair nails and eyebrows done... boys are so much more laid back and easy!" Sure my mom took me with her to get her nails done, but I think she just wanted us to spend time together. I was never allowed to do my eyebrows growing up, I didn't care much (though I did get made fun of a lot for wearing my eyebrows natural, even by my supposed best friends). I am curious as to why the first question for many after our pregnancy announcement is "are you going to have a gender reveal party?" Are they wondering what the sex of the baby is? Are they curious about my stance on gender reveal parties? Are they looking for an invite? Why don't they ask about a plain old baby shower? In any case, I have side-stepped a lot of these questions, but I want to try answering more honestly from now on. No, we don't plan on telling anyone the sex of the baby before their birth. No, we will not have a sex reveal party. We haven't picked out a name yet. I don't know how I will give birth yet, how could I possibly know at the point? No, I'm not craving anything. My first trimester sucked ass, I was depressed, not eating, and lost 8 pounds. I found out I was pregnant because I took a pregnancy test, just as I had done every month at my scheduled time for the previous six months when we were trying to conceive and not conceiving. I will be very, extremely, over-the-moon whether we have a boy or a girl. We don't want to waste money on an influx of unnecessary, brand new baby things. We would love support from loved ones, but we much prefer help in the form of hand-me-downs or cash.
None of these things have been easy to say for me. BC reminded me that nobody is trying to be malicious, that they are just trying to express interest, and that some people may even just be asking questions that they're used to hearing others ask without thinking about the consequences of their questions. I'm trying to be patient while still expressing my views.
Oh, another thing. I really hate when people touch my belly (except BC). I feel so spineless for not saying anything. I supposed it hasn't quite come up enough that my disdain for it has surpassed my unwillingness to stick up for myself.
Cruising through my second semester (five weeks down, nine to go). From what I've read by other pregnant women, it's quite common to experience no symptoms in the second semester, to forget that you're pregnant, and to worry that you've lost the baby. This all does not mean that you've lost the baby. I'm trying to remind myself of this and also trying to be thankful and mindful of the fact that I don't have any negative symptoms right now.
Anyway, I think that's enough about this pregnancy.
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10 years ago, I set new decade's resolutions. Did I meet them?
Yes! Goodness, my personal library is a bit out of control. My upcoming goal should probably be "read all the books in my library". Woven in there should also probably be a goal of culling my collection, but it's just so hard to let go. What books should I carry with me into my future? Who will read these books in the future if they stay on my shelf? What purpose do these books serve when they sit on my shelf?
- Start a personal library
This has happened naturally, out of necessity. Ten years ago, I was in my teaching credential program; I was 21 years old, fresh out of college, without any need to differentiate work-wear from play-wear, day from night, or weekend from weekday. Now, I have work clothes, workout clothes, weekend clothes, wedding clothes, clothes for traveling in tropical weather, clothes for hiking in cold weather, and finally, maternity clothes. I've tried to be mindful of quality and style along the way. My frugal nature has ensured that my shopping hasn't gotten away from me. So yes, mission accomplished.
- Work on a new wardrobe
Well, I don't really remember what I used to sound like, and looking back, this was a vague goal, but I will say that I am more confident in my singing now than I was before. I care less what others things, I realize that I have a unique voice (as we all do) that does not sound like any recording artist I know, and I have learned a lot about music in the past years by hanging around enough musicians. So yes, I think I've made some progress in this vague category.
- Get better at singing
I went through periods of prolific writing and of lulls, but I'm happy with where I am. I will continue to write in the future.
- Become an avid writer
Sooort of. I achieved an accomplishment that I am extremely proud of (getting a paper accepted to a conference in South Korea). That was fun. I should set out to do something like this again.
- Win an award
Yes! Japanese! I had no idea that my life would head in that direction as of 2009 going into 2010, but from 2012-2014 I lived in and got accustomed to (more or less) life in the Japanese rural countryside. I also spent a couple of months (combined) studying and practicing Spanish in Peru and Spain in 2015-2016.
- Be able to understand a little bit of another language
Yep. Married three and a half years now with one on the way. I thought that I wanted to get married after I turned 30. I ended up getting married when I was 28, going on 29, after five years of dating and four years of living together with BC. We could have waited a year or two, but in the end, it made so much more sense financially to close the deal. I was very surprised by my own eagerness to tie the knot; whereas I once craved an open-endedness to my future, I found myself yearning for steadiness and commitment while looking forward to a lifetime of adventure.
- Be married. Maybe. I don't know, never mind.
I figured that we would wait several (five?) years after getting married to start having children, but that changed as well. I thought that I wanted to fill our childless years with travel--and I did! We did! After last summer though, something inside of me just clicked. If I'm being honest, traveling was getting a bit stale. Something in my life was missing. I realized that I really wanted for us to start a family, even if it meant slowing down, pausing, or even stopping traveling altogether. Getting pregnant was not as easy as I thought it would be. I came to despise the incessant pressure by others asking why we didn't have kids yet. What a personal question to ask someone who you aren't having sex with, let alone planning to raise a child with. Each month that passed without conceiving when people were asking "where's the baby?" brought me down a little more. Is that due to a desire to please? For perfection? My discomfort with discussing sex? Or may it's not my problem at all, but everyone else's. So, consider this a PSA: stop asking people why they don't have a baby yet. They might not tell you to your face "I guess we're not having sex enough" or "We found out that we are infertile and have yet to save up thousands of dollars on our salaries for fertility treatments" or "I've already had three miscarriages and have gone through depression each time", but know that you might be breaking their heart anyway.
YES. In the past 10 years I travelled a lot, within and beyond the United States. I've been to nearly 50 countries (I've lost track), and over a dozen states. I've made so many friends, I've gained independence and confidence, and have a different perspective than I did ten years ago. I travelled on a budget, which allowed me to pay off my student loans, travel even more, and save up for my future. I did things that scared me, like go on excursions on my own, sky dive, paraglide, zip line, canyoneer, summit many mountains, go backpacking, and swim with whale sharks. I've learned to live on minimal necessities in order to stay on the move. I learned about other cultures and intertwining histories, and thanks to that, am able to connect with many different people I meet from all over the globe. I am the person I am today thanks to my travels.
- Travel a lot... even if that includes not leaving the country much.
I am so proud of who my sisters have become, though I can't say that I've had much of a hand in it. By the time I came back to the U.S. from my travels, K had finished college, and one year later, was working a stable, good job when N graduated as well. They have surpassed me professionally.
- Make sure that my sisters graduate from a respectable college and each have good jobs
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What next? Time for some new new decade resolutions.
- Have 3-4 kids
- Finish my M.A., finish the last half of my math credential, get nationally certified(?), continue to pick up other side gigs along the way (coaching? tutoring? research?), be in (finish?) a PhD program
- Be a homeowner
- Take my kids abroad
- Stay in shape by continuing to go to dance and yoga classes (and maybe spin class and maybe other forms of exercise that I've temporarily abandoned or have yet to discover)
- Start new traditions with my family: evenings, weekends, summer, birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year...
- Take my kids to the Philippines so that they will have the same relationship with their cousins and elders that I had with mine as a kid
- Keep up with hobbies that are just for fun without any end goal in mind--reading, needle work, writing, camping...
I think that'll do for now.
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Reflections
What in the world happened in this past year? When I would try to reflect in 2019 with BC, my sisters, or with friends, again and again I'd be corrected: "that was in 2018!" or "that was two years ago!". Time is running away from me and out of control. What did I actually do this year?
Jan - Came back from Patagonia after having seen many parks, two countries, many, many airports, and a failed attempt at seeing penguins or Antarctica. Co-led a cooking class for students. Visiting SD to see friends and family, including going hiking and seeing a movie with Ate Kate. Celebrated BC's birthday at Original Pattern with many, many shiba inus.
Feb - Hosted a board game night at our place and attended Mills TTS reunion.
Mar - Attended a BMAS reunion jam at Angel & Ben's place in Alameda, hosted Edward, Kevin, and Ate Kate in the bay (on separate trips), and started weekly lake walks with Ash.
Apr - Philippines trip, including a trip to Cebu, with the family
May - Hosted Tin, caught up with Noey in the Bay, closed out my first year at HNHS, closed out my last semester of classes at SFSU, attended AIA grad
Jun - Summer trip to HI, bum around Orange County with my sister (lots of good eats), quick stop in SD for Julie & Adam's wedding, then back to Oakland for two short days
Jul - Euro-trip for five weeks with BC (met up with Aki), then with BC and Ate Kate, then solo, then with Nikki to the Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg, Germany, Poland, the Czech Republic, Hungary, and Croatia. Celebrated my birthday by treating myself to a multi-course dinner.
Aug - Started my new role as a part-timer, finally getting to repeat a prep, start consulting gig, celebrate Row's birthday as the Presidio, mourn with a friend over the loss of her loved one, hang out with Aki,
Sept - Camp at Angel Island, Lights Out Festival, try out a boxing class, trip to Salt Lake City for hiking, beautiful landscapes, food, and beer. Beginning meeting with research group, meet with Heather and eventually Alan to learn more about a PhD in education at Berkeley
Oct - Found out I'm pregnant, Cory's 1st birthday, met with Evie, trip to L.A. to support Edward for his half marathon in Long Beach, got diagnosed with perinatal depression, celebrated 8-year dating anniversary, dinner at Chez Pannise, shared the news with N
Nov - Celebrated N's birthday in the Bay with all the sibs (and shared the news with them), Thanksgiving in SD (shared the news with Ate Kate, Paul, and Edward, but otherwise fought to keep my mouth shut when hanging out with the in-laws, the extended family, and high school friends)
Dec - Tried out ClassPass: 3 different yoga studios, a spin class, dance class thrice a week for two weeks, first Centering Pregnancy class, got diagnosed with (benign(?)) hypothyroidism, gave final exams for the semester, HI trip (hung out with the sibs and their SOs, including Paul's surprise visit, and shared the new with mom and dad and extended family over video chat), SD trip (shared the news with SD friends, in-laws, and extended family), hung out with high school friends once again.
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That's all for now. Thanks for the memories, 2019. I'm ready for you, new decade.
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