2018/11/19

Inevitable

Here is my third attempt to write an honest reflection.

"I feel like death for one of us, or for someone I love, is right over my shoulder. I'm finding it hard to dream big or plan for our future. I'm afraid that hoping for one thing and having it be taken away will crush me. Maybe I should just take life one day at a time and see how far I can go." -me.

"I've accepted that you and I are going to die one day. But we can't live our lives just waiting for death. That's not living. If I die and I don't meet my goals--that doesn't mean the pursuit wasn't worth it." -b.c.

I've learned that dread is part of trauma, anxiety, and panic. Worried thoughts are irrational, but the feelings that come with them are too real to shake.

I've learned that allowing oneself to feel, process, and accept these feelings enables us to move on.

I dream big because it reenergizes me, it keeps me moving when I get discouraged by tough times, and because it's fun. I used to see goal-setting and the 'chase' as an attempt to "win at life!", air quotes and exclamation point included. Death after death after death after death after death has erased that notion from my outlook. There's no winning and losing at life before death. There's only life.

I'm going to focus on joy, humanity, love, gratitude, and betterment. I can still pursue my goals, but not without these five pillars.

Joy. I once believed that joy was attaining your goals. Turns out, I was chasing a carrot on a stick but stuck on a hamster wheel. When I was in high school, I needed to get into a good college. When I was in college, I needed to survive my classes. Then I needed to get a job. Then I needed to excel at my job. I suppose I was reaching my goals along the way, but why didn't joy magically appear with each Level Up?

Attaining my goals could lead to joy, but not automatically. Not attaining my goals can also lead to joy, depending on where I'm putting my focus.

Where have I found joy in the past? Friends visiting us in our little town in Japan, family gatherings with significant others, long runs, writing, sinking my teeth into a good book, feeling pretty after assembling a cute outfit/doing my make up/getting my hair or nails done, getting massages, going to the Christina Aguilera concert (solo! up close and personal!), wandering foreign cities, lazy evenings cuddling on the couch, and the onset of vacations when I have an entire 3-day weekend/week/2 months stretching ahead of me with few responsibilities. Whether I die today, tomorrow, one month from now, or 90 years from now; whether I progress in my career or not; whether I have 4 children one day, no children, or have children but am met by tragedy; these moments of joy comprise each tile in the inevitable mosaic of my life.

Humanity. For so long, I've lived my life trying to figure out the rules of life. Obey your parents, get good grades, get a stable job, climb high up whatever ladder (education, career), do extremely well at your job, eat well, be fit, raise a family on day, maybe buy a house, do no harm. I thought that everyone in the world was operating under one universal recipe on the correct way to Live Your Life to the Fullest.

My recent reading list has provided some insight on why that assumption is utterly and completely wrong. These books include: Gwan Anthology, The Bread of Salt and Other Stories, The Arrival, America is Not the Heart, First They Killed My Father: A Daughter of Cambodia Remembers, Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood and the Story of Return, Notorious RBG: The Life and Times of Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and The Best We Could Do, The Sun is Also a Star, and Pachinko. I'm in awe of the women in these stories and memoirs who fought to survive in seemingly hopeless situations. They didn't grow up in the bubble and safety of surburbia with only dreams to do thing the Right Way and just generally try not to mess things up. No, these women forged paths for themselves in unwelcoming environments in the face of authorities who did not value their power or intellect.

What lesson can I take from this? For starters, I want to shed the notion that there is a right way to teach and that if I'm not teaching the right way, then I am a bad teacher. I want to forge my own path. I want to shed the notion that I must look at the furthest that a path can take me and go there only. I want to grow myself radially, not linearly. I can learn from others, but I need not follow their paths.

Love. If all I ever accomplish in life is showing love to the people that mean most to me, then already I'll have lived a life worth living. I used to throw my entire being in dream-chasing. I took living under one roof with my family for granted. I often wake up thinking of work, get home late from work/school, have dinner separately from BC and my sister, prepare for the next day, sleep, and do it all over again. I often forget to make time to connect with my loved ones. The holidays are a good time to take a break from the grind and spend time with one another, but it doesn't have to be the only time. I can call loved ones more frequently. I can have meaningful conversations at home in the evening. I can make plans to have meals with loved ones (everyone's gotta eat, right?) and go for hikes/runs/walks with friends and family.

Gratitude. I can either live my life continually wishing for something else, or I can live my life noticing what I have. I've noticed that for me personally, it's less about what I have and more about how I feel about having the thing that I have. Sometimes, I thank God. Sometimes, I verbally appreciate a person in my life. Other times, I just notice and feel grateful. Today, I am grateful for a warm and cozy home in San Diego, for family in San Diego, for the relationships I've nurtured throughout my life so that I can still call upon those people 15-30 years later, for Thanksgiving break, for adobada tacos, and for Brian.

Betterment. OK, I've said over and over again that it's not about the goals. And it's not. But that doesn't mean that I want to stop learning and growing completely. It feels good to feel like I'm going somewhere in life. It's less about the degrees and more about what I learn in my classes. It's not about the number of years spent teaching, it's about how I spent that time with my students. It's not about the checking cities off of my bucket list, it's about the experiences I had while there. Every day, I want to be able to rest my head on my pillow and know that I took a step in the right direction that day--whether it be in my relationships, career, health, or in a hobby.

Perhaps next year, instead of NYR, I'll focus on these tenets. Then, rather than fearing a life cut short, I'll bask in having lived a fulfilled life.

2018/11/16

Biting Bullets

Here's my second attempt to write an honest reflection.

It took me five months to hit 'publish' on my last birthday post. I didn't bother writing a NYR post this year. Those are usually the two posts per year that I look forward to the most. As a 'goal-oriented person' (as my mom calls me), I always looked forward to the new year because it was a perfect time to look forward and ask, "what next? I'm so excited!" My birthday conveniently comes a half year later, when I'm able to look at the my progress in the year so far and even reflect back to my previous birthday.

In between, I would write and ramble about damn near anything because it felt good to express myself, to get my thoughts on "paper", to turn over every rock in every corner of my mind, to understand myself better, to create an identity for myself, and hey, maybe even flaunt myself a bit for whomever was out there reading my blog.

Then... 2018 hit me like a truck. Or did it? Maybe my bucket was filling over the years. Maybe I was walking around with a full bucket for decades. I'm not sure. I do know that whereas I used to write in a journal every single night before bed, I suddenly stopped. Whereas I used to relish in times that I could hole up in the apartment and blog for hours, I abandoned self-reflective writing completely. I didn't want to face my thoughts any more. I didn't want to relive my days. I wanted to forget whatever happened that day. I woke up thinking, "I can't wait to go back to bed tonight." I drove to work thinking, "let's get this over with." I ended my evenings with replies to "how was your day?" with "I don't know, I don't remember."

Doctors, therapy, self care, leaning on an empathetic audience, a change of environment, cutting toxicity out of my life have been ladders out of a deep pit. To say that I'm seeing the light would be an overstatement; disillusionment is keeping my light dim.

I'm planting seeds of productive thoughtlines in my psyche. I'm processing grief and the reality of loss and death. I'm confronting the humanity of mortality and the fear of loss and grief and death.

How was I once so goal driven? I believed anything and everything was possible. I believed that I had a whole lifetime on earth--and that my loved ones has whole lifetimes on earth--to live out our dreams. There were absolutely no "but what if..?"'s. Whatever I wanted, I set out to attain it.

I'm brave enough to admit that I have dreamer's block right now. I want to type out my dreams like I once did, but would I be setting myself up for heart crushing disappointment? If I hold no expectations, then perhaps I would only be met with tempered, pleasant surprise as one day leads to another and another. I try to pretend that my future is open and limitless, like I once believed, but I retract with fear that it will can all be taken away with one catastrophic swipe. A missed stop sign. A stray bullet. A careless, fleeting moment.


2018/09/28

It’s time to pray.

Pray for his soul; the young, 18-year-old soul that experience too much, yet not enough of life at all. It’s time to pray for his family, that they will find solace and and endless support.
It’s time to pray for our community, who will be affected for years to come, as we are every time we lose another young person from our community.

It’s time to pray... again.

Our children are strong, but they and we are all so fragile.
My heart breaks for him, them, us.

2018/07/22

Life Lessons Learned in my 30th Year of Life

This was a rough year. Let the record show that the latter half of my 30th year of life was psychologically, emotionally, and eventually physically draining. I started going to therapy, I was a wreck, I stopped doing things that brought me comfort or joy and instead scrambled to find ways to survive. I went to the hospital many times. I gained weight. I felt distant from the people closest to me. I was always on edge. I felt helpless and hopeless.

I won't go into the "why" of it all here.

Without further ado, a list:

Life Lessons Learned in my 30th Year of Life

1. Panic attacks suck, a lot, but they are surmountable.

2. I am really good at what I do, I'm smart, and I am continually growing. I won't always get credit for that from people whose approval I misguidedly seek, but no matter--I have loads of experience and my heart is in the right place, so here I march to victory.

3. I won't ever be the best at one thing and I don't have one calling in life. I have many varied interests and it's less important that I become an expert at anything and more important that I commit to a few things and see how far I can take it. For me, these things have been teaching, writing, running, traveling, and reading. I'm no longer trying to become a fast runner, a rock star teacher, an award-winning author, a travel writer, or a critic or editor for some publishing company. I'm just trying to make sure that I am doing one of the above and that I learn some things along the way.

4. Sometimes, I just need to turn my brain off. I over think social situations, I'm self conscious, I'm critical to a fault, I expect the worst and plan every minute detail. And yet, in my most mentally fatigued moments when I was too dead tired to think anymore, life found a way to pleasantly work out for the better. Turning my the chatter in my head down is much easier said than done, but I'm learning to cope.

 5. Loved ones are all that matter in life. Few of us leave a legacy postmortem. Reputation and public image are fickle. Goals and dreams are fun, but reaching them doesn't matter if you don't have your loved ones by your side in the end. What's most important is to relish the time spent with loved ones today and every day and to keep your heart open to new friends that life sends your way.

6. Mental health and self care can easily fall by the wayside, yet no one else can take charge besides yourself--so take care of your damn self. What's the point in pursuing your dreams if you're not fulfilled content along the way? Ambition is tricky because desire with pleasure is heaven, but desire without pleasure is hell. Stay hungry, but don't turn yourself into a martyr by starving to death.

7. Act braver than you are. Do what someone braver and smarter than you would do. For me, this year, that's meant traveling solo, joining social functions in which I don't know a single soul, going to group therapy, teaching, sharing my writing with others (to be critiqued!), and beginning the next chapter of my life.

8. Some people really, really suck, and OK, maybe they have their own story and have their own good intentions and you don't have it all figured out, but you don't need to give everyone the time of day to figure them out so that they don't suck in your head any more. Just move on.

9. Just because someone is talking, doesn't mean they have any idea what they're talking about. I read a great book about imposter syndrome called The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women by Valerie Young. I learned about all the ways that I experience imposter syndrome--I second-guess my decisions, I always assume that I am the least experienced person in the room without much to offer, I attempt to compensate by my perceived lack of competence with hard work, research, and planning, I analyze and accept as truth every critique of my own work, and I just generally think I do a crap job at anything I attempt... however, after reading her book, I started to realize 1) I am more competent than I think and 2) not everyone around me is as competent as they want me to think.

Here's to a new decade.


2018/06/15

I don’t always believe in God, but I’m starting to believe in dead friends watching over you. We wanted to get married on Saturday, June 25th, 2016 but our friend and photographer, Mark Andrew, had another wedding booked on that day. With the big day being a year and a season away, we were able to move the date. We wouldn’t budge on location, though. Iceland was our paradise. Brian, Mark Andrew, and our two friends, Edward and Kevin braved weather winter storms, made friends with locals, scared each other silly at a witchcraft museum, had a run in with the cops, stripped down to our skivvies on a glacier, and experienced a marriage proposal under the neon green northern lights. Well, I experienced a marriage proposal. Brian proposed. Mark Andrew, Edward, and Kevin bore witness.

Six weeks after our little crew braved a snowstorm on a mountainside of a foreign country halfway around the world, the story goes that Mark Andrew was skateboarding on his street in sunny San Diego, a hobby that he’s done for years, looking for his dog. There’s a gap in the story at this point. The next piece of the story goes that a neighbor saw Mark Andrew on the ground and called the ambulance. He had a head injury of some sort…? I remember hearing that he had 1% brain activity. “Oh good,” I thought, “so there’s still a chance.” I didn’t know that 1% brain activity meant that there is no chance.

2018/06/01

Sometimes I still wonder if I have something in me that just causes me to get irrationally depressed. For example, today, I literally burst into sobs while standing over the stove, failing at popping popcorn.

I'm not PMSing. I'm not pregnant. I didn't have a bad day at work. Something just came over me.

Granted, I'm getting better at trying to take care of all the little things "around" what can get me to a bad space. I make sure I'm not hungry, dehydrated, tired, cold, hot... or rather, if I am one of those things, I chalk up my bad mood to one of those things and try to address it as best I can. If I can't address it, I cut myself some slack and kind of zone out until that need can be met. I try to go with the flow, knowing that I'm not at the top of my game.

I know about myself that I need time to be by myself and just... think. Kind of like what I'm doing now. In fact, I need time to settle down from the day and get to this place. Today, that meant going home, having a snack, making myself some tea, tidying up around the house, and then finally settling into my room and opening my laptop.

I'm so happy and grateful that I have the time to do this. I'm so happy and grateful that I gave myself the time today to do this. I'm so happy and grateful that I know how to take care of myself and that I do.

I heard in a podcast the other day something to the effect of: too often, we go through are day just not trying to knock into too many walls. We don't realize that we put those walls up ourself. In fact, we don't realize, that there are no walls. What would we do if instead of trying not to knock into walls, we pushed beyond what we thought was possible?

Counting blessings:

I'm grateful for Brian and Nikki and Tin and my parents and their SOs and my extended family because we support each other through thick and thin and we move as one unit. We all are kind and loving and have similar interests and make the effort to spend time with one another.

I'm grateful for our apartment because Bay Area housing is expensive and we lucked out on a nice place that is affordable and in an area where we want to live.

I'm grateful to be gainfully employed because with that employment, I'm able to afford to eat, live, and treat myself to small pleasures.

I'm grateful to have fulfilling job which allows me to serve people. I'm grateful that I'm able to use my skills and talents and brain and creativity in my job. I'm grateful that my unique abilities are needed and appreciated.

~The Life I Love Living~


2018/05/30

Progress

What have I learned?

Anxiety is normal, healthy, and necessary.
Anxiety and panic disorder is the fear of said anxiety.
To hope for health does not mean to hope never to feel anxious again.

Anxiety shouldn't go away and neither should the things that currently make me anxious. Instead, I can learn how to deal with anxiety as it comes and I can learn take on a new perspective with the things that make me anxious. This is my path to good health.

Cheers.

2018/05/18

Tailspin

I know that I need to do something restorative--I know this with my mind, but my body disagrees. I feel empty and withdrawn.

I'm so tired.

I'm feeling beaten down. I'm not performing at my best because I don't have enough left to give. Then, I feel crappy about doing a crappy job. Then, I have to face the consequences of doing a crappy job.

A student asked me today, "do you ever smile?"

Damn.

I'm on a tailspin right now. What am I doing? What's it all for? I try to hold high standards, and then I lose kids along the way. I try to offer supports everywhere necessary, and then I burn myself out. I build and rely on routine to make my job easier, to make class run smoother, and to have clear expectations, but youth (and I) get bored of the monotony. I try to mix it up and do something new, and then I face revolt and confusion and spend way too much time shopping for materials, managing materials, and wondering what to do with the aftermath of the chaos.

In my first year, I faced more hardships but had more optimism. Now, at the end of my fourth year, I wonder where I'm going with all this. I want to teach well, and I teach better now than I did back then, but I want to teach even better. That said, I don't want to work this hard anymore. I work all day Sunday and many evenings until 11pm--and those are the easier hours. The school day itself feels ridden with lost battles.

I love my kids. So much. I want them to have a better teacher than me. I want to be better. I'm not going to get better at this rate... I'm only becoming bitter.

This is why I'm starting a new chapter. I'm leaving not with my tail between my legs, but with my head held high. I'm re-sparking my curiosity and am in search of a little more optimism.

2018/03/22

It's Thursday.

Today, I:
-overslept
-took an extra 5 minutes to make myself look pretty anyway
-tied up loose ends at work with my students after my two days of absence (I was touched that so many were happy to have me back; I was surprised at how much easier it was to teach than I had built up in my head over two days of absence)
-worked through my break to help some students
-worked through my lunch to meet with a colleague
-zoomed off to interview #3
-then zoomed off to interview #4
-then zoomed off to my tutoring job

...then, 12 hours later, arrived home.

And now it's time to do homework.

= = = =

God, the universe, my body, or something else is telling me to slow down. I'm getting many, many, many messages that I need to slow down. The most recent of which is this weird cough that I've had for 6 weeks now. It started as nausea, then a fever for 5 days, then diarrhea for 4 days, then a cough that just would not let up. Finally, I started having chest pains of some sort... not sure if it's a muscle strain from all the coughing, or a busted rib from all the coughing, or something else.

In the past month, I've called the doctor 4 times. Finally, on the last time, the doctor wrote me a prescription for a host of drugs... and a doctor's note to stay home for two days from work. Next week, I'm supposed to call (again) if symptoms persist in order for them to "check out my lungs".

OK, so all this, plus psychiatric appointments...

= = =

The people whose opinions I trust most tell me that I owe it to myself to slow down. Striving does not have to equate struggling or suffering. It's time to hit the breaks.

= = =

Today, I felt confident in myself for the first time in a long time. I knew that I would have a lot to do today and I didn't fell 100% prepared for any of it. But then, I figured, what do I have to lose? My students will be happy to have their teacher back, someone know they know and trust. After years and years of teaching, my worst teaching day with them is actually quite good. My meeting required no prep on my part--sure, I was nervous about being evaluated/judged/critiqued... but I mentally prepared myself to face the worst and reassured myself that no matter what's said, I know that I'm a decent teacher, regardless of what a boss or supervisor says or believes from the snippets of my teaching that is seen. I wanted to make a good impression at my two interviews today, but I realized there wasn't really anything I could do to prepare for it; all I could do is show up, be friendly, be curious, and try to glean as much information on each school as possible. Finally, for my tutoring session, I was nervous about being called out for not knowing my content (because I hadn't studied up on the content first), but I figured I'd just face the music if it came to that because, welp, I didn't have time to prepare.

AND LOOK! I got through it all. With some charm, even.

= = =

I love that my closest friends have been telling me that I "can" take a break from teaching next year. That is, they're not necessarily telling me that I should, they're just assuring me that if I do:

  1. the world will not end
  2. teaching will always be there
  3. my taking a break (or even leaving) is not a reflection on me as a person or on me as a teacher
  4. there are many ways to continue teaching in capacities different from what I do now
  5. if I choose to take up something else entirely, my years of experience up to this point was not all for nothing... the pieces of my life puzzle will all fit together and make sense later.
= = =

Is it ridiculously and out of this world crazy that I've recently had a pull in my heart to pursue writing? What would it even look like to "pursue" writing? Where would I put my writing? Who can I chat with about writing? What do writers' days (or nights) look like?

= = =

That's me right now. 'Til next time.


2018/03/09

It's Friday.

In re-reading old blog posts, one lesson my past self has taught me is: after weeks and weeks of inner turmoil, self doubt, and general fatigue, sit in silence, binge on popcorn and chocolate, and write.

So, here I am. Sponsored by Trader Joe's.

What am I doubting?

I'll get back to that.

What am I sure of?

I'm tired to my damn bones. I'm fed up. I'm burnt out. I want more time to read and write. I want more time to exercise. I want more time to spend on my marriage. I love reading and writing. I love learning. I love connecting with people who share my aspirations. I need to feel valued for what I have to offer. I've loved seeing my youth develop into mature young adults. I love routine and predictability and security and safety and coziness and organization, but I also love nuance, adventure, and new experiences. I need a change.

OK. So what am I doubting?

Do I love teaching... or am I simply deluded with an insatiable desire to want to be a "good" teacher without the self-confidence to ever actually one day believe that I am? What added value have I provided for my youth? Should I be a teacher? What does "should" mean? Why should I be a teacher? What does it mean to live a fulfilled life? When I strive to achieve, am I happy, or do I just think I'll be happy once I've achieved it?

= = =

What's new?

2018 thus far has been a mish-mash/large serving/deep dive into life coaching, therapy, and self-help books and workbooks and podcasts. My inner compass has been madly spinning as though my head and heart were in alternate dimensions while my body continued to stumble through life on Earth.

I've been re-orienting and re-centering. Here's what's stuck so far (my apologies for not attributing work to proper authors... I'm lazy and I don't want to lose my train of thought):

  • "Liking without wanting is heaven, but wanting without liking is hell."
  • How we experience life, in sum, is not necessarily based on what we do or how we spend our time; it's about our state of mind in every minute of every day. When we operate throughout our day, is our mind cluttered with problems to solve and challenges that are bringing us down, or is it focused on the good that's ever-present? As I sit here, on my couch, on a Friday night after many, many, many hard weeks, where is my mind? If I think about demands at work, my students, my part time job, my grad program, doctors appointments, my health, and on and on... my body becomes tense, I'm worried, I'm drained, my thoughts and my life is consumed. On the other hand, if instead I choose to notice how the hum of the refrigerator has stopped and I'm met with near complete-silence besides the hum of the freeway, and notice the soft couch cushion on my back, and notice the open expanse of a Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday ahead of me, and look forward to BC coming home from work, and look forward to our yummy dinner that he and my sister prepared the night before... then my muscles loosen, my body sinks deeper into my chair, the muscles in my face soften, my heart rate slows, and I remember that I am safe, I am cared for, I am content, and the universe has given me everything that I need. If life is nothing but the sum total of how we've experienced it, then how are we experiencing it? In a state of angst and anxiety or in a state of gratitude and contentment?
  • In the end, literally nobody is paying attention to how I choose to spend the hours of my day or what I do to earn money. Even if they are paying attention, it doesn't matter. So who am I trying to impress? What if I lived my life without any intention of impressing anybody? What would I do differently?
  • I've poured my heart into everything that I do not because that's who I am but because I've carefully selected the things that I do and the way that I spend my time. That being said, when you pour your heart into what you do, you're bound to get burned. When you falter, you question your competence and choice to expend so much time and energy. This has been true for me with teaching. It may be true for me with writing, in the future. Am I ready to pour my heart into a new realm where I will get torn apart by others? Will I have the confidence in myself to push forward? 
= = =

It's now an hour later. I've binged, drank hot soup, written, and even forced myself to cry by watching sappy, guaranteed tear-jerker YouTube videos. Nearly all my guilty pleasures have been accounted for. Last one on the list is disappearing into a book, so off I go.

'Til next time.

2018/02/25

A Letter to Heal My Inner Child

I've done this before, but my present self needs to do this exercise again. This time, my present self needs me need to dig deeper.

Dear inner child,

You are 16 going on 17. You have spent many sleepless nights riddled with anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or just burning the midnight oil grinding and working. You're stressed out. You have huge goals in mind. You have people whom you want to please. You need to hear from me.

You are working at 200%. You don't know your worth and you don't pause for accolades. Remember that book your wrote? The collection of short stories? It was good. It made your mom cry (in a good way). Where is it now?  Take pride in your writing. You didn't pause after you finished it. You submitted it and moved on to the next thing. You treat school and work and learning as a conveyor belt - input, output, input, output. Sometimes, you're like Lucy at the pie factory: the pies come at your faster than you can process them and suddenly you're in a big mess of whipped cream, pie crumbs, and tears.

You are smart. You are talented. You are hardworking. You care about people.

Take care of yourself. Take stock of what's around you. Your high school days with your high school friends will be over before you know it; those days will be gone forever. Know that life is a gift meant for you to appreciate and enjoy, not an obstacle course to be suffered through and eventually conquered.

Taking time to pause does not make you a slacker; it makes you balanced and human. Congratulating yourself does not make you conceited; it makes you confident and convinces you that you are capable of the Next Big Thing.

You think that you have to please your parents by convincing them that you are a Good Girl. You think that you have to impress everyone else by convincing them that you can get straight As, be the presidents of everything, play every instrument, and get into the best colleges to major in the hardest disciplines and to go on to graduate in the top-paid fields. You don't. You don't have to race to the top. Not if it's burning you out.

You're asking me, "what should I do instead?"

Support others through teaching, mentorship, coaching, and championing. Do what interests you--that is, do what gets you excited because it gets your excited. You're a lifelong learner, you're a leader, you're a coach and a mentor, you're a teacher, you're a reader, and you're a writer. This is who you are at your core. Move at a human pace, not at a super-human pace. Do what you can, do what you want, and know that you are more than enough for the world.

You've always loaded your plate with more than you can handle because you're Next Big Thing is always actually three steps away yet you're eager to get there now. Doing so got you as far as it got you. Have you enjoyed the journey? You think that when you "get there" you'll finally be happy and enjoy your achievement, but actually, you don't stop and take stock. You keep pushing. Pushing is fine if you enjoy pushing, but you don't always enjoy it. In fact, it usually drives you insane.

Slow down. Put away the work. Breathe.

You are hardworking. You are brave. You are smart. I know this with or without that the things you have achieved and will achieve in the future. This is you, at your core. When you stumble, it's not evidence that you are incapable; it's evidence that you are growing.

Listen to me because I know you better than anyone else and because I am smarter and wiser than you, past self.

Enjoy your life because life is a gift to you. You only get one. Cherish it.

Best,
April-at-29.

2018/01/23

the goods, the bads

I still wake up anxious.

What's different is that my mind doesn't immediately latch onto the first thing to blame my anxiety on. When I'm at my best, I'm able to say "welp, there goes my anxiety acting up again. Let me just focus on what I can do to bring my anxiety down to a manageable level."

Then, I spring into action and work, work, work, work, work, or take a few deep breaths, or distract myself with garbage media (thanks, Internet), or exercise...

Sometimes I'm able to forget about the anxiety.

And other times it just stays with me.

I was anxious all day today. I didn't have a particular "trigger" or something to blame for my anxiety. I mean, yeah, work is always crazy. As a teacher, you always have to be on. You have to be consistent in upholding your rules for every student; you have to deal with conflict with infinite patience; you have to repeat yourself many times; you have to decide how to deal with many, many, many people's needs and emotions; you wake up early to not have to rush to work and battle traffic, you get to work early to start prepping your materials, you teach all day and meet with students in every tiny little crack of time to field individual needs, you tutor after school, you grade after that...

So yeah, work is crazy.

Still, I had nothing to fear, right?

And yet.

And yet.

This is how I dealt with my anxiety today: I blamed nothing on my anxiety. I smiled a lot. I spoke very sweetly with students. I exercised lots and lots of patience. And I worked and worked and worked.

I'm eager to return to therapy and hear what else I can do to manage (...cure?! please, God, cure...) my anxiety.

2018/01/21

my overachieving reptilian brain


Here is a long list of facts:
  • the reptilian brain (the part of our brain in charge of instinct and basic functions) absorbs information; at times, a stimulus can cause it to reacts as though the body is in a life-threatening situation 
  • this reaction can include pulse racing, shallow breath, adrenaline coursing through the body, sweat, blood rushing away from my limbs and to my core, arms numb...
  • when this happens, it's called a "panic attack"
  • panic "disorder" is when, either due to a trigger or without a trigger, there is a breakdown between the logical part of your brain (the frontal lobe) and the reptilian part of your brain; even though you know that you are not in any danger, your reptilian brain overrides your frontal lobe and sends signals to the rest of your body to go into full panic mode
  • at this point, the best way to handle a panic attack is to allow the adrenaline to run it's course and ride out the initial shock
  • if one becomes anxious during the attack, then - rather than allowing the otherwise small burst of adrenaline to run out - the panic attack may continue
  • panic "disorder" is when one's brain is overly sensitive to stimuli, to the point that panic attacks occur more frequently
  • this, in and of itself is not a problem; it is a problem when the attacks hinder a person from being able to go about their daily life, do the things they want to do, and be who they want to be
  • a panic attack may occur as a result of anxiety reaction
  • anxiety is a normal human reaction; in fact, it is a necessary emotion for survival 
  • anxiety can drive one to react to an event - it ensure that you keep yourself out of danger
  • anxiety "disorder" is when one fears, stresses, and/or worries to an extent that is disproportional to the stressor
  • symptoms include loss of sleep, irritable bowel syndrome, feelings of worthlessness or despair, crying, irritability, avoidance, and others
  • people with anxiety disorder may avoid situations that they believe will trigger their anxiety, including social events, presentations, confrontation, and new experiences
  • anxiety disorder can hinder a person from being able to go about their daily life, do the things they want to do, and be who they want to be
  • just because someone has anxiety disorder doesn't mean they're agoraphobic, wrapped in a straight jacket, spending their life rocking back and forth in the corner of a padded room
  • in fact, nearly 2 in every 10 American adults suffer from anxiety disorder. These people are teachers, police officers, doctors, lawyers, mothers, fathers,...
  • yet only 1 in 3 of those who suffer get help
  • I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder

Here were my initial thoughts upon learning the prior list of facts:

  • oh, so what I've experienced are called "panic attacks"
  • wait, you mean to tell me, doc, that you've only experienced 2 in your whole life? I can't even begin to count the number I've had in my lifetime. I've had 3 this week.
  • ...but doesn't everyone experience stress and anxiety?
  • is my reaction to stressors not normal?
  • OK, I can jive with you that what I've had are called panic attacks, but now you're telling me I have panic disorder?
  • DISORDER?
  • wtf does that mean? I'm sick? you're telling me that the way/amount I experience stress/worry/far is not normal? am I crazy? how long have I been crazy? am I going to be crazy for the rest of my life?
  • I think I'm panicking
  • why me, I've never been diagnosed for anything in my life, why this, why now, why me
  • how do I know you're right, doc? 
  • maybe you're just over-diagnosing and there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe I just suck at managing stress and I'm overly emotional and overly sensitive
  • am I going to lose my job over this?
  • can I still have kids?
  • will my kids inherit this from me?
  • will I have to take medication?
  • will I become addicted to medication? I mean, am I one of those people who needs pills to be happy?


Here are thoughts that came to me later, in the days following the diagnosis:
  • that time that I got stressed out about ____ - was that not a normal reaction to the situation? (repeat this thought 10,000 times for every moment in my life I felt worried, afraid, or stressed)
  • if the doctor is wrong and I don't have an anxiety disorder, does that mean I just suck at managing stress? why are other people better at managing stress and why can't I be like them?
  • if the doctor is right and I do have an anxiety disorder, does that mean that those times when my anxiety was at its worst... like when I would sleep only once every two days in college, or when I was convinced that an evil voice wormed its way into my brain to play a broken record of negative thoughts, or when I would make myself throw up in high school as a stress release, or when I would break down in sobs, hyperventilating (even fainting once), feeling like I fell down a pit with no hope of getting out, followed by hating myself for not being able to get it together... is not because I suck at managing stress, but because my reptilian brain is an asshole overachiever that loves to pump adrenaline and "worry" hormones as often as it fucking pleases at the most inconvenient times?
  • are my fears/stresses/worries still legitimate, or are they a disproportional reaction to a stressor?
  • if I accept the diagnosis, will my anxiety become a self-fulfilling prophecy? can I reject the diagnosis? is it at all possible that the diagnosis is wrong and that I'm normal (whatever that means, anymore) and that I can and will lead a normal, mentally healthy life?
  • is my anxiety always "real", or is it sometimes "just" due to a disorder that I have?
  • I want to believe that having a mental disorder is as much a fact and nuance in humans as being left handed, or catching the flu, or having a runner's build, or having diabetes -- that is, at best, a neutral (not good, not bad) trait, at worst, a treatable, albeit uncomfortable, inconvenience 
  • I know, in theory, that just as a diabetic needs insulin, so too does a person with a chemical imbalance in their brain need medicine to help them be properly functional
  • ...the progressive in me believes all that, or at least, really, really, wants to believe that...
  • ...so why do I feel like having a mental disorder is the worst, most embarrassing that could possibly have happened to me? 
  • it's not my fault that my brain works this way; I neither did this to myself nor neglected to do something which caused this to happen to me; this isn't something I can *positively think* my way out of, or muscle through, or reason out, or avoid, or ignore, or take care of myself (though I've tried and continue to try all those things)
  • this just is something that I have been learning to manage and will continue learning to manage... this time, with professional guidance and therapy
  • apparently, there are a few best-case-scenario outcomes that have happened to people who have been diagnosed with panic disorder: after treatment, they have fewer panic attacks, they get better at recognizing and managing anxiety, some never experience another panic attack again and others only have panic disorder for a short period in their life.
  • I suppose I should be thankful that I don't have to continue suffering like this
  • and thankful that I have access to mental healthcare
  • and thankful that anxiety and panic disorder is common and highly treatable
  • and proud that I've already gotten better at managing stress over the past years and years and years... through yoga, running, meditation, mindfulness, life coaching, healthy relationships, journaling, art, travel, healthy diet...
  • and proud that despite the anxiety, I've built a life for myself that I love: I love my students, I work hard at my job, I've achieved many of my goals and dreams, I have healthy relationships, and I push myself through difficult situations.

So, I guess overall, many good things have happened for me. Blessings still continue to come my way. I have to believe that this diagnosis is the beginning of something great.