Seek to Understand

I'm working on understanding that there are some things that I will never understand.

I will never understand these things because I am not equipped to/because I am not meant to/because I got my own thang goin' on/because it's nunna my biznass/because blind faith is the opposite of understanding and blind faith is kinda nice once in a while.

Blind faith may not make me smarter, but it makes me stronger.



This summer --

I vow to spend at least 30 minutes attending to emails each day. If I finish attending to emails in less than 30 minutes, then I will be free to go. If it takes slightly longer than 30 minutes to finish answering emails and I get tired, then I will allow myself a break.

However, at least 30 minutes a day.

Sunday email catch-up is just getting too ridic. Truth.
Where the heart goes, the will follows.


The Trying Skin I'm In

I'm finding it difficult to concentrate. In a good way. A great way.

First I said good-bye. Now I'm saying hello. And thank you for helping me try on a different skin. I'm even going to keep some of these new traits.

The togetherness helped me figure out who I am not. The togetherness also blinded me from what I thought I hated about myself; I buried away these things because it seemed like the right thing to do for you.

The separation is helping me figure out who I always was; it also made me see that I love these things about myself. I'm sorry that you didn't.

I was deep. I was emotional. I was poetic. I believed in romantic, corny, overwhelming, earth-shattering, heaven-sent love. I knew what love was. I trusted in love even though I knew it hurt me sometimes. I wrote about my feelings. I prayed to and trusted in God. I believed in deep connections and meaningful relationships. I fought angrily and forgave whole-heartedly.

And then I put that all away because I thought I was being childish. I thought it was time to grow up.

Now that I'm grown up, I realize that it's OK to be me. It's OK to be that side of me. Before the togetherness, I didn't recognize those traits in me. Now, I see it and I like it. I love it. Me. Someone will take me for who I am. And even if no one does, that's OK, too.

And something else: they call it 'serial long-term relationships'. They say it like it's a bad thing. Well, if this is bad, then I don't want to be good. It's what I do. I try and try again. It comes with the package of being emotional, hopeful, self-indulgent, and poetic. Some find themselves in solitude while others do so hand-in-hand with the right person.

Sometimes the trouble is in finding the right person.

Sometimes the special thing about finding the right person is you find them when you weren't searching for them because you were only searching for yourself. Sometimes you find them when you were searching for yourself because they've known the real you that you've been looking for all along.

Just sometimes, though. Not all the time. I'm just dreaming up fantasies here.


To Err is Human

I suppose that if everyone makes mistakes, it's how you vindicate or humble yourself afterwards that is the true test of character.

And friendship.



Present April

I really shouldn't be writing this post.

Especially not so early in the game.

Not that this is a game.

Because I'm done with games.

Funny how I thought there was no game to be played -- here.

And so I shouldn't be doing this -- writing this post.

But that is one of the themes of this. All of this. "This". Whatever "this" is: Do it. Do it now.

I'm doing this -- writing this post -- because it feels good. Because it feels right. I'll worry about later later. I'll enjoy the moment now.

In fact, I'm not doing it -- writing this post -- just because it feels good. I am doing it to satisfy the overwhelming need to do it and do it now.

I am allowing myself the happiness that I deserve; I am letting it happen and making it happen.

Happiness, that is.

No one but myself will do that for me.

Make me happy, that is.

When I stopped looking for excuses, when I stopped looking for what might go wrong later, I started appreciating what is going right now.

I appreciate it a lot.

...Good lookin' out, God.


Know Thyself/Intimate Relationships

"Without a Thou, there is no I evolving, without an It, there is no figure, no heat, but only an affair of mirrors confronting each other" -David Hawkins, 1967
In my quest for inspiration, I find that is necessary to take pause and self-reflect. I spend so much time looking to others... Perhaps I'll also find inspiration in my own traits?

I think it's time for me to blog about myself.

Ways that I am awesome:
-I am able to translate my thoughts to words on a page
-I care about my students
-I know what I want to do for a career
-I am on my way to doing that career
-I am a musician
-I am physically fit and coordinated
-I can keep up in conversations about sports
-I am a good conversationalist
-I like how I look
-I am an avid reader
-I care about my friends' feelings
-I am responsible
-I have a sense of humor
-I am willing to try almost anything -- I am a "yes"-sayer
-I dream big
-I practice seeing the best in people; I practice assuming that everyone has good intentions
-I have seen many places
-I understand (and somewhat speak) Tagalog
-I avoid conflict by all means
-I like to keep busy and productive
-I am a "thinker"... I like to reflect on myself and make connections between my experiences in the world
-I am pretty organized, neat, and clean (most days)
-I am good to my family
-I love striking up conversations with strangers at the ball park, at the airport, and anywhere else where folks are generally happy and excited in the moment
-I like to network; I like to see how people can help me get to where I want to go in life and I like putting people in contact with others who can help them with their dreams and ambitions

= = =
I disagree with having to stand alone to see who we are. Yes, my true self is affected by the company I keep, but "without a thou, there is no I evolving". I would not know who I am were it not for the people who allow me to become as close a friend to them as I can. I would not be who I am were it not for the people who allow me to make deep connections with them. I often do not know why others permit me to become acquainted with them so intimately, but I am thankful for it. I'd like to think that I have some power in the matter as well, that I choose to know you once you give me the go-ahead. I choose you because I want you to help me become a better person.

That's all.