The Trying Skin I'm In

I'm finding it difficult to concentrate. In a good way. A great way.

First I said good-bye. Now I'm saying hello. And thank you for helping me try on a different skin. I'm even going to keep some of these new traits.

The togetherness helped me figure out who I am not. The togetherness also blinded me from what I thought I hated about myself; I buried away these things because it seemed like the right thing to do for you.

The separation is helping me figure out who I always was; it also made me see that I love these things about myself. I'm sorry that you didn't.

I was deep. I was emotional. I was poetic. I believed in romantic, corny, overwhelming, earth-shattering, heaven-sent love. I knew what love was. I trusted in love even though I knew it hurt me sometimes. I wrote about my feelings. I prayed to and trusted in God. I believed in deep connections and meaningful relationships. I fought angrily and forgave whole-heartedly.

And then I put that all away because I thought I was being childish. I thought it was time to grow up.

Now that I'm grown up, I realize that it's OK to be me. It's OK to be that side of me. Before the togetherness, I didn't recognize those traits in me. Now, I see it and I like it. I love it. Me. Someone will take me for who I am. And even if no one does, that's OK, too.

And something else: they call it 'serial long-term relationships'. They say it like it's a bad thing. Well, if this is bad, then I don't want to be good. It's what I do. I try and try again. It comes with the package of being emotional, hopeful, self-indulgent, and poetic. Some find themselves in solitude while others do so hand-in-hand with the right person.

Sometimes the trouble is in finding the right person.

Sometimes the special thing about finding the right person is you find them when you weren't searching for them because you were only searching for yourself. Sometimes you find them when you were searching for yourself because they've known the real you that you've been looking for all along.

Just sometimes, though. Not all the time. I'm just dreaming up fantasies here.

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