17 Weeks

What a whirlwind.

BC and I have spent a lot of time over the break going through old family photos. Seeing pre-pregnancy photos of my mom has been really eye-opening. When my mom would tell me stories about her life before children, I just copied and pasted my current image of my mom onto a new background: in the Philippines, in a computer chip manufacturing company, hanging out with other copy-and-pasted aunties. When I see her old photos though, I realize my mom was a whole different person than the woman I know. She was thin, stylish, social, a musician, a dancer, a daughter, a student--a young woman!

After looking at photos of my mom, I moved on to photos of my grandma. My dad and I agreed that Lola always looked the same for as long as we could remember--whether she was 30, 60, or 80 years old. We came across her wedding day photos and our jaws dropped. Wouldn't you now it, Lola was once a young woman, too!

Though I am in awe of the women who came before me, I started to feel kind of sad for myself. I feel like soon, I too will have "once been a young woman".

- - -

Something has shifted and I feel like I'm starting to bond with my baby. Each time I wake up in the middle of the night, I touch my belly to check that their OK (not sure what I'm checking for, exactly). I greet my baby when I wake up in the morning. I tell my baby "this is your first time in Hawaii!" and "this is your first time at the beach!". I tell BC to kiss baby good night.  I'm starting to focus less on all the horrible symptoms, and even focus less on planning for the new future, and just focus on what it feels like to hold my baby inside of me.

My brain feels different. Sometime I feel like my brain is turned off, like I'm not thinking of anything at all. Sometime I feel like my brain is feeding me sad thoughts that don't make any rational sense. Sometimes, my brain feels like it's in a meditative state, which is nice. I'll notice the breeze, the sun, the comfiness of the couch, the taste of ice cream, and think of nothing but those senses. If my mind wanders to work, my brain easily says "nah, don't worry about it" and I continue with my meditative thoughts.

I'm trying to stay active even though I feel like a sack of potatoes. I don't feel energetic even if I feel truly horrified by what by body looks like right now. I can't even be bothered to exercise for the sake of endorphins. I just want to rest.

- - -

We've shared the news with my parents, some extended family, and friends. All of a sudden, everyone else is excited to talk about the news, but I'm over talking about it. Anyway, I've become pretty sensitive to what people are saying. "I knew it! I could tell by looking at you." Cool, thanks. Questions about daycare, apartment living versus buying a house, health, work, gender, and what we plan to buy for our child, have all become touchy subjects for me.

- - -

Looking Up

OMG a diagnosis! Wonky thyroid! I'm not imagining things, I'm not dooming myself to negative thoughts, I'm not creating depressive symptoms in myself by not exercising enough/being ungrateful/eating badly/not sleeping...! It's my thyroid's fault, YAY!

- - -

I am so relieved to have received a diagnosis, even though my worst symptoms are behind me (or have taken a pause). With that, an update:

This is now starting to feel real real, in a great way. I'm starting to see baby growing (without the ultrasound). I'm commiserating with other soon-to-be moms. BC and I have picked out names and have started planning for the near future and baby's soon-to-be needs. I'm starting to believe that this is good and this is happening.

I'm currently in Hawaii counting down the days to tell my parents. I'm currently 16 weeks on the nose. We arrived last Wednesday; today is Friday, and we're going to tell them on Sunday! It's become difficult to hide my belly (sometimes... sometimes my tummy seems to deflate). Sunday can't come soon enough. Meanwhile, I'm taking notice of all these last precious moments of my current lifestyle--childfree, carefree, on vacation, with nothing to worry about except work and school. BC, the sibs, and I still come and go as we please--doing what we want, eating what we want, going where we want, whenever we want, for however long we want. These days are numbered.

Luckily, many of my symptoms have faded. I'm not gagging twelve times a day, I'm keeping food down, and I can eat most foods. I still feel like I can smell anything and everything. I still get fatigued. My mood is not as high as it was at times pre-pregnancy, but it's not super low or particularly flat as it was during that bout of depression. My memory feels pretty foggy at times. I have such vivid dreams that I sometimes wake up crying from something horrible that happens in my dreams. I have to pee ALL. THE. TIME. My weight fluctuates +3 lbs in a day. I haven't put on much, if any weight compared to pre-pregnancy (at most, I've equaled my pre-pregnancy peak weight of 123 lbs., at least, I've weighed in at 115 lbs., a weight that I'd had difficultly getting down to pre-pregnancy).

Things to do in the coming months:

• Tell Mom and Dad
• Tell BC's mom and dad 
• Look into Iceland
• Look into Cancun
• Tell my friends
• Tell BC's friends
• Plan BC's bday (and get his gift!)
• Hawaii trip #2
• Start gathering [frugal] baby items
• Get a bridal dress for Tin's wedding
• Plan two baby showers

Amidst that:

• Grade Finals
• Plan Semester 2 - Units, Learning Targets, Materials, Assessments
• Finish annotated biblio
• Register for SFSU Spring 2020
• Centering pregnancy appointments
• Bloodwork
• 2nd thyroid follow-up appointment
• 20-week ultrasound
• Reach coaching
• MWF hip hop classes
• TuThSa yoga
• Su cycling
• Gather data
• Write thesis
• Attend research groups meetings
• Prepare for last weeks of semester (Study Guide, Final)
• GRADUATE
• Tin & Paul's Wedding
• BABY

Summer:

• Baby bonding time!

Fall 2020 - Spring 2020 (and for next 10 years..???):

• Teach 2-3 classes, 3 days per week

2020 - baby born

2021 - baby is 1 y.o. (June), (Sept) get preg

2022 - baby is 2 y.o., baby born

2023 - baby is 3 y.o., baby is 1 y.o.

2024 - baby is 4 y.o., baby is 2 y.o. (June), (Sept) get preg

2025 - baby is 5 y.o. (start Kinder), baby is 3 y.o., baby born

2026 - baby is 6 y.o. (start 1st), baby is 4 y.o., baby is 1 y.o.

2027 - baby is 7 y.o. (start 2nd), baby is 5 y.o. (start Kinder), baby is 2 y.o.

2028 - baby is 8 y.o. (start 3rd), baby is 6 y.o. (start 1st), baby is 3 y.o.

2029 - baby is 9 y.o. (start 4th), baby is 7 y.o. (start 2nd), baby is 4 y.o.

2030 - baby is 10 y.o. (start 5th), baby is 8 y.o. (start 3rd), baby is 5 y.o. (start kinder)

One Day:

• Live abroad with the kids (Japan? Iceland? Philippines? Europe?)
• Get my PhD (5-7 years of my life)
• Become a professor
• Live in HI
• Live near family

Just Pretend / Be Better

I stumbled across a video clip today of a young boy jamming out on an ukulele, singing his heart out. I was transported back to every time that my heart leapt, stopped, wept at the curious combination of sweet notes and soulful vocal cords.

In my wanderings, I decided to dive into a rabbit hole of my old journal entries and blog posts. I'm not ashamed to say that I admire the person that I used to be. I won't ever be that person again, but maybe I can learn something from her.

If I'm not going to be the best person that I can be for me, I resolve to be for my child.

13+5 Weeks

OK, I'm now 13 weeks and 5 days into pregnancy.

I'm relieved to have shaken off that depression. I literally woke up one day, and it was gone. I could hardly believe it when I opened my eyes. I didn't feel happy per se, but I just felt regular tired, regular nauseous, and even regular not-bouncy-happy-not-empty-or-sobby, just-kinda-neutral. 

Sharing the news with the close few has been tearful and exciting, though still nerve-racking. A couple days after stepping out of my fog and seeing my second ultrasound, I felt my toes just start to touch down onto reality. It doesn't necessarily feel like 'THIS IS HAPPENING!' yet. It feels more reasonable to hope for the best but expect the worst. With it being BC's and my 8th anniversary and with it being such a special celebration, I started to feel little glimmers of hope. Enough so that I wanted to tell N. Her joy and her tears made me feel like maybe something good truly is on the way. Fast forward a couple of weeks to the big announcement with the sibs--their immediate joy made me almost envious of their optimism. Now, two more souls are in on the secret. I feel like I'm spreading a lie that I myself am starting to believe. It's not a lie, according to the doctor appointments. It just... doesn't feel real yet.

13 week ultrasound. Baby looks like a human: head, stomach, arms, legs--the whole nine. This time, I felt--not ecstasy, exactly, more like wtf, is this a pre-recorded video playing on the monitor, howwwwwwww... which, to be fair, is a huge leap from my apathy during the first ultrasound. 

My loss of appetite, nausea, and disgust at all foods spicy, fatty, flavorful, textured, or colorful has in and of itself been a downer. At times, my aversions will break and my old self will peek through. Then, I'm able to say "almost yum; I'm sure that pre-pregnant me would have loved this." This is an upgrade from going days of eating nothing but plain, sugarless oatmeal, bananas, and plain bread.

Mental health-wise, my spirit has been through the wash at high speed for the past few years. When attempting to prepare for this child has, the sun has at times peeked through; I've been able to say, "ok; I can see how pre-jaded me would have been blindly, naïvely, unabashedly, vocally, excited about a baby on the way." 

Present me feels wary... and tired. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. Not ambitious, not trying to get ahead of myself. Whereas all things once felt possible, I feel less in control of my destiny and more cautious of what the world has in store for us. 

That's all for now.