I'm relieved to have shaken off that depression. I literally woke up one day, and it was gone. I could hardly believe it when I opened my eyes. I didn't feel happy per se, but I just felt regular tired, regular nauseous, and even regular not-bouncy-happy-not-empty-or-sobby, just-kinda-neutral.
Sharing the news with the close few has been tearful and exciting, though still nerve-racking. A couple days after stepping out of my fog and seeing my second ultrasound, I felt my toes just start to touch down onto reality. It doesn't necessarily feel like 'THIS IS HAPPENING!' yet. It feels more reasonable to hope for the best but expect the worst. With it being BC's and my 8th anniversary and with it being such a special celebration, I started to feel little glimmers of hope. Enough so that I wanted to tell N. Her joy and her tears made me feel like maybe something good truly is on the way. Fast forward a couple of weeks to the big announcement with the sibs--their immediate joy made me almost envious of their optimism. Now, two more souls are in on the secret. I feel like I'm spreading a lie that I myself am starting to believe. It's not a lie, according to the doctor appointments. It just... doesn't feel real yet.
13 week ultrasound. Baby looks like a human: head, stomach, arms, legs--the whole nine. This time, I felt--not ecstasy, exactly, more like wtf, is this a pre-recorded video playing on the monitor, howwwwwwww... which, to be fair, is a huge leap from my apathy during the first ultrasound.
My loss of appetite, nausea, and disgust at all foods spicy, fatty, flavorful, textured, or colorful has in and of itself been a downer. At times, my aversions will break and my old self will peek through. Then, I'm able to say "almost yum; I'm sure that pre-pregnant me would have loved this." This is an upgrade from going days of eating nothing but plain, sugarless oatmeal, bananas, and plain bread.
Mental health-wise, my spirit has been through the wash at high speed for the past few years. When attempting to prepare for this child has, the sun has at times peeked through; I've been able to say, "ok; I can see how pre-jaded me would have been blindly, naïvely, unabashedly, vocally, excited about a baby on the way."
Present me feels wary... and tired. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. Not ambitious, not trying to get ahead of myself. Whereas all things once felt possible, I feel less in control of my destiny and more cautious of what the world has in store for us.
That's all for now.
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