First Letter; Begins with...

May 8, 2020

Hello, my baby.

It is 2pm on a Friday afternoon. Today marks 54 day since your dad and I started self-quarantining. We haven't been 100% caged up. I stepped out of the house after, I believe, 4 weeks of self-quarantining. Today also marks 36 weeks of you living in my belly. You are super active today! You are tiring me out. I wonder how much longer you will choose to stay in there--days? Weeks? Another month? I had my first prenatal appointment in 13 weeks today. I'm relieved to see that everything looks good. You're mostly in position, but sunny side up. Though I still need to close out the year with my students and finish up my degree at State, I feel ready for you.

It's 80ºF out today; I'm laying, with the fan running, the lights off, and the curtains pulled, in our dark bedroom. I feel like a desert lizard with a swollen belly, looking for refuge under a cool rock. I had my Tdap vaccine today and sleep has been a struggle. I might nap for a bit, though napping is not usually something that I do. 

What a world you'll be born into, love. I hope that throughout the ups and downs that you inevitably will face in your life, that you find joy, peace, safety, adventure, and comfort. I'm so thankful to have you in my life already.

Talk soon,

--

Bending, Not Breaking; Slowing, Not Braking.

I cracked last night.

I just cried and cried. It was everything and nothing. It's work, school, the pandemic, pregnancy, fear of an uncertain future. Sometimes my brain takes care of itself by blocking stressors when they aren't relevant, allowing me to focus on the present task. Sometimes that damn breaks, and every worry I've ever had come rushing through, one barely distinguishable from the next.

What helped last night was letting some of those thoughts run its course. An image I held onto was my thoughts as clouds and my mind as the clear blue sky just beyond the clouds. The clouds were there, but I let those clouds blur in the background while I concentrated on the hue of the sky. Eventually, I stopped noticing the clouds. Eventually, the clouds drifted away.

I noticed that my body was tense and in pain. I figured this was due to the pregnancy, lack of sleep, and not having time to exercise today. I asked BC to massage my back. The pressure of his hands on my back gave me a new focus. I tried to make my attention laser sharp on the sensation of the knots in my back being pressed away.

We all have ups and downs. What's helpful is having a way to get out of those 'downs'. Sometimes we feel too exhausted to help ourselves. I'm grateful to have BC be there with me when I start to fall apart. Knowing that he's rock steady and by my side is what helps me from falling into an infinite pit. Then, moments when I falter feels more like when we're on one of our walks and we sit to take a break, rather than feeling like a car crash. I just let the panicked feeling run its course until it subsides. Afterwards, we move on.

7 Ways to Deal with Negative Thoughts

1. Recognize thought distortions

• Black and white thinking (seeing everything as one way or the other, without any in beween). I'm not either good at what I do, or bad at what I do; rather, I have strengths and I have areas of growth. She's not either mean/close-minded/judgemental or not those things. She has moments where I perceive her to be that way.

• Personalizing (assuming I am to blame for anything that goes wrong). If a students doesn't learn 'everything that they were supposed to learn with me', it may be because they started behind in my class, they have other priorities outside of my class, they forgot things that they learned with me, or they do know their stuff, but later are being unfairly judged as not knowing their stuff.

• Filter thinking (choosing to see only the negative side of a situation). Let me remember students who I've assessed as knowing their stuff (A, G, S, V, R) and students who seem to trust my skills as a teacher (G, S, V, R, V, M, V, J, Y, A). I can't please 'em all and I can't be the perfect teacher that every single student needs, but I am doing a decent job for many of my students. I need to remember those students and not just focus on the students whom I feel that I am failing.

• Catastrophizing (assuming the worst possible outcome is going to happen). Without thinking too deeply about what I am fearing, I know that there is an underlying fear beneath the stress. Let me parse out what some of these irrational fears are: getting fired, being seen as doing an insufficient job and thus not only getting fired, but also not able to acquire a recommendation, getting antagonized by a parent or admin, being forced to defend myself and being unable to do so... Now, let me try to reason through these fears. For all of the fears: if it happens, it happens, and I get through it. For the most part, if any of the fears actualize, it would still be based on others have insufficient information and having unrealistic standards--that's they're problem, and one that wouldn't have been able to be realistically resolved anyway, even if I could feasibly be the perfect teacher that they were looking for.

2. Challenge negative thoughts. 

• Stop and evaluate what is accurate. (check)
• Think about how you would respond if a friend spoke about herself that way. I would know that my friend is a smart and capable person who will ultimately be OK in the long run. I would know that there are a lot of things out of her control, including negative impact. For example, I would tell her that she had her odds stacked against her in trying to be some perfect teacher: students aren't coming to her as perfect students, she herself is a new teacher, she's measuring herself up to try to be an "A" teacher rather than even at "B" teacher, when in reality, every day that she makes progress and doesn't call it quits, she's an "A" teacher... oh, and of course, now we have these school closures! She can't teach everything that would be expected to be taught otherwise nor will students be able to learn and retain everything that they "should" learn and retain in the course (this is the case under normal circumstance, but even more so right now!).
• Think about other possible outcomes. I become a seasoned precalculus teacher who is familiar with not only the prerequisite knowledge of my course, but also the prerequisite knowledge of the courses that follow. I establish myself so much so that students who excel in my course recognize my added value and students who struggle know that I am doing all that I can and that they need to turn inwardly and look at others for blame (not me!). I establish myself so much so that other teachers trust my knowledge, expertise, and experience. I establish myself so much so that I trust my knowledge, expertise, and experience.

3. Take a break from negative thoughts. 

• Allow yourself to have the thoughts (for maybe five minutes), then take a break from those those thoughts and move on with your day. I want to stop dwelling on these thoughts and take care of what I need to take care of: lesson planning and thesis writing.

4. Release judgement.

• We all judge ourselves and others, usually unconsciously [sic]. Yes, these negative thoughts are a manifestation of me judging myself and holding resentment toward her.
• Constantly comparing ourselves to other people or comparing our lives to some ideal breeds dissatisfaction. Yes, I am comparing my whole self as a teacher to specific strengths of other teachers whom I admire. I have strengths and areas of growth that are my own, as to other teachers. I can't only be an amalgamation of all the best qualities that I see in different people--not only is this not realistic, but all of these qualities would probably come to head with each other: I can't be strict and laid back, calm and enthusiastic, hyper organized and creative AND have life balance... I can only be some of those things some of the time. What I can do is observe when I am being some of those things (and when I am not), recognize it, and acknowledge myself (or forgive myself) and let it go. If I do catch myself in a negative space, I will counteract that thought by finding something to praise myself for.

5. Practice gratitude.

• Right now, I am so grateful for "room to think", à la shelter-in-place. I am grateful to have BC practically at my elbow at all times when I need emotional support or reassurance. I am grateful to be on Spring Break. I am grateful to have work sessions with like-minded individuals. I am grateful to have a comparatively non-stressful job. I am thankful for my (and my baby's) health. I am grateful to have a job and to be in school. I am grateful to be in abundance with food and wealth.

6. Focus on your strengths.

• I am smart, I am capable, I am hard working, I have experience, I am willing to improve, I do improve, I am creative, I am thoughtful and organized, I am empathetic, I am adaptable, I am compassionate.

7. Seek out professional support.

• I usually do have professional support on a weekly basis as well as individual professional support on a monthly (if not bi-weekly) basis. I am nearing my limit as far as what I've been able to shoulder without that support (weekly sessions cancelled and nearing the one-month mark for individual support). 'Til then, I'll use the coping mechanisms that I learned to keep myself afloat: take a daily shower, stay well-fed and hydrated, keep physically active, keep socially engaged, and journal.

source

Who Do I Want to be Today?

I came across this graphic on the interwebs and I found it to be quite powerful. Having an awareness of the mindset that you're in is crucial every day, not just during this global pandemic.

I also realize that the mindset that we're in can change daily, even at different times of the day. Right now, I'm in the Learning Zone. I'm identifying my emotions, I'm giving up what I can't control, and I'm recognizing that I am doing my best (as are others).

I'm out of sorts today. I think this has to do with insomnia (which is, in turn, is due to...?). I've been having all kinds of nightmares lately. These nightmares have not been a mystery--my fears have been playing themselves out in my dreams. I feel like every night, someone new dies in my sleep. 

My body feels tense. There's an incessant drone that's driving me up the wall. I've learned a lot about low frequency noise (LFN) and how there's nothing you can do to stop it except for write to your local elected official to do something(??) about the source of the noise (e.g., mandate only certain types of industry and construction in certain neighborhoods) or to straight up move house. LFN cuts through nearly all types of building materials, certainly including whatever materials our centurion residence is comprised.

I know that I'm doing what I can. I'm taking breaks, I did yoga, I went for a walk (while steering clear of annoying people who just haaaaad to walk right up and behind me, making sure not to touch anything, using a face mask, and washing up after getting home), I ate healthy stuff, I ate guilty pleasure stuff, I'm drinking water, I spent a teensy bit of time doing things that usually bring me pleasure like write, draw, and read... I'm listening to music that usually calms me, I'm taking deep breaths, and I talked a bit to my doctor today. So yeah. There's not much else I can do besides all of that, except to let this mood pass.

My doctor brought up medication again. She said that she supports me in my decision to "stay the course" and using CBT and workshops to learn coping mechanisms for depression and anxiety, but that she also wants to make sure that I'm aware that taking medication for mental health also be safe for me and for the baby. She said that she also wanted to bring it up because medication can take time to adjust and to get working, and that in that time, I would be having the baby and going through an extra stressful time with lost sleep, etc. Basically, if I were to consider taking medicine, I might as well start taking it now before things get really bad and while I have some time to get it up and running. She also assured me that taking medication wouldn't have to be some kind of life sentence, that I could take medication for six months, a year, or however long or short I wanted (with doctor supervision). I guess I'm hesitant because I know that there are times that I pull out of these moods without medication and because the coping mechanisms that I've learned usually also help pull me out of these moods. I just want all of that to keep working. I don't like being in this position of trying to decide whether or not I'm in "bad enough" of a state to resort to medicine. My doctor said that she believes in the importance treating mental health with medication just as much as she believes that someone with diabetes needs to take insulin. And yeah, I get that... I would be an idiot if I were diagnosed with diabetes but refused to take insulin. Is this the same thing? Do I feel ashamed about feeling anxious and depressed at times, to the point of possibly needing medicine? Am I being unnecessarily stubborn? I don't know why, but my first thought about starting medication goes to my parents. Without ever asking them about there take on this, I imagine them advising me to change something about my lifestyle if I'm feeling anxious or depressed, or praying, or just... I don't know, fixing something about my actions or mindset rather than reaching for a bottle of pills. That doesn't make them right, but I guess it would leave me wondering if there just is still something that I'm not doing or overdoing or thinking or overthinking that's getting me into these moods.

I can't always help how I feel, but I can try to take action. Sometimes, taking action helps influence how I feel. So right now, that's what I'll do. I'll think about the medication thing more. And I guess, til then, I should also try to do a better job of tracking my moods.

"Seek fulfillment, not productivity." OK, that's what I'll do.

Cabin Fever

My therapist said to go ahead and journal even on the days that I don't feel like it. That we can sometimes set up this expectation of what a thought out journal entry should look like, to the point that when we feel crummy, that we're afraid that we won't be able to produce quite the entry that we wanted to produce.

So this is me doing that.

I woke up this morning at 3am after about 4 hours of sleep. Today is Wednesday, April 1st. I've been self-quarantining since March 15th. Seventeen days ago. I could have stopped a the 14-day mark because that was all that was required of me, but I think that the uncertainty of the times has got me feeling a little agoraphobic and a lot germaphobic. I notice every cough, every sniffle, every moment of shortness of breath, every achy joint, and every time my cheeks feel flush. I don't know if I've been infected with COVID-19 yet, so I don't know if I have the antibodies for it yet. And in turn... I don't know how severe my symptoms would be if I got it.

So I lay in wait. Sheltering in place.

I felt pretty good for the first couple of weeks, personally. I like having people home with me all the time. I like not having to wake up so early, I like not having to commute, I like having a full hour for lunch and being able to take breaks on my couch. I like not having to be anywhere, I like not feeling like I'm missing out on something going on out there.

But today, I woke up anxious. I don't know why. I don't know what's on my mind. I keep tearing up randomly. My body feels tense and sad at the same time.

Let me focus on some positives. I just had a great tutoring session. I feel like a competent human being who got some things done today. I am taking advantage of my opportunity to rest and restore my body right now. I am going through my checklist of getting myself out of these funks: I connected with friends, I exercised, I meditated, I finished the book I was reading, I made sure to eat at regular intervals, I took a shower, and now I'm journaling. Later, I'm going to do a home project and make a yummy dinner with BC. I'm doing what I can.

One thing that I learned in therapy is that moods just come and happen to us. They just do. I didn't cause this. Then, thoughts follow moods. In my case, my thoughts started to trail off to worried thoughts about our future amidst this crisis. It's a lot. I'm trying to reign those thoughts back in and notice that my mood just is my mood and my thoughts are fears, not reality.

My reality is I get to be home right now, continue getting paid for easier work, and rest my pregnant body. I am so very fortunate.

I'm also very tired. I think I'll rest now.

Force Majeure

Closures and Hazardous Conditions

Today is Saturday.  What a wild ride. BC and I are on our way back to the states from Iceland. We were able to hop onto our 5:05pm flight from Keflavik airport to San Francisco via Seattle. In the past 72 hours, I’ve woken up to a text message that Trump banned travel from Europe to the United States, that schools across the United States are shutting down for anywhere from four days to four weeks, and that I will have to self quarantine for 14 days after returning back to the United States—assuming that I get through the screening process with no surprises.

Seventy-two hours before that—Monday morning. BC, Edward, and I woke up to an unexpected blanket of snow covering our front porch, car, and—most notably—the long, winding, private driveway leading to a quiet, country road. This stretch of country road was a ways away from the national highway. Desperate not to miss our ice cave tour, we gave ourselves two hours to attempt the supposed hour and a half drive to the tour meeting spot. 

We ended up spending 2 hours stuck in a ditch, after just barely making it to the end of the driveway.

One snow plough followed by one emergency tow truck came to our rescue. After we were wedged free, the emergency vehicle escorted us along the country road until, sure enough, we needed to be pulled out of another snow bank. In the end, we made our tour (albeit, a tour four hours later).

On Tuesday, we got caught in a blizzard on our way to the north of Iceland. We managed to squeeze into what ended up being the last escorted convoy from Rey∂arfjö∂ur to Egilssta∂ir in what must have been a mere 3 feet of visibility in whiteout conditions. In Egilssta∂ir, we pulled up to a blast-from-the-past 50s Americana diner run by a Spanish-speaking Romanian woman to regroup over a shared BLT and a heaping side of curly fries.

With the road to Akureyri closed, we were forced to stay in town and find available accommodation. With my swollen belly, I half wondered if the only accommodation we’d find is a manger filled with Icelandic sheep and three magi led by a North star. Luckily, this wasn’t the case; we found a reasonably-priced, stylish, modern AirBnB to settle in for the night. We comforted ourselves with late night gas station ice cream cones, cheesy matching Icelandic souvenirs, and a FRIENDS marathon Netflix binge.

The next morning, Wednesday, we fretted over being able to get back to town (a 9-hour drive away) in order to catch Edward’s flight by Friday and our flight by Saturday. Was the blizzard going to let up? Were roads going to close again? We decided to scrap all of our plans in the north and back track, clockwise, around Ring Road to play it safe and hopefully make it back to civilization with no further setbacks. We set off to re-drive the several hours that we had just driven the night before.

On Thursday morning, we awoke to the news of U.S. borders closing Friday at midnight due to coronavirus. Edward's flight was scheduled to take off before the cutoff, but our flight was the very next Saturday. Would we be locked out of the U.S.? For how long? Where in Iceland would we stay? What would happen to my job? BC’s job?

We had no idea what to do nor if there was anything we could do. As the day unfolded, bits of information were fed to us via the internet, Icelandair customer service reps, social media, and friends and family back home: U.S. citizens would be permitted to return. Thursday and Friday flights from Iceland to the States were not cancelled... but what about Saturday?. Confirmed cases of COVID-19 grew in Iceland from 50 to 150 in three days. Mass school closures were happening in Ohio, Maryland, Seattle, San Francisco… but what about Oakland? Not Oakland, but yes my school, for four days. OK, yes Oakland, til April 5th, but what about my school—still only four days? Overnight, twenty-six countries had been added to the “Level 3” list by the CDC, meaning travelers from these infected areas would need to self quarantine upon arrival to the States. Iceland was on that list. Really, Iceland? There are more confirmed cases in the Bay Area alone compared to the entire nation of Iceland, and we had been mostly isolated due to the nature (har har) of tourism in this country. There are more people living in the city of Oakland than in all of Iceland. I don’t feel sick, but could I be an asymptomatic carrier? What if I get sick? How do I self quarantine? Will we make it past airport screening? If we don’t, what will happen to us? What if BC makes it through and I don’t—what would happen to me? We haven’t been home in over a week, we don’t have supplies to last 14 days at our house. I’m going to go stir crazy. I won’t be able to make my prenatal appointments and I just started my third trimester. Am I going to lose pay due to missing work? Am I going to zero out my sick days I had been saving for when the baby arrives?

Well. These were the roughest parts of our trip so far. Now, I’m sitting on the plane back to the States with a plane full of dazed Americans, also on edge by the global turn of events. Over night, BC and I lost 23% of our invested assets. I don’t know when I’ll be back to work, to what capacity, and whether I’ll be able to continue collecting pay.

That’s where I’ll leave that bit of the trip. There’s the whole other side to it still, though, one that also deserves to be memorialized.

- - -

Moments of Clarity

Last Friday, the morning of our departure for our babymoon in Iceland, BC and I started the morning by grading stacks of precalculus quizzes. I had run out of steam in the days leading up to our trip amidst the frenzy of the daily grind. I had at first resigned to the fact that I’d need to pack a couple of class sets of quizzes to be graded and my laptop to submit grades and create 5 blocks worth of lesson plans while on my trip. Thanks to the coronavirus outbreak and cancelled field trips, I already needed an extra day of subbing than I had originally planned. Luckily, BC and I found ourselves with just enough spare time in that morning to crank through quiz questions on the unit circle and algebraic operations that I would be able to stacks of grading behind.

We caught our flight out to Iceland without incident, save for my insatiable hunger for hefty carb-loaded meals. We scarfed down ‘asa-ra’ (breakfast ramen) at SFO and loaded up again on a mountainous platter of fish and chips on our way out of SeaTac. I still managed to finish my $12 soggy airplane sandwich on the flight across the Atlantic.

We arrived Keflavik airport for our third time at 5am on Saturday, a full hour earlier than our scheduled arrival. Edward, already in Iceland, had left his AirBnB at 4am to come get us. Not one hour into our Icelandic excursion, we catch a glimpse of the northern lights just before daybreak. As we drove into Reykjavik, past the lumpy moss and snow covered volcanic rocky plain, I was struck by a familiar incredulous feeling I had the two previous times we had touched down in Iceland and made our way down Ring Road.

The first time we visited Iceland was in 2015. At that time, my mind was swirling with doubts and hopes that BC would finally propose to me. I’m not the type of girl to wait around for outdated conventions, but BC had said years ago that it was important to him that he would plan and execute an epic proposal ‘one day’ (presumably to me, but that this point I was no longer so sure). I figured I should patiently wait and let him have that moment. With each anniversary, season, and now passing day on this magical trip, my understanding turned to worn out patience, until it finally morphed into doubt. Did he want to marry me? Or was it time to move on?

More than halfway through our trip, BC found his perfect moment—a moment that, though at first seemed nearly too late, became the perfect moment for me, too. This long awaited shift in the trajectory of our lives was adorned with hilarity, adventure, and misadventure with our ragtag crew of wide-eyed young travelers throughout our 10-day stay.

Six weeks after that memorable trip, tragedy struck. My worldview darkened. I learned that dreams of bright futures are not inevitabilities. Loved ones can be wiped off of the earth today, tomorrow, even one minute from now. Our dream of a trip wasn’t destiny being fulfilled—it was happenstance, a mere coincidence that took place just in time for all of us to experience before one of us died.

Twelve month later—2016. BC and I dragged any loved ones who could be persuaded to this mysterious place of ‘ours’. Iceland felt extraterrestrial with its epic landscapes and freak forces of nature; it only seemed natural that MA would return here in spirit. Our return felt like our way of paying homage not only to his life, but to a moment in all of our lives when we still felt that the best in life was not only possible, but deserved. Our return to Iceland was bittersweet, and we were met with small miracles: the clouds parting just in time for our wedding ceremony; fireworks erupting during our final toasts of gratitude; serendipitous run-ins with all the right people at all the right moments. And one more: Edward brought the banquet room to cheers with a prophecy: “Iceland 2020 for the baby shower??”

Four years later than that, now, 2020. BC, Edward, and I return to our little paradise, this time with one more in tow. It feels important to make this pilgrimage in the last days that BC and I spend together as “just us”, and even more important that we share this trip with a friend who was at our side during each of our previous trips.

This trip was the perfect cocktail sauce of nostalgia and new memories. We recreated important moments and captured it on camera. We explored new sites: a diamond studded beach, a cave of infinite hues of blue, a plane wreck, and many new restaurants. In our conversations about how much had changed in the past five years and wondering what is to come in the coming few, we three grew closer still. BC admitted that he and I are different people now than we were then—as individuals and in our relationship. New responsibilities, new priorities, and life experience eventually etched crags into our personalities like the incessant drip of glacial melt on volcanic rock. In the five years since our first trip, my heart sank deeper and deeper as one friend, then one student, then a young family member, then one elderly family member, and then two more students were laid to rest. In the five years since our first trip, I’d been diagnosed with first panic disorder and anxiety and later with depression. In that time, I’d also changed jobs, in some ways for the better and in some ways not, but matured fittingly throughout the process. Together, BC and I made a life commitment to each other and to each other’s families, supported each other through loss, uncertainty, and tumult, bought a house, and are now preparing for a family. 

From the passenger seat on our eighth and final day of this trip, as I stared out at the familiar mossy, lumpy landscape on the way to airport, I broke down into silent sobs. I am only one in millions of tourists who have visited and fallen in love with the country’s exotic beauty; Iceland is only one of over four dozen countries I’ve visited. Still, this place touches my soul in a unique way. Returning to Iceland time after time is emotional and even overwhelming for me not because of what Iceland is, but because of what it’s come to represent to me. With each visit, I learned a little more about the perfect randomness of life. I’ll never know why heart-achingly incredible and horrible moments strike as they do, but I can’t numb myself to either anymore. This moment, I thought to myself, is all we have. These moments may never amount to anything. But in this moment, I am happy. In this moment, I am grateful for BC and for the hope of a child together.

Thank you for another important journey, Iceland. ’Til we meet again.

- - -

Reliving the Past

Anticipation 2015

Anticipation 2020

SeaTac 2015

SeaTac 2020

Groomsman 2016

Groomsman 2020

Höfn 2016

Höfn 2020

Suit Up 2016

Suit Up 2020

We Do 2016

We Do 2020

Skógafoss 2015

Skógafoss 2020

Seljalandsfoss 2015

Seljalandsfoss 2020

Making Room 

Confusing Perspective

Sapphire

Off Road

Sediment and Snow

Footprints

Ice Curtain

Creature Comforts

Heading Home

21 Weeks flat

We've surpassed a major milestone: the 20-week ultrasound.

I've pushed myself to a lot of baby-preparation things in the two days since. I had been putting a lot of that off for a while. Folks have been asking me why I haven't bought my maternity matron of honor dress yet, why I hadn't booked my baby moon ticket yet, why I hadn't started thinking about my baby shower or baby registry yet... and I don't know. Something inside me wasn't ready for that.

I finally went in and talked to my therapist. Funny how anxiety feels like a crisis, but depression feels like... nothing. My doctor said that it's important that I'm sharing with him that I feel that way and that it can get better. I don't have to feel like this.

"At first, though, the invulnerability that accompanied the detachment was exhilarating. At least as exhilarating as something can be without involving real emotions." - Allie Brosh, Hyperbole and a Half

I wouldn't say I feel "better" after my appointment, but I am more informed. To that end, I'm keeping up with work and work outs. I'm making plans and making moves for future events. I invited family to come visit in February. BC and I booked our tickets to our happy place: Iceland. That'll be in March: only one month and one week from today. BC and I made a guest list and picked a theme for our SoCal baby shower to hand off to my besties (they are truly the best) and I'll book my ticket for SD tonight. That'll be in April. I'm gonna decide this weekend if I'll also attend her bachelorette party, which will be in April. I ordered my matron of honor dress; I have no idea what size I will be come the day of the wedding (or what state I'll be in), but I suppose I can improve and adjust as necessary. That'll be for May 29th. The baby is due June 5th. I've even gone shopping for myself. This sounds minuscule, but I didn't realize until buying these items that I had been putting off shopping because I truly felt like, "what's the point?". Now, I feel like the 'point' is to have clothes that will fit my new body and the body that I'm going to have in the coming months... or even years. I've started looking for baby things and am building our collection of random baby hand-me-downs. I've reached out to more and more friends to tell them the news. We're looking at houses this weekend, for move-in some time around when/after the baby is here.

I'm going through the motions as though yes, this is actually happening rather than "waiting to see".

So yeah... I'm making moves for future things. This is a step up from not even bothering to plan as far ahead as dinner time.

= = =

Physical updates: Baby is 13 oz., is probably about 10.5 inches in length, and so far totally on schedule for our June 5th due date. Everything is accounted for and looking healthy. Baby has a bright spot on his/her heart, which is a little nerve-racking, but somewhat common for babies of Asian descent. I think I've been feeling more activity in my belly lately, though it's still hard to tell *what* exactly I'm feeling. Like, are those kicks? Or indigestion?

Yoga and dance has been a god-send. Prenatal yoga has been helpful for being around other pregnant women of various due dates and lifestyles, for learning about my pregnant body, for having somewhere nice to go three times a week, and for what is essentially a cheap-o self-massage. Hip hop has been great for cardio, fun, music, and meeting people outside of my friend/family/coworker/student circle.

Spicy food has been no fun. Baby seems to love sweet and salty. I thought that my childhood days of candy and milk chocolate were long gone as my palette switched to beer, black coffee, and dark chocolate, but baby does not like bitter things at all. Nothing seems to be sweet enough! I would eat french fries and burgers all day every day if I could. My body seems to be rejecting my usual favorites, like spicy ramen. Baby loves bland, greasy, hot, salty, and sweet. I'm trying to trick my body into eating sweet popsicles and fruit rather than candy and hot, salted veggies and grains rather than fries and bread. I've switched to sweet protein bars (cookies and cream flavored) rather than my usual morning bowl of oatmeal because what once tasted refreshing and just-sweet-enough now tastes like horse feed.

I get winded more easily now. Finding a comfortable and safe sleeping position is confusing, but since I ain't trippin one way or another about getting enough sleep, I haven't minded just lying there in bed until I finally catch a few hours of sleep. Work has been easy enough (and perhaps not enough of a priority) that I don't *need* a full night's worth of sleep to function. I just go about my day at half-charge, I don't mind.

Anyway, my next moves is to get a little ahead in work, to clean and organize the apartment, and to continue thrifting for baby items. Even though it feels hard to prepare for baby, it feels familiar to dive into consumer-savvy practices, like looking for free and re-useable resources. That's fun enough :)

19 Weeks+5 Days

A month ago, I resolved to be better. Or rather, to do better. Since then, I've attended weekly yoga classes, dance class, and even a couple of spin classes. I've reached out to multiple friends and I've even shared with them what I've been going through, mentally/emotionally. I've kept up with work, even if with some procrastination. I've kept up with chores. I've worked at pulling people closer, even when I don't know what to say, rather than isolating myself.

Despite it all, my mood has come around and has been taking a dive again. I'm trying to ignore it, to not engage with it, to move past it. I reached out to doctors and just got a ton of lab work done. We'll see what the results are soon.

- - -

We've finally told nearly all friends and family. A few out-of-town friends have still yet to hear from us, but I need a break. Folks' range of reactions have been really surprising to me. Some people were surprised, others full of I-knew-its, some excited to ask me what I've been going through, others asking way more "future" questions than we're ready to answer ("what are you having? will you have a gender reveal? where will you live? will you want more kids?"), and, still surprisingly, others who had nearly no reaction. Though this news is huge for us, one more baby announcement may be trite news at this stage of my friends' lives.

I caught a cold a few days ago. This has been tough to tolerate since I can't take cold medicine. I've opted instead for Tylenol and sleeping pills. Other than that, I haven't been too bothered by symptoms. I get crazy hungry at times now, so I'm just trying to feed myself healthy things despite sudden desperate desired for junk food. My belly is getting in the way of things; I'm learning how to move about the world in a brand new body. Laying down, sitting up, running, bending over--everything is so strange and new. I'm still awaiting baby's movements. I think that I've been gaining weight successfully, though in itty bitty increments.

Friends have been so supportive in innumerable ways. We've started a collection of hand-me-downs: maternity clothes, baby things, books, tea, medicine... Friends have also been super helpful in pointing us in the right direction for (hopefully) buying a house soon. We even found out that two other friends are pregnant and due in the same month!

I have been doing a lot of soul searching amidst and pursuit of betterment. I'm in limbo right now. What kind of life do I want for myself in the near future? I'm closer to something that I had wanted. I'm finally working less and facing less stress in my life. Now, I want more purpose, I want to contribute more to my family, and I want to use my talents more. What does that point to?

NYR

New Year's Resolutions and Reflections

- - -

17 Weeks and 6 Days

It's so hard to keep up with journaling when you're not paying close attention to your thoughts or what's going on around you. However, resolving to write a post made me pay more attention to the present in order to think about what I'll want to look back on in the future.

Today marks day 5(-ish) of being in San Diego, on our baby announcement tour. Sunday, we shared the news with Cat. Monday, we shared the news with Sam, the band friends and BC's parents. Tuesday, the cousins. Wednesday, BC's auntie on his dad's side and the rest of the fam on his mom's side (everyone who was at the party, anyway). Today will be Aizel and Jae. Friday, BC's high school friends. Saturday, Kris. Perhaps throughout the week, my coworkers. And finally on Saturday, our Bay Area friends (whoever comes to BC's birthday celebration).

I'm still trying to ground myself with every time that we share the news. People are asking me a lot of questions that make me feel like they are getting way ahead of where I want to be ("do you know the sex yet?", "natural or epidural?", "have you picked out a name?") as well as foreboding warnings of a stressful road ahead. These questions drive me crazy. I suppose no one has any idea how many times I've already fielded these questions by the time they ask me their question, so I try to give folks the benefit of the doubt.

My next step is trying to answer honestly rather than side-stepping questions that make me uncomfortable. I've been "told" (lectured, it felt like) that if I have a girl, that she will love her dad more. Umm... thanks... for the... warning? I listen to friends complain that having a girl is so much worse than having a boy because "girls are more expensive... you'll have to pay for her prom dress, for her to get hair nails and eyebrows done... boys are so much more laid back and easy!" Sure my mom took me with her to get her nails done, but I think she just wanted us to spend time together. I was never allowed to do my eyebrows growing up, I didn't care much (though I did get made fun of a lot for wearing my eyebrows natural, even by my supposed best friends). I am curious as to why the first question for many after our pregnancy announcement is "are you going to have a gender reveal party?" Are they wondering what the sex of the baby is? Are they curious about my stance on gender reveal parties? Are they looking for an invite? Why don't they ask about a plain old baby shower? In any case, I have side-stepped a lot of these questions, but I want to try answering more honestly from now on. No, we don't plan on telling anyone the sex of the baby before their birth. No, we will not have a sex reveal party. We haven't picked out a name yet. I don't know how I will give birth yet, how could I possibly know at the point? No, I'm not craving anything. My first trimester sucked ass, I was depressed, not eating, and lost 8 pounds. I found out I was pregnant because I took a pregnancy test, just as I had done every month at my scheduled time for the previous six months when we were trying to conceive and not conceiving. I will be very, extremely, over-the-moon whether we have a boy or a girl. We don't want to waste money on an influx of unnecessary, brand new baby things. We would love support from loved ones, but we much prefer help in the form of hand-me-downs or cash.

None of these things have been easy to say for me. BC reminded me that nobody is trying to be malicious, that they are just trying to express interest, and that some people may even just be asking questions that they're used to hearing others ask without thinking about the consequences of their questions. I'm trying to be patient while still expressing my views.

Oh, another thing. I really hate when people touch my belly (except BC). I feel so spineless for not saying anything. I supposed it hasn't quite come up enough that my disdain for it has surpassed my unwillingness to stick up for myself.

Cruising through my second semester (five weeks down, nine to go). From what I've read by other pregnant women, it's quite common to experience no symptoms in the second semester, to forget that you're pregnant, and to worry that you've lost the baby. This all does not mean that you've lost the baby. I'm trying to remind myself of this and also trying to be thankful and mindful of the fact that I don't have any negative symptoms right now.

Anyway, I think that's enough about this pregnancy.

- - -

10 years ago, I set new decade's resolutions. Did I meet them?

• Start a personal library

Yes! Goodness, my personal library is a bit out of control. My upcoming goal should probably be "read all the books in my library". Woven in there should also probably be a goal of culling my collection, but it's just so hard to let go. What books should I carry with me into my future? Who will read these books in the future if they stay on my shelf? What purpose do these books serve when they sit on my shelf?

• Work on a new wardrobe

This has happened naturally, out of necessity. Ten years ago, I was in my teaching credential program; I was 21 years old, fresh out of college, without any need to differentiate work-wear from play-wear, day from night, or weekend from weekday. Now, I have work clothes, workout clothes, weekend clothes, wedding clothes, clothes for traveling in tropical weather, clothes for hiking in cold weather, and finally, maternity clothes. I've tried to be mindful of quality and style along the way. My frugal nature has ensured that my shopping hasn't gotten away from me. So yes, mission accomplished.

• Get better at singing

Well, I don't really remember what I used to sound like, and looking back, this was a vague goal, but I will say that I am more confident in my singing now than I was before. I care less what others things, I realize that I have a unique voice (as we all do) that does not sound like any recording artist I know, and I have learned a lot about music in the past years by hanging around enough musicians. So yes, I think I've made some progress in this vague category.

• Become an avid writer

I went through periods of prolific writing and of lulls, but I'm happy with where I am. I will continue to write in the future.

• Win an award

Sooort of. I achieved an accomplishment that I am extremely proud of (getting a paper accepted to a conference in South Korea). That was fun. I should set out to do something like this again.

• Be able to understand a little bit of another language

Yes! Japanese! I had no idea that my life would head in that direction as of 2009 going into 2010, but from 2012-2014 I lived in and got accustomed to (more or less) life in the Japanese rural countryside. I also spent a couple of months (combined) studying and practicing Spanish in Peru and Spain in 2015-2016.

• Be married. Maybe. I don't know, never mind.

Yep. Married three and a half years now with one on the way. I thought that I wanted to get married after I turned 30. I ended up getting married when I was 28, going on 29, after five years of dating and four years of living together with BC. We could have waited a year or two, but in the end, it made so much more sense financially to close the deal. I was very surprised by my own eagerness to tie the knot; whereas I once craved an open-endedness to my future, I found myself yearning for steadiness and commitment while looking forward to a lifetime of adventure.

I figured that we would wait several (five?) years after getting married to start having children, but that changed as well. I thought that I wanted to fill our childless years with travel--and I did! We did! After last summer though, something inside of me just clicked. If I'm being honest, traveling was getting a bit stale. Something in my life was missing. I realized that I really wanted for us to start a family, even if it meant slowing down, pausing, or even stopping traveling altogether. Getting pregnant was not as easy as I thought it would be. I came to despise the incessant pressure by others asking why we didn't have kids yet. What a personal question to ask someone who you aren't having sex with, let alone planning to raise a child with. Each month that passed without conceiving when people were asking "where's the baby?" brought me down a little more. Is that due to a desire to please? For perfection? My discomfort with discussing sex? Or may it's not my problem at all, but everyone else's. So, consider this a PSA: stop asking people why they don't have a baby yet. They might not tell you to your face "I guess we're not having sex enough" or "We found out that we are infertile and have yet to save up thousands of dollars on our salaries for fertility treatments" or "I've already had three miscarriages and have gone through depression each time", but know that you might be breaking their heart anyway.

• Travel a lot... even if that includes not leaving the country much.

YES. In the past 10 years I travelled a lot, within and beyond the United States. I've been to nearly 50 countries (I've lost track), and over a dozen states. I've made so many friends, I've gained independence and confidence, and have a different perspective than I did ten years ago. I travelled on a budget, which allowed me to pay off my student loans, travel even more, and save up for my future. I did things that scared me, like go on excursions on my own, sky dive, paraglide, zip line, canyoneer,  summit many mountains, go backpacking, and swim with whale sharks. I've learned to live on minimal necessities in order to stay on the move. I learned about other cultures and intertwining histories, and thanks to that, am able to connect with many different people I meet from all over the globe. I am the person I am today thanks to my travels.

• Make sure that my sisters graduate from a respectable college and each have good jobs

I am so proud of who my sisters have become, though I can't say that I've had much of a hand in it. By the time I came back to the U.S. from my travels, K had finished college, and one year later, was working a stable, good job when N graduated as well. They have surpassed me professionally.

- - -

What next? Time for some new new decade resolutions.

• Have 3-4 kids
• Finish my M.A., finish the last half of my math credential, get nationally certified(?), continue to pick up other side gigs along the way (coaching? tutoring? research?), be in (finish?) a PhD program
• Be a homeowner
• Take my kids abroad
• Stay in shape by continuing to go to dance and yoga classes (and maybe spin class and maybe other forms of exercise that I've temporarily abandoned or have yet to discover)
• Start new traditions with my family: evenings, weekends, summer, birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year...
• Take my kids to the Philippines so that they will have the same relationship with their cousins and elders that I had with mine as a kid
• Keep up with hobbies that are just for fun without any end goal in mind--reading, needle work, writing, camping...

I think that'll do for now.

- - -

Reflections

What in the world happened in this past year? When I would try to reflect in 2019 with BC, my sisters, or with friends, again and again I'd be corrected: "that was in 2018!" or "that was two years ago!". Time is running away from me and out of control. What did I actually do this year?

Jan - Came back from Patagonia after having seen many parks, two countries, many, many airports, and a failed attempt at seeing penguins or Antarctica. Co-led a cooking class for students. Visiting SD to see friends and family, including going hiking and seeing a movie with Ate Kate. Celebrated BC's birthday at Original Pattern with many, many shiba inus.

Feb - Hosted a board game night at our place and attended Mills TTS reunion.

Mar - Attended a BMAS reunion jam at Angel & Ben's place in Alameda, hosted Edward, Kevin, and Ate Kate in the bay (on separate trips), and started weekly lake walks with Ash.

Apr - Philippines trip, including a trip to Cebu, with the family

May - Hosted Tin, caught up with Noey in the Bay, closed out my first year at HNHS, closed out my last semester of classes at SFSU, attended AIA grad

Jun - Summer trip to HI, bum around Orange County with my sister (lots of good eats), quick stop in SD for Julie & Adam's wedding, then back to Oakland for two short days

Jul - Euro-trip for five weeks with BC (met up with Aki), then with BC and Ate Kate, then solo, then with Nikki to the Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg, Germany, Poland, the Czech Republic, Hungary, and Croatia. Celebrated my birthday by treating myself to a multi-course dinner.

Aug - Started my new role as a part-timer, finally getting to repeat a prep, start consulting gig, celebrate Row's birthday as the Presidio, mourn with a friend over the loss of her loved one, hang out with Aki,

Sept - Camp at Angel Island, Lights Out Festival, try out a boxing class, trip to Salt Lake City for hiking, beautiful landscapes, food, and beer. Beginning meeting with research group, meet with Heather and eventually Alan to learn more about a PhD in education at Berkeley

Oct - Found out I'm pregnant, Cory's 1st birthday, met with Evie, trip to L.A. to support Edward for his half marathon in Long Beach, got diagnosed with perinatal depression, celebrated 8-year dating anniversary, dinner at Chez Pannise, shared the news with N

Nov - Celebrated N's birthday in the Bay with all the sibs (and shared the news with them), Thanksgiving in SD (shared the news with Ate Kate, Paul, and Edward, but otherwise fought to keep my mouth shut when hanging out with the in-laws, the extended family, and high school friends)

Dec - Tried out ClassPass: 3 different yoga studios, a spin class, dance class thrice a week for two weeks, first Centering Pregnancy class, got diagnosed with (benign(?)) hypothyroidism, gave final exams for the semester, HI trip (hung out with the sibs and their SOs, including Paul's surprise visit, and shared the new with mom and dad and extended family over video chat), SD trip (shared the news with SD friends, in-laws, and extended family), hung out with high school friends once again.

- - -

That's all for now. Thanks for the memories, 2019. I'm ready for you, new decade.