- Black and white thinking (seeing everything as one way or the other, without any in beween). I'm not either good at what I do, or bad at what I do; rather, I have strengths and I have areas of growth. She's not either mean/close-minded/judgemental or not those things. She has moments where I perceive her to be that way.
- Personalizing (assuming I am to blame for anything that goes wrong). If a students doesn't learn 'everything that they were supposed to learn with me', it may be because they started behind in my class, they have other priorities outside of my class, they forgot things that they learned with me, or they do know their stuff, but later are being unfairly judged as not knowing their stuff.
- Filter thinking (choosing to see only the negative side of a situation). Let me remember students who I've assessed as knowing their stuff (A, G, S, V, R) and students who seem to trust my skills as a teacher (G, S, V, R, V, M, V, J, Y, A). I can't please 'em all and I can't be the perfect teacher that every single student needs, but I am doing a decent job for many of my students. I need to remember those students and not just focus on the students whom I feel that I am failing.
- Catastrophizing (assuming the worst possible outcome is going to happen). Without thinking too deeply about what I am fearing, I know that there is an underlying fear beneath the stress. Let me parse out what some of these irrational fears are: getting fired, being seen as doing an insufficient job and thus not only getting fired, but also not able to acquire a recommendation, getting antagonized by a parent or admin, being forced to defend myself and being unable to do so... Now, let me try to reason through these fears. For all of the fears: if it happens, it happens, and I get through it. For the most part, if any of the fears actualize, it would still be based on others have insufficient information and having unrealistic standards--that's they're problem, and one that wouldn't have been able to be realistically resolved anyway, even if I could feasibly be the perfect teacher that they were looking for.
2. Challenge negative thoughts.
- Stop and evaluate what is accurate. (check)
- Think about how you would respond if a friend spoke about herself that way. I would know that my friend is a smart and capable person who will ultimately be OK in the long run. I would know that there are a lot of things out of her control, including negative impact. For example, I would tell her that she had her odds stacked against her in trying to be some perfect teacher: students aren't coming to her as perfect students, she herself is a new teacher, she's measuring herself up to try to be an "A" teacher rather than even at "B" teacher, when in reality, every day that she makes progress and doesn't call it quits, she's an "A" teacher... oh, and of course, now we have these school closures! She can't teach everything that would be expected to be taught otherwise nor will students be able to learn and retain everything that they "should" learn and retain in the course (this is the case under normal circumstance, but even more so right now!).
- Think about other possible outcomes. I become a seasoned precalculus teacher who is familiar with not only the prerequisite knowledge of my course, but also the prerequisite knowledge of the courses that follow. I establish myself so much so that students who excel in my course recognize my added value and students who struggle know that I am doing all that I can and that they need to turn inwardly and look at others for blame (not me!). I establish myself so much so that other teachers trust my knowledge, expertise, and experience. I establish myself so much so that I trust my knowledge, expertise, and experience.
3. Take a break from negative thoughts.
- Allow yourself to have the thoughts (for maybe five minutes), then take a break from those those thoughts and move on with your day. I want to stop dwelling on these thoughts and take care of what I need to take care of: lesson planning and thesis writing.
4. Release judgement.
- We all judge ourselves and others, usually unconsciously [sic]. Yes, these negative thoughts are a manifestation of me judging myself and holding resentment toward her.
- Constantly comparing ourselves to other people or comparing our lives to some ideal breeds dissatisfaction. Yes, I am comparing my whole self as a teacher to specific strengths of other teachers whom I admire. I have strengths and areas of growth that are my own, as to other teachers. I can't only be an amalgamation of all the best qualities that I see in different people--not only is this not realistic, but all of these qualities would probably come to head with each other: I can't be strict and laid back, calm and enthusiastic, hyper organized and creative AND have life balance... I can only be some of those things some of the time. What I can do is observe when I am being some of those things (and when I am not), recognize it, and acknowledge myself (or forgive myself) and let it go. If I do catch myself in a negative space, I will counteract that thought by finding something to praise myself for.
5. Practice gratitude.
- Right now, I am so grateful for "room to think", à la shelter-in-place. I am grateful to have BC practically at my elbow at all times when I need emotional support or reassurance. I am grateful to be on Spring Break. I am grateful to have work sessions with like-minded individuals. I am grateful to have a comparatively non-stressful job. I am thankful for my (and my baby's) health. I am grateful to have a job and to be in school. I am grateful to be in abundance with food and wealth.
- I am smart, I am capable, I am hard working, I have experience, I am willing to improve, I do improve, I am creative, I am thoughtful and organized, I am empathetic, I am adaptable, I am compassionate.
7. Seek out professional support.
- I usually do have professional support on a weekly basis as well as individual professional support on a monthly (if not bi-weekly) basis. I am nearing my limit as far as what I've been able to shoulder without that support (weekly sessions cancelled and nearing the one-month mark for individual support). 'Til then, I'll use the coping mechanisms that I learned to keep myself afloat: take a daily shower, stay well-fed and hydrated, keep physically active, keep socially engaged, and journal.
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