I cracked last night.
I just cried and cried. It was everything and nothing. It's work, school, the pandemic, pregnancy, fear of an uncertain future. Sometimes my brain takes care of itself by blocking stressors when they aren't relevant, allowing me to focus on the present task. Sometimes that damn breaks, and every worry I've ever had come rushing through, one barely distinguishable from the next.
What helped last night was letting some of those thoughts run its course. An image I held onto was my thoughts as clouds and my mind as the clear blue sky just beyond the clouds. The clouds were there, but I let those clouds blur in the background while I concentrated on the hue of the sky. Eventually, I stopped noticing the clouds. Eventually, the clouds drifted away.
I noticed that my body was tense and in pain. I figured this was due to the pregnancy, lack of sleep, and not having time to exercise today. I asked BC to massage my back. The pressure of his hands on my back gave me a new focus. I tried to make my attention laser sharp on the sensation of the knots in my back being pressed away.
We all have ups and downs. What's helpful is having a way to get out of those 'downs'. Sometimes we feel too exhausted to help ourselves. I'm grateful to have BC be there with me when I start to fall apart. Knowing that he's rock steady and by my side is what helps me from falling into an infinite pit. Then, moments when I falter feels more like when we're on one of our walks and we sit to take a break, rather than feeling like a car crash. I just let the panicked feeling run its course until it subsides. Afterwards, we move on.
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