I came across this graphic on the interwebs and I found it to be quite powerful. Having an awareness of the mindset that you're in is crucial every day, not just during this global pandemic.
I also realize that the mindset that we're in can change daily, even at different times of the day. Right now, I'm in the Learning Zone. I'm identifying my emotions, I'm giving up what I can't control, and I'm recognizing that I am doing my best (as are others).
I'm out of sorts today. I think this has to do with insomnia (which is, in turn, is due to...?). I've been having all kinds of nightmares lately. These nightmares have not been a mystery--my fears have been playing themselves out in my dreams. I feel like every night, someone new dies in my sleep.
My body feels tense. There's an incessant drone that's driving me up the wall. I've learned a lot about low frequency noise (LFN) and how there's nothing you can do to stop it except for write to your local elected official to do something(??) about the source of the noise (e.g., mandate only certain types of industry and construction in certain neighborhoods) or to straight up move house. LFN cuts through nearly all types of building materials, certainly including whatever materials our centurion residence is comprised.
I know that I'm doing what I can. I'm taking breaks, I did yoga, I went for a walk (while steering clear of annoying people who just haaaaad to walk right up and behind me, making sure not to touch anything, using a face mask, and washing up after getting home), I ate healthy stuff, I ate guilty pleasure stuff, I'm drinking water, I spent a teensy bit of time doing things that usually bring me pleasure like write, draw, and read... I'm listening to music that usually calms me, I'm taking deep breaths, and I talked a bit to my doctor today. So yeah. There's not much else I can do besides all of that, except to let this mood pass.
My doctor brought up medication again. She said that she supports me in my decision to "stay the course" and using CBT and workshops to learn coping mechanisms for depression and anxiety, but that she also wants to make sure that I'm aware that taking medication for mental health also be safe for me and for the baby. She said that she also wanted to bring it up because medication can take time to adjust and to get working, and that in that time, I would be having the baby and going through an extra stressful time with lost sleep, etc. Basically, if I were to consider taking medicine, I might as well start taking it now before things get really bad and while I have some time to get it up and running. She also assured me that taking medication wouldn't have to be some kind of life sentence, that I could take medication for six months, a year, or however long or short I wanted (with doctor supervision). I guess I'm hesitant because I know that there are times that I pull out of these moods without medication and because the coping mechanisms that I've learned usually also help pull me out of these moods. I just want all of that to keep working. I don't like being in this position of trying to decide whether or not I'm in "bad enough" of a state to resort to medicine. My doctor said that she believes in the importance treating mental health with medication just as much as she believes that someone with diabetes needs to take insulin. And yeah, I get that... I would be an idiot if I were diagnosed with diabetes but refused to take insulin. Is this the same thing? Do I feel ashamed about feeling anxious and depressed at times, to the point of possibly needing medicine? Am I being unnecessarily stubborn? I don't know why, but my first thought about starting medication goes to my parents. Without ever asking them about there take on this, I imagine them advising me to change something about my lifestyle if I'm feeling anxious or depressed, or praying, or just... I don't know, fixing something about my actions or mindset rather than reaching for a bottle of pills. That doesn't make them right, but I guess it would leave me wondering if there just is still something that I'm not doing or overdoing or thinking or overthinking that's getting me into these moods.
I can't always help how I feel, but I can try to take action. Sometimes, taking action helps influence how I feel. So right now, that's what I'll do. I'll think about the medication thing more. And I guess, til then, I should also try to do a better job of tracking my moods.
"Seek fulfillment, not productivity." OK, that's what I'll do.
No comments:
Post a Comment