I don’t always believe in God, but I’m starting to believe in dead friends watching over you. We wanted to get married on Saturday, June 25^th, 2016 but our friend and photographer, Mark Andrew, had another wedding booked on that day. With the big day being a year and a season away, we were able to move the date. We wouldn’t budge on location, though. Iceland was our paradise. Brian, Mark Andrew, and our two friends, Edward and Kevin braved weather winter storms, made friends with locals, scared each other silly at a witchcraft museum, had a run in with the cops, stripped down to our skivvies on a glacier, and experienced a marriage proposal under the neon green northern lights. Well, I experienced a marriage proposal. Brian proposed. Mark Andrew, Edward, and Kevin bore witness.

Six weeks after our little crew braved a snowstorm on a mountainside of a foreign country halfway around the world, the story goes that Mark Andrew was skateboarding on his street in sunny San Diego, a hobby that he’s done for years, looking for his dog. There’s a gap in the story at this point. The next piece of the story goes that a neighbor saw Mark Andrew on the ground and called the ambulance. He had a head injury of some sort…? I remember hearing that he had 1% brain activity. “Oh good,” I thought, “so there’s still a chance.” I didn’t know that 1% brain activity meant that there is no chance.

Sometimes I still wonder if I have something in me that just causes me to get irrationally depressed. For example, today, I literally burst into sobs while standing over the stove, failing at popping popcorn.

I'm not PMSing. I'm not pregnant. I didn't have a bad day at work. Something just came over me.

Granted, I'm getting better at trying to take care of all the little things "around" what can get me to a bad space. I make sure I'm not hungry, dehydrated, tired, cold, hot... or rather, if I am one of those things, I chalk up my bad mood to one of those things and try to address it as best I can. If I can't address it, I cut myself some slack and kind of zone out until that need can be met. I try to go with the flow, knowing that I'm not at the top of my game.

I know about myself that I need time to be by myself and just... think. Kind of like what I'm doing now. In fact, I need time to settle down from the day and get to this place. Today, that meant going home, having a snack, making myself some tea, tidying up around the house, and then finally settling into my room and opening my laptop.

I'm so happy and grateful that I have the time to do this. I'm so happy and grateful that I gave myself the time today to do this. I'm so happy and grateful that I know how to take care of myself and that I do.

I heard in a podcast the other day something to the effect of: too often, we go through are day just not trying to knock into too many walls. We don't realize that we put those walls up ourself. In fact, we don't realize, that there are no walls. What would we do if instead of trying not to knock into walls, we pushed beyond what we thought was possible?

Counting blessings:

I'm grateful for Brian and Nikki and Tin and my parents and their SOs and my extended family because we support each other through thick and thin and we move as one unit. We all are kind and loving and have similar interests and make the effort to spend time with one another.

I'm grateful for our apartment because Bay Area housing is expensive and we lucked out on a nice place that is affordable and in an area where we want to live.

I'm grateful to be gainfully employed because with that employment, I'm able to afford to eat, live, and treat myself to small pleasures.

I'm grateful to have fulfilling job which allows me to serve people. I'm grateful that I'm able to use my skills and talents and brain and creativity in my job. I'm grateful that my unique abilities are needed and appreciated.

~The Life I Love Living~