A month ago, I resolved to be better. Or rather, to do better. Since then, I've attended weekly yoga classes, dance class, and even a couple of spin classes. I've reached out to multiple friends and I've even shared with them what I've been going through, mentally/emotionally. I've kept up with work, even if with some procrastination. I've kept up with chores. I've worked at pulling people closer, even when I don't know what to say, rather than isolating myself.
Despite it all, my mood has come around and has been taking a dive again. I'm trying to ignore it, to not engage with it, to move past it. I reached out to doctors and just got a ton of lab work done. We'll see what the results are soon.
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We've finally told nearly all friends and family. A few out-of-town friends have still yet to hear from us, but I need a break. Folks' range of reactions have been really surprising to me. Some people were surprised, others full of I-knew-its, some excited to ask me what I've been going through, others asking way more "future" questions than we're ready to answer ("what are you having? will you have a gender reveal? where will you live? will you want more kids?"), and, still surprisingly, others who had nearly no reaction. Though this news is huge for us, one more baby announcement may be trite news at this stage of my friends' lives.
I caught a cold a few days ago. This has been tough to tolerate since I can't take cold medicine. I've opted instead for Tylenol and sleeping pills. Other than that, I haven't been too bothered by symptoms. I get crazy hungry at times now, so I'm just trying to feed myself healthy things despite sudden desperate desired for junk food. My belly is getting in the way of things; I'm learning how to move about the world in a brand new body. Laying down, sitting up, running, bending over--everything is so strange and new. I'm still awaiting baby's movements. I think that I've been gaining weight successfully, though in itty bitty increments.
Friends have been so supportive in innumerable ways. We've started a collection of hand-me-downs: maternity clothes, baby things, books, tea, medicine... Friends have also been super helpful in pointing us in the right direction for (hopefully) buying a house soon. We even found out that two other friends are pregnant and due in the same month!
I have been doing a lot of soul searching amidst and pursuit of betterment. I'm in limbo right now. What kind of life do I want for myself in the near future? I'm closer to something that I had wanted. I'm finally working less and facing less stress in my life. Now, I want more purpose, I want to contribute more to my family, and I want to use my talents more. What does that point to?
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