17 Weeks

What a whirlwind.

BC and I have spent a lot of time over the break going through old family photos. Seeing pre-pregnancy photos of my mom has been really eye-opening. When my mom would tell me stories about her life before children, I just copied and pasted my current image of my mom onto a new background: in the Philippines, in a computer chip manufacturing company, hanging out with other copy-and-pasted aunties. When I see her old photos though, I realize my mom was a whole different person than the woman I know. She was thin, stylish, social, a musician, a dancer, a daughter, a student--a young woman!

After looking at photos of my mom, I moved on to photos of my grandma. My dad and I agreed that Lola always looked the same for as long as we could remember--whether she was 30, 60, or 80 years old. We came across her wedding day photos and our jaws dropped. Wouldn't you now it, Lola was once a young woman, too!

Though I am in awe of the women who came before me, I started to feel kind of sad for myself. I feel like soon, I too will have "once been a young woman".

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Something has shifted and I feel like I'm starting to bond with my baby. Each time I wake up in the middle of the night, I touch my belly to check that their OK (not sure what I'm checking for, exactly). I greet my baby when I wake up in the morning. I tell my baby "this is your first time in Hawaii!" and "this is your first time at the beach!". I tell BC to kiss baby good night.  I'm starting to focus less on all the horrible symptoms, and even focus less on planning for the new future, and just focus on what it feels like to hold my baby inside of me.

My brain feels different. Sometime I feel like my brain is turned off, like I'm not thinking of anything at all. Sometime I feel like my brain is feeding me sad thoughts that don't make any rational sense. Sometimes, my brain feels like it's in a meditative state, which is nice. I'll notice the breeze, the sun, the comfiness of the couch, the taste of ice cream, and think of nothing but those senses. If my mind wanders to work, my brain easily says "nah, don't worry about it" and I continue with my meditative thoughts.

I'm trying to stay active even though I feel like a sack of potatoes. I don't feel energetic even if I feel truly horrified by what by body looks like right now. I can't even be bothered to exercise for the sake of endorphins. I just want to rest.

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We've shared the news with my parents, some extended family, and friends. All of a sudden, everyone else is excited to talk about the news, but I'm over talking about it. Anyway, I've become pretty sensitive to what people are saying. "I knew it! I could tell by looking at you." Cool, thanks. Questions about daycare, apartment living versus buying a house, health, work, gender, and what we plan to buy for our child, have all become touchy subjects for me.

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