Tracking

9/30 - First day of missed period
10/1 - Second day of missed period
10/2 - Third day of missed period
10/3 - Feeling depressed. Feeling empty. Crying. Wondering if I'm pregnant. Thinking I probably am. Not wanting to check quite yet. After all, if a pregnancy test would tell the truth next week, so why take it now? Sitting in an empty apartment. Not knowing what to do with myself. Feeling deep, deep emptiness. Needing to get up and do something, not wanting to do anything. Letting the minutes pass. Letting the hours pass. Time to pack. Time to go. Fine, I'll take the test.

Positive.

Sob.

Cry.

Sob.

Pull myself together.

Scramble to find a blank card and empty gift bag. Sneak out the house.

Meet Brian. Tell him I have a gift for him. Record. React, somewhat. Drive to the airport. Leave.

At the airport. Thoughts of 'don't get my hopes up' quickly fade away. I start calculating, planning, writing down dates. I'm probably five weeks along. Due date might be June 5th. First trimester might be around Thanksgiving. Third trimester might be around Spring Break. When to reveal to family? How? And friends? What will we do about work and child care next year?

10/4 - Tired. Four hours of sleep. Breakfast with Kuya Z. I have a secret. Work day at home. Try to stay focused. Mostly just feel depressed. Work out. Feel better. But still feel depressed. Go out for dinner with Alby. Now, distracted. Better.

10/5 - Tired. Tossing and turning all night. Breakfast with Kuya Z, Alby, Tin, and Paul.  I have a big, big secret. Try to stay distracted. Deflect the conversation away from me. Ask lots of questions. Listen intently. Joke. Say good bye. Secret kept. Fast forward. Cory's first birthday. Childhood friends. I have a big, big, big, secret. Conversation centers around who is having kids and when. "April, do you want kids? When?" Shrug. "We'll see." Fast forward. Reunited with BC. We have a secret.

10/6 - Tired, but awake again. I've seen 3 A.M. three nights in a row. Food festival with Edo and Nikki. Stay distracted. Don't spill the beans. Depression starting to fade. Optimism settling in. Alertness kicking in. I'm exhausted, but feel like I've had six cups of coffee.

10/7 - Work. Try to discreetly call the doctor. First time spilling the beans. First time hearing "congratulations!". Exhausted. Starting to feel excited and happy and optimistic. So tired. Fell asleep while watching a show.

10/8 - Work. Cramps. Fatigue. Moodiness. Fortitude. Talk to Gia on the phone. Lots to catch up on; lots to keep me distracted. Lots to divert and steer the conversation with. So tired. Work from 7:30 A.M., to sitting in traffic, to sitting in class at SFSU, to sitting in traffic, to getting home at 8:30 P.M. Rosiness fading. Fell asleep sitting up with my phone in my hand.

10/9 - Depression coming back. Lots to do. Work at AIA, work at home, drive to SFSU, meet with Evie, meet with Judy, check in with Ash, sit in traffic... collapse on the couch. Force myself to get off the couch to make myself a snack. Tired. Empty. Unmotivated.