The Ins and Outs

On bad days, I feel like a has-been superhero whose wings were clipped. Grounded.

On good days, I feel like a bird temporarily blown off course but on its way to an exciting, tropical paradise.

Most days, nowadays, I feel like a Joe Schmo'. Joe Nobody. These are also bad days.

I realize now that I have higher expectations for myself than I do anyone else... and that I expect more out of myself than does anyone else. This internal hunger for more out of myself got me where I wanted to be in life -- teaching in Oakland. This internal hunger also somehow got me out of that very situation. What just happened?

In all honesty -- all shields down, modesty aside, if I may be so forward, permission to speak freely, yadda yadda -- I always expect myself to be at the top of my game at all times. Period. Anything less is unacceptable. Through high school and college and finally, grad school, I upped my speed, gained momentum. I reached full speed as I wrote out life plans, rubbed elbows with the right people, studied, studied, studied, worked, worked, worked... and then slammed to a halt into a concrete wall. The abrupt and painful halt is what quitting what I thought was my dream job feels like.

Though I know what I did was right (for me), I still don't know what went wrong. Not that it matters at this point...

I'm not sure what "rebuilding" will look like in the near future because I do not have a clear vision in mind for myself. I do, however, have an unclear vision for myself. It's a work in progress -- kind of like how I'm a work in progress. It goes like this:

  • Be happy
  • Be healthy
  • Have confidence in -- and use my -- knowledge/abilities/expertise
  • Be financially secure
  • See the world
  • Do all of these above in a timely manner

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